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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22438321">Thoughts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scullypantsuits/pseuds/Scullypantsuits'>Scullypantsuits</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bates Motel (2013)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Light Angst, Missing Scene, Normero, s04x04 lights of winter, season 4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 10:54:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>43,775</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22438321</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scullypantsuits/pseuds/Scullypantsuits</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>the story starts during "Lights of Winter" and it's a window on Norma's thoughts during the fourth season. How she started by  pushing Alex away and how she ended by completely falling in love with him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Norma Bates/Alex Romero</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>113</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. In the car</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone! That's the first time that I write something related to Bates Motel, but watching this episode I felt that Norma goes through a lot with herself and wanted to try and describe her fight with herself and her fears.<br/>I hope you'll enjoy =)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma just wanted to hold him and tell him what the previous night had meant for her, but she couldn’t. she wasn’t even sure of what it really had meant. </p>
<p>Sure thing, she was scared to death of what she thought it had meant to her. So, instead of holding him and tell him how she felt, she started pulling up her defensive wall between her and Alex, gently pulling away her hand from his grip and herself from his vicinity.</p>
<p>She wished him a good day at work, quickly changed and headed to her car, past the door, past the never-ending ramp of stairs that connected her house to the motel and far away from the pure and loving look that Alex was giving her. As if she was the sun, and he couldn’t bring himself to look away.</p>
<p>Only inside the car, a concrete protection from the outside, she released a sigh of relief.</p>
<p> It was all too incredibly much, all too overwhelming. She could feel the strength of her wall, rebelling against her, trying to suffocate her, its sides pressing on her fragile body with all their strength, trying to compress her.</p>
<p>She shook her head and took a deep breath. Her mind travelling to the night before. How strong, but also delicate were Alex hands on her, and how safe and protected made them feel her. She abandoned herself to the sensation.</p>
<p>It felt like gravitating, like floating free. </p>
<p>She watched outside the car window. The colors of the day starting were shining on her motel. The same motel that she, with so much difficulty, managed to open and turn into a family business. The motel that symbolized all her effort to put colors in her life. To pick up all the bad things that life had thrown at her and smile. To never give up, no matter what. </p>
<p>She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She was a very strong woman, but still, having Alex in her house and in her life confused her.</p>
<p>She shut her thoughts and opened her eyes. Yes, he was kind, but he was still a man. And men weren’t people she felt free to trust. Men had never been kind to her, had never really protected her. </p>
<p>A single tear escaped the deep blue sea of her eyes. After all she’s been through, she still wanted to believe. Believe in kind souls, believe that there’s some good in this word, believe that maybe, just maybe, this time could be different. That maybe this time she could be happy.</p>
<p>Happy, with someone.</p>
<p>Someone she could face the word with, someone she could carry her burdens with. Someone she could love. </p>
<p>Ah, love.</p>
<p>How meaningless had that word become to her. A word that brought just pain in her life and still here she was, trying to give it a meaning one more time. While she played with the ring on her left hand, she could feel her wall slowly coming down. Brick after brick. </p>
<p>But it was still all too much. Too much and too fast. She needed her time. </p>
<p>She shook her head, smiled softly at herself and put the car keys in the ignition. She turned them, gave gas and headed to Portland.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. At the house</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Norma's thoughts after her visit to Emma.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma was staring at the fridge. She didn’t even bother turning on the lights when she entered her house, after paying a visit to Emma. The pale blue light of the fridge was the only source of illumination. </p><p>Norma kept staring, looking for something to cook. She realized, suddenly, that she wasn’t hungry. Something was off, something was bothering her, but she couldn’t give it a name. The silence of the house echoed in her ears. </p><p>She realized she didn’t want to be there. She didn’t want to spend another lonely night, trying desperately to avoid her feelings, to hide them behind the high wall around her heart, to pretend she didn’t have the butterflies in her stomach and didn’t feel slightly lightheaded when she thought of the man she was sharing her house with. </p><p>She wanted to be at the festival. With Alex. </p><p>The sudden realization made her heart skip. Her mind travelled once again to him, to his hands, to his grip on her hips, to his lips on hers. </p><p>Stop. She stopped her thoughts abruptly. </p><p>She sighed. At this point it was useless to pretend that Alex didn’t have any effect on her. It was also useless to pretend that he only had a physical effect on her. She liked him. She really, really liked him and she was tired to fight this. Norma was ready to accept her feelings for him and to moderate her own behavior. </p><p>She scrunched her nose, making a smirk and closed the fridge with one rapid move. </p><p>The reflection of her image on the shiny surface of the fridge made her suddenly feel self-conscious. She had been in a hospital the whole day and her outfit wasn’t exactly what one would call “sexy” or “for a date”. </p><p>She quickly went upstairs in her room and started taking out all her favorite dresses. She decided for the blue dress and started to unbutton her blouse. But just before taking the blouse out she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked at the dress and then back at herself. She didn’t know why, but a sudden doubt crept in her mind. Norma started to take every dress she had took out of her closet and looked at the reflection of her holding them before herself. Every dress failed to make her feel beautiful. She sighed heavy, not knowing where this sudden self-doubt came. </p><p>Just when she opted for a nice light blue dress, the picture of Norman that was on her vanity table entered her field of view. </p><p>Norma’s thoughts wandered to her son, her sweet little boy. The same boy that was now shut away in a mental facility. </p><p>It had been so hard for her. </p><p>She glanced at her reflection. It was so unfair that Norman was at Pineview and she was there, choosing the outfit for her evening with Alex. With butterflies in her stomach, nonetheless. </p><p>Norma’s thoughts went from Pineview to her afternoon with Emma. The young girl’s words still echoing in her head.</p><p>Norma needed time for herself and it surely wasn’t a crime. This didn’t make her a bad mother. She was just human.</p><p>Norma resolutely took Norman’s picture and placed it in the drawer of the vanity table. </p><p>A beautiful, kind and sweet man was waiting for her, and she was going to have a nice evening with him. Tonight, just for tonight, she allowed herself to do something she never had thought she could do. She allowed herself to be selfish and not to think about her son. </p><p>Norma chose the dress, changed and, with butterflies in her stomach, headed to the Winter festival. </p><p>It was all going to be good.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. At the Winter festival</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This scene is everything! the way they look at each other is just sooo sweet!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma was walking through the crowd of people enjoying their evening at the festival. The lights were beautiful and, thanks to the tiny lights placed on the umbrella that everyone seemed to have, she felt like she was walking through a sky full of stars. The place was enchanting, like a magic forest. Watching all the smiley people walking by her made her heart ache. </p><p>She looked around her. Families were spending their evening together and lovers were sweetly kissing under the pale white light that was surrounding everyone. </p><p>An inevitable smile reached her lips. She surely made the right decision going there tonight. Her mood was so much better, and she couldn’t wait to share all the sudden happiness with Alex. She just had to find him. </p><p>She looked around her and went past the clown who was juggling with three bright balls. </p><p>It took her just a few steps forward to finally spot her husband. Alex was talking to some people and was wearing a black suit that made him look even more stunning under the white lights. </p><p>He turned his head and spotted Norma between the crowd. Alex’s smile was so big she felt the ground under her feet dissolve. </p><p>Norma smiled at him, a warm big smile. She stared at him. Her eyes silently telling him all he needed to hear. She was finally ready. Ready to let him love her, to let him enter her wall through the tiny crack that Alex himself helped to made. It was small, but it was there. A tiny little crack that to Norma meant hope.</p><p>Alex was making his way to her, while she was stuck in her position, not trusting her legs to move without trembling. </p><p>He was so happy, his eyes were sparkling, and his steps were fast, wanting to be with her as soon as he possibly could. </p><p>Norma was ready and she wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to tell him that she was at the festival for him, that she liked him, and she was letting herself hope for a life together. </p><p>She wanted to tell him everything.</p><p>Alex was coming to her and their looks didn’t divert. Not even once. Her eyes were expressing her feelings more than her mouth had till now.</p><p>Alex finally stood in front of her.</p><p>She wanted to tell him everything, but she was frozen in place.</p><p>“You look beautiful”, he said.</p><p>Oh man! You look amazing. She thought, but her mouth wouldn’t move.</p><p>She was frozen. She wanted to scream and shout and tell him how much she liked him. </p><p>But her mouth wouldn’t move. It was like her entire body was rebelling against her. </p><p>Right now, she couldn’t even trust herself. </p><p>Maybe her wall was too high, maybe she was really doomed after all. </p><p>The only thing that she could do was smile to him and let him know through the intense stare she was giving him how happy he made her feel. </p><p>She was rotating her shining umbrella to ease the tension and the fear that suddenly possessed her body.</p><p>“I thought you weren’t gonna come” he insisted.   </p><p>God Norma you’re not a teenager. For fuck’s sake just say something! She told herself.</p><p>I came to stay with you. I came because I really want to give this relationship a try. I came because you make me feel happy and safe. I came because when I’m with you I feel the crowd disappear, I feel all the sadness magically dissolve and I feel my heart growing up with love. I came because you stayed when everybody else went away. I came because I really, really like you.</p><p>That was the answer she wanted to give, but her body was betraying her.</p><p>“I heard there was funnel cake” was all she could say. And for him, it was enough. </p><p>He smiled at her, knowing already all she wanted to say but couldn’t. Alex was very aware, but he was also aware that she needed time, time to realize that she could trust him. It wasn’t easy for her and he was more than welcome to give her all the time she needed. </p><p>He wasn’t going anywhere.</p><p>“Come on, Mrs. Sheriff. I’ll set you up.” He said, barely raising his eyebrow.</p><p>She chuckled. A tiny, gentle chuckle that made his heart melt. </p><p>Alex gently took her hand, their finger slowly intertwining, and guided Norma to the funnel cake stand.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. At the festival pt.2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’ll be right back”.</p><p>“Okay, big shot”, replied Norma.</p><p>She watched him leave, while a warm big smile blossomed on her mouth. Alex looked at her, fascinated by the enigmatic, beautiful woman he had married.</p><p>Norma chuckled lightly while thinking at the amazing evening she was having. Leaving the<br/>
house proved to be the best decision she had made that day. She was having fun.</p><p>FUN. </p><p>That was such an odd concept to her. Talking with Alex was becoming easier, almost natural. Their looks were becoming more and more intimate, the space between their bodies were coming closer to one another, their mouths more and more close by. </p><p>She watched as Alex approached the photographer. He was handsome. Norma’s eyes travelled from his muscled shoulders to his sculped ass. The sudden urge to smack it rushed through her.</p><p>Maybe if the night would continue as smooth as it was going now, once they would be home, she might take him into her room, undress him, let him undress her and during a passionate, rough love making, she might—</p><p>Norma shook her head. She took a sip of her drink and tried to not let her hopes grow too much. Disappointment walks hand in hand with hope.</p><p>“Norma Bates?”, suddenly a voice disrupted Norma’s thoughts. </p><p>“Yeah?”, Norma turned to the beautiful redhead who had come near her. </p><p>“Rebecca Hamilton”, the redhead said, scrutinizing Norma.</p><p>Norma had absolutely no idea who the girl was, her surprise and confusion reflected on her face.</p><p>“Uhm, I,” continued Rebecca, “I work for the bank”. </p><p>Still, Norma had absolutely no idea who she was. Did she meet at the bank and forget about her? </p><p>Wait, what did Alex say this morning about a checking account?</p><p>“How do you know me?”, Norma’s look was examining Rebecca now. </p><p>“Well, I don’t. I know Alex.”</p><p>Norma’s breath stopped. Her heart stopped for a millisecond just to restart at a high-speed right after. She knew Alex. This girl knew Alex. </p><p>
  <em>“I have got people I see.”</em>
</p><p>Just now Norma fully understood that simple five-word clause. </p><p>“Well, technically, I’m his banker.” </p><p>Technically. It’s such a simple word, but the implications hiding behind it were much bigger.</p><p>“Well, I guess that makes you my banker too now.” Norma’s tone was harsh. She was underlining a concept here: Alex was her husband.</p><p>HER husband.</p><p>“Well, I—anyway, I hope that you two are very happy together”, said Rebecca.</p><p>Oh. </p><p>Maybe Norma misunderstood the whole situation. The redhead looked very sincere. Maybe she really was only Alex’s banker. </p><p>“Thank you very much”, Norma said. This time with a sweeter tone.</p><p>“Hi Rebecca.” Alex voice made both the women turn. </p><p>Norma perceived the tension right away. She paid attention to their looks and body language during their short exchange of words. He was pissed at her, while she just wanted to piss him. It was pretty clear from their glances and Alex’s frustration and slight embarrassment that the two of them had been a thing.</p><p>Norma felt her walls climb up faster than ever. She opened to Alex to fast. She let her guard down too easily and now she felt a stupid. A stupid to have hoped for a better future, for a second, no third, fourth, fifth chance. Life was hard, horrible and she allowed a ray of sunshine to penetrate her wall. She should know better at this point. She was brought in the world in a house full of hate, life had never been good to her. </p><p>Not. Even. Once. </p><p>Suddenly, she felt betrayed. By Alex, by Norman, by life. She felt stupid to have believed that something good was finally happening to her. Good things don’t happen to good people. And, particularly, good things don’t happen to her. She was doomed, and the sad part was that Norma, very deep in her heart, had always known that. She didn’t deserve happiness after all. She let his first born be the product of an incest, she let her boys live in an abusive house, she let his son’s mental illness grow because she was too occupied to hide it. She killed a man and forced her son to help her hide the body and clean the crime scene. </p><p>She was a terrible mother, a terrible human being, from whose people are taken away. She didn’t deserve love. She never had. She just refused to admit it. She wasn’t educated, nor polished. The truth was that she came from a shitty place and was surrounded by shitty people. She was a no one and everyone knew it. Everyone could smell the stink of the nothing that circled her, that followed her like a shadow, that had slowly become the main trait of her persona.</p><p>And now, while Alex and Rebecca were talking, she could sense the feeling of being invisible, useless, a no one resurfacing more abruptly than ever. A feeling she had pushed down her whole life. A feeling that failed to stop making his appearance. </p><p>A feeling she had never had with Alex till that exact moment. </p><p>He had always made her feel important. The most important person in the world, his world. And know she discovered that, probably, right before he married her, Alex was hooking up with someone else. His thoughts were filled with someone else. His needs been taken care by someone else. </p><p>This stupid, insignificant, little thing succeeded to make her feel lonely. Just because Norma thought often of Alex before the marriage, considered him a friend, a point of reference, a rock, a savior, didn’t mean that he felt the same about her.</p><p>She let her walls come up until her heart was nowhere to be seen. Her stoic façade was up again. </p><p>The loneliness was back again too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. On the dance floor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm almost done with this story, unfortunately.<br/>I'll post the last chapters in the next days. Thank you for all the comments and encouragment :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma felt foolish for making a big deal out of it, but the fact that Alex had someone else before her was really bothering Norma and making her feel insecure and self-conscious. Maybe she was exaggerating, after all she hooked up with other men before Alex and, sure they had always meant nothing to her, but still, she did sleep with them. </p><p>She thought again about the encounter between Alex and Rebecca; the way he talked to her, like he felt embarrassed by Norma’s presence, like he didn’t want to admit to her that he and Rebecca had been together. </p><p>“Hey Norma, this is Rebecca. We used to date.”</p><p>Had Alex said that, she would have felt jealous, maybe, surely not…this. She couldn’t give a name to it, but she felt bad. It felt like she just met her husband’s lover. Norma was hurt and disappointed, and almost ashamed that she had had to be in the middle of them.</p><p>Why on earth hadn’t Alex been sincere? Why didn’t he told her that he was seeing someone just right before they married? </p><p>Because, one thing was sure, they had been together recently. Rebecca’s look was a mixing of sadness, hurt and anger that only people who had recently discovered that their lover got married could have. </p><p>Norma wasn’t bothered because Alex had had someone else before her, damn they were adults, they had plenty of people before they even met. Norma was annoyed because of Alex’s reaction to the meeting. He acted like he wanted to hide something.</p><p>“We have some bank business we need to discuss later.”</p><p>It was clear as the sun that he was telling her to hook up later. </p><p>Norma thought that things were going better with Alex, that he cared about her. She even hoped that he loved her! How foolish had she been.</p><p>
  <em>“It has to look real.”</em>
</p><p>Alex’s words were resonating in her mind. </p><p>After all, she couldn’t even hold it against him. She had been very clear. <em>“It would just be on paper.”</em></p><p>She could be angry just at herself. Although, she had sensed a change this past few days. She really couldn’t believe he had been sweet and caring to her just to bring her to bed. She couldn’t, wouldn’t believe it. </p><p>Norma felt a bond with Alex, a connection, something real. </p><p>But how could he have an affair? </p><p>“Do you want to dance?”</p><p>Alex’s voice brought Norma to reality. They were still walking between the stands of the Winter festival. The white lights were still shining bright, reflecting their magical sparkle on the lovers. Norma and Alex had been walking in silence since they parted from Rebecca, Norma deeply absorbed in her thoughts and Alex wondering about the reasons of her sudden silence.</p><p>“Do you want to dance?”, he asked again, louder this time.</p><p>Just now Norma noticed the dance floor in front of them. They were playing a slow, love song.</p><p>“Hm, yeah, sure”, answered Norma with trembling, unsecure voice. </p><p>She didn’t look him in the eyes and didn’t touch him until they were on the dance floor. Alex noticed right away that something was off, but now he had the proof. </p><p>Alex’s eyes looked for Norma’s while dancing. She specifically avoided his look, keeping a sweet smile, just in case anyone was looking their direction.</p><p><em>“It has to look real.”</em> </p><p>From the outside, they looked like two people in love who were enjoying themselves. But on the inside the were both aware that something was not okay.</p><p>“So, who’s Rebecca?”<br/>

The words escaped Norma’s mouth even before her brain could process them. The sadness and delusion were hidden being the hardness and distance of her tone. </p><p>Alex smiled softly, although he couldn’t hide the nervousness that Norma’s question brought to him. </p><p>“Just someone I knew before I met you.” </p><p>She was looking at him now. The answer was cryptic, too generic.</p><p>“Uh-huh.” She simply said.</p><p>She looked down for a second, the romantic music was echoing in her hears. She needed an answer. A real answer. Her façade felt, the pain and hurt were now visible on her face. Norma looked back at him, her tone was harsher now.</p><p>“And do you think that is enough? Do you really think that’s enough for me?”</p><p>Norma abruptly stopped to dance and distanced herself from Alex. She headed to the parking lot faster than she could. The tears were already lining her face as she said that to Alex, and she didn’t want him to see her cry. Norma didn’t want Alex to know that she was crying because of him. She didn’t even want to acknowledge herself that she was crying for him. She was sick and tired to cry because of a man, because a man failed her. Wasn’t that something men always did to her, anyway?</p><p>Norma arrived at her car, but a hand stopped her before she could enter it, making her turn. She didn’t realize Alex had followed her in the parking lot.</p><p>“What the hell-“, Alex started, but stopped immediately when he noticed her tears.</p><p>“Oh, Norma.” He said, with such a sweet, gentle, loving voice that she felt her heart ache. </p><p>“Norma,” he repeated her name, as if it was a divine concept, as if his whole world was enclosed in that name.</p><p>“I didn’t realize I really needed to say this, but you have absolutely nothing to worry about.” Alex was looking at her in the eyes and the solemnity of his words, somehow, made her feel better immediately, made her feel reassured. He always had the magical ability to made her feel calm, even when she was mad at him. </p><p>“Norma,” he chuckled nervously, “you are my whole life. I sure didn’t think I was going to say this in a parking lot, nor that I was going to say this to you so soon, but you are the reason I wake up in the morning. And you’ve been it for a while now. You are the strongest woman I’ve ever met, and you shouldn’t feel threaten by anyone. Not when you are with me.” </p><p>Norma breathed a sigh of relief. She was shocked by his revelations, but also happy and relieved. </p><p>“I’ve been with Rebecca before we got married, but not because I loved her or even liked her. It was because I felt lonely and because she felt lonely too. We just found each other.” </p><p>Norma heart broke at his confession. She knew too well what he meant. She also felt lonely the night she slept with her “therapist”, or the night she stormed into George’s house to have sex with him. She felt lonely and scared and she needed someone to distract her from her pain. She just needed someone as a distraction. And so did Alex.</p><p>“Alex,” Norma started, but Alex interrupted her before she could tell him how sorry she was.</p><p>“Norma, I’ve never felt lonely since we married. Not one single time. You brought light into my life, gave me a reason to be. You saved me.”</p><p>“You saved me.” Alex whispered again just a second before crashing his lips on hers. He kissed her sweetly, without deepening the kiss. He was telling Norma he loved her through it. He couldn’t tell the words yet, mostly because he thought she wasn’t ready to hear them, but he tried to tell her his feeling through his speech and the kiss.</p><p>Norma felt lightheaded the second his lips touched hers. She always felt the floor disappear under her feet when Alex kissed her. </p><p>She was shocked by his revelation and was stuck on her feet. Of course she felt the same about him, and she wanted to tell him that she had never felt alone with him too, that she was happy he became a part of her life and that without his friendship, she would probably be dead, at the hands of her son, or probably, at the hands of fate. He was her friend, the only friend she could ever count on and that, even before the fact that he was her partner now, had made the difference for her. No one never helped her. She could never count on anyone but her, since the day she was born. </p><p>“You’re the only one who ever helped me.” Norma said, distancing her lips from Alex’s just a few millimeters. Alex smiled on her lips, and she returned the smile, chuckling lightly. </p><p>“You’re the only one that ever made me smile.” </p><p>Norma knew that Alex just told her that he loved her, and she appreciated the subtle way he was expressing his feeling. Mostly because she didn’t know yet what she felt. The wall around her heart prevented her from allowing her true feelings to prevail.</p><p>So, she smiled to him, a gently, loving smile that hold all her feelings for Alex.</p><p>“Take me home.” Whispered Norma.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Back at the house</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Apparently I have some other ideas for this fic, so this won't be the last chapter, as I said before. I'll write untill the flow will stop. Thank you again for the ideas and encouragment. I really appreciate it :)</p>
<p>Ps. sorry the the short chapter, but I'll try to update in a couple of days.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alex was rushing her out of the car, kissing her quickly while trying to climb on the steps that took to the big house on the hill. </p>
<p>Norma felt like floating.</p>
<p>All she could see was bright, the sparkle of the white lights’ festival still shone in her mind’s eyes. It happened all so quickly she didn’t even know how she got to the door of her house. </p>
<p>Alex was smiling, Norma had never seen him smile so much. He had his arms around her hips and his mouth only centimeters from hers. They were breathing hard, the anticipation of the kiss somehow better than the kiss itself. Alex opened the second door and at the same time he gently pushed Norma to the edge of the door and, painfully slowly, he reduced the distance between their mouths. </p>
<p>Norma felt a rush of excitement run across her spine. It was sexy and beautiful. </p>
<p>When she got out of the house this morning, she would have never thought that she would have come back with Alex’s tongue in her mouth. Norma felt like she was a new person from the one she was that morning. She was more secure, of herself, of Alex, of her feelings. She was now kissing him not because she needed comfort, or because she felt lonely, or because she felt like she needed to prove him that she was on the same boat with him. </p>
<p>For the first time, Norma was kissing him because she wanted to. She really wanted to. </p>
<p>She felt somehow free. Free from her walls.</p>
<p> Sure, they were still there, but maybe, now, Alex was inside them with her. He somehow succeeded to break in. They were two lonely persons, that kept company one another, understanding and caring deeply for the other.</p>
<p>Norma almost forgot to breathe when Alex started opening her coat, while one of his hands wandered from her hips to her ass, grabbing and squeezing it, while she moaned in his mouth. </p>
<p>She suddenly remembered her thoughts just before Rebecca took her attention. Norma took off Alex jacket and then returned the favor, gently grabbing and smacking his marmoreal ass. He chuckled just before to resume his attack to her lips.</p>
<p>She distanced herself, taking Alex’s face in her hands. He looked back at her. She wanted to study every detail of his face, and so did he. They looked at each other for a while. Their looks were a mix of lust and love.</p>
<p>Norma was panting, her heart was going at a high-speed. She couldn’t believe she was in the arms of a man and the only thing she could think of was the word “Love”. She was scared to death just thinking about it, let’s figure say it out loud. A part of her, however tiny and insignificant, was still afraid to let herself go. The other part knew that she could trust him, that Alex was, probably, the only one she could and could ever trust. </p>
<p>“I wanna see you”, said Norma suddenly, breaking the magic of their glances.</p>
<p>He laughed, while Norma protruded forward to turn on the light. </p>
<p>Alex’s attention was immediately taken from the scenery in front of him. Norma gave him another kiss, before turning to the mess in her house.</p>
<p>“Oh, my God.” She said, going into the living room to find the exact same mess that was in the hallway.</p>
<p>“Who would do this?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Into the house</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The story is taking a different turn from the one I imagined at first, but my idea is still to put the focus on Norma and her feelings and thoughts. I just want all of you to see the story from her point of view.<br/>Anyway thank you for reading :)<br/>Ps. I just want to apologize for any grammar mistake. Tthe only excuse I can use is that english is not my mothertongue.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma was shocked, she couldn’t believe someone had entered her house and had, in addiction, broken her favorite window. She was desperate. </p><p>Norma quickly made a mental list of all the people she could have pissed in the last days, but no name came to her mind. She had been too occupied worrying about her son and marrying Alex.</p><p>Norma went to the broken window and stared at it helplessly. It was her favorite window, one of the reasons she eventually decided to buy the house. It was her favorite window.</p><p>Damn it.</p><p>She was enjoying her evening so much and had plans that included a bed and a naked Alex. </p><p>Damn it.</p><p>Every time she was near a grain of joy, life always had to put itself in the middle, avoiding Norma to reach her so deserved happiness. It was so frustrating! And now the obstacle presented itself under the figure of a break-in and a broken<br/>
window. </p><p>Her <em>favorite</em> window! </p><p>She was starting to become repetitive, but the shock prevented her thoughts from going too far. Her focus was on the goddamn broken window and how could someone break something so beautiful and peaceful. </p><p>The object was so meaningful for her, she was truly heartbroken. Norma remembered the first time she went to see the house, before buying it. She had hopes for the future, for her future and Norman’s. Norma wanted to buy a house where she could finally feel comfortable, where she could feel safe, at ease, where she didn’t have to walk on tiptoes, afraid to make any noise. </p><p>A house where she could be herself. </p><p>And, the moment her eyes lingered on the beautiful colored glass window, she felt all those feelings. A warm sensation wandered through her body and she knew right away that that house would become her home.</p><p>And now it was all broken. Norman was away from her, shut in a mental facility, her relationship with Dylan was still unstable, she had suffered great pains in that house and, to conclude, her favorite window was broken into little colored pieces.</p><p>Damn it.</p><p>The noises Alex was making brought Norma to reality.</p><p>“Are you sure we should be cleaning this up? Maybe we should dust for prints or something.” Norma said, after she turned to Alex, focused on taking stuff from the floor to casually place it on the nearest shelf. It was a crime scene after all, and Alex was the sheriff! It shouldn’t take him too much time to figure out who did all of this to them.</p><p>“They wore gloves, Norma. There’s no prints.” Alex said, with a cold, annoyed tone. As he was explaining things to a ten-year-old. He still hadn’t looked Norma in the eyes since she turned on the lights and the messy result of the break-in came to their vision. </p><p>“They? Who’s they?” Asked Norma, worried. </p><p>“They, he, she, whoever it was.” Replied Alex.</p><p>They. He.</p><p><em>She</em>.</p><p>His answer resonated in Norma’s mind.</p><p>“Well, did they have to break my favorite window?” She asked, still pissed by it.</p><p>“That’s mean. That’s personal.” Continued Norma.</p><p><em>Personal</em>.</p><p>“What the hell, Alex? I’ve been so good. I’ve totally kept to myself. All I’ve been thinking about is Norman and getting him better. I’ve been busy marrying you. I’ve haven’t had time to piss anyone off.” Norma looked again at her broken window. A fear rised in her chest.</p><p>“What if it’s Bob Paris again?” Maybe the man was still pissed at her and now, after some time had passed, he could have returned to take his revenge. She did ruin his life after all. Sure, it was a life of crimes and murders, but from his point of view, she destroyed it. What if it was Bob Paris again? Then what?</p><p>Alex stood and, finally looked in her eyes. He thought about it for a second.</p><p>“No, it’s not Bob.” He assured her.</p><p>“How do you know?” Norma insisted.</p><p>“Because it’s an amateur move. It’s sloppy, it’s—it’s—”</p><p>“It’s pretty aggressive.” Norma was not going to let her theory down. She was sensing a particular annoyed tone from Alex, a tone he used to have with her on the first days they met, when he was sure she was the killer of Keith Summers. She needed to investigate this more, to understand if it was just a sensation or something more.</p><p>“It’s about me.” He eventually said. </p><p>Alex looked at her and a long second passed in silence.</p><p>Norma looked at him and a series of thoughts scrolled through her mind. First, she feared for Alex’s life. Maybe he wasn’t safe, what if someone wanted to hurt him? But the look of Alex’s eyes told her quickly that the break-in wasn’t a threat to him.  Second, she thought about Bob Paris and HER safety, but again, Alex’s look reassured her. Alex was looking at her with sorry eyes, like HE was the one that did something wrong.</p><p>Oh my God.</p><p>
  <em>‘They, he she, whoever it was’ </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘That’s mean. That’s personal.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘It’s about me.’</em>
</p><p>Norma’s eyes shone with rage. Her look was lethal.</p><p>“It was her, wasn’t it?” Norma’s words were harsh and severe. The tone of her<br/>
voice was cold and distant.</p><p>That little bitch. </p><p>Alex looked at her without saying a word. Although his eyes were telling her all she needed to know.</p><p>“I can’t believe it.” She chuckled without joy.</p><p>“I just can’t believe it.” Norma shouted this time. Norma’ tone was ferocious, she had the ability to snap at someone with such rage in a millisecond of time, going from chuckling or talking with a calmer tone, to simply shout and look at whoever was in front of her with such intensity to scare him. She was a lioness, ready to attack at any second.</p><p>And Alex was now her prey.</p><p>Norma went right in front of Alex, who had been motionless the whole time, silently asking her for forgiveness. </p><p>“Norma- “He tried to start.</p><p>“She broke into my house Alex!”, Norma shouted. She was now inches from him. “So, what is it now? a matter of territory? Is this what we are talking about? Is she marking the territory?” The tone of her voice was high and angry. “What is this, a kind of contest? Who’s the bitchest of all will win the guy? And what the fuck was all that ‘we have some bank business we need to discuss later’?” Norma imitate Alex’s low voice.</p><p>“Norma- “Alex tried again.</p><p>“And don’t dare you say you’re sorry! Now you’ll explain to me why on heart a girl who meant nothing, in a relationship who meant fucking nothing, had to break into my house for the sake of it.”</p><p>Norma was furious. She couldn’t see straight, the rage made her see everything red, literally. </p><p>She sighed heavily to calm herself down and placed a hand on her face.</p><p>“I trusted you when you said she meant nothing to you.” Norma said with a whisper. Her tone was calmer, hurt.</p><p>“But she meant nothing to me!” responded quickly Alex.</p><p>“She really meant nothing to me! She just kept me company for a couple of nights.” Alex tone was solemn, and he was looking at her in the eyes, his look was sorry but also desperate, desperate for her to believe him.</p><p>“Well, it did mean something to her apparently.” Norma added, helplessly. The hurt shone in her eyes and on her words. A single tear escaped her eye and lined her cheek. She didn’t want to cry again, not for this reason. She was tired of the whole thing and just wanted to sleep. </p><p>Alex moved closer to her and his hand moved in direction of her face. Alex placed his hand on her face, his thumb caressed slowly her check, gently removing the escaped tear. Norma allowed the hand to linger on her face just a few seconds before pulling away.</p><p>“Look, we’ll clean the mess your girlfriend left tomorrow. I’m too tired to argue now.” And with this, Norma left an astounded Alex alone in the living room and went upstairs. She wore her pajamas and went to bed. </p><p>Norma couldn’t believe she felt so sad about something so normal. He hadn’t cheated on her, he hadn’t beaten her nor assaulted her. He hadn’t gotten home drunk or hadn’t left her. However, she felt like crap. She felt betrayed even if she could understand that, logically, he didn’t have nothing to do with it, that he was sorry and shocked like she was, and that the redhead did a wrongdoing to him too, not just to her. She was aware that Alex didn’t instigate Rebecca and didn’t asked for the break-in. But she also needed to be angry at someone and the nearer person was Alex. He hadn’t been transparent on his relationship with Rebecca form the start and this made her immediately feel insecure. </p><p>Why had men such an influence on her moods and feelings? </p><p>Norma’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of heavy footsteps. She heard the door slowly opening. Alex cleared his voice; his tone was insecure and demanding.</p><p> “I’m not sure where I should sleep tonight.”</p><p>Norma sighed, annoyed.</p><p>“Alex,” she turned to him, “we are just arguing. Sure, I’m pissed at you, but all the couples argue. It doesn’t mean I’m planning to divorce.”</p><p>She turned back to rest her head on the pillow.</p><p>“But, of course, if you want to sleep in Dylan’s room it’s fine to me”. Norma whispered with trembling voice.  </p><p>She didn’t want him to sleep in Dylan’s room. She wanted her husband to sleep with her, in their bed. But she was too afraid he wanted to sleep away from her to even look him in the eyes. When she heard silence for too much time, she was sure Alex had exited the room and gone to sleep somewhere else. Norma was already starting to cry when she felt the bed cover move and Alex’s body pressing hers. His arm went around her as Alex spooned her.</p><p>“I’m still angry.” She said, smiling.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The day after the break-in</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“We’re gonna get the window fixed.” </p><p>This was the promise that Alex whispered in Norma’s ears the night before, after he gently spooned her. She got so much comfort from just his touch. Norma knew she couldn’t stay angry at him for too long, but she wanted to stick to her gun, at least for the night. So, she hadn’t reciprocated Alex’s gently touch, keeping the right distance: not too far from him, not too close. </p><p>Norma woke up early. She wanted to get into action and find a guy to fix the window. Her favorite part of the house was not going to stay broken for too much. </p><p>She wanted to fix her life, the relationship with her son and husband and she wanted to fix Norman. </p><p>She was going to start from the window, one step at a time. </p><p>Norma went to a near hardware store and, after the employee told her they hadn’t that kind of window guy, she left her info knowing that, probably, the employee wouldn’t help her.</p><p>She visited another couples of stores without success and then she took the road that would bring her back home. She was hopeless.</p><p>The cloudy sky reflected his grey on everything under, from the road to the roof of the buildings. It was all shadowed of a disheartening grey. </p><p>Norma was driving, the left elbow leaned on the car window, the hand supporting her head, the other hand placed on the wheel. She was thinking about her argument with Alex. She knew she shouldn’t think of something like that while driving, she could lose the focus on the street ahead of her. And that was dangerous. </p><p>But the road was empty, and she couldn’t help herself. The weather was reflecting her feelings and was putting her in a funny mood. It was like she had two different people inside her, two different people arguing. One was cynic, cruel, her words were disdainful. This one thought that Norma didn’t deserve nothing from life but pain. She claimed that Alex was of course cheating on her, and that she deserved it.</p><p><em>“You are a slut, you are insignificant, you are ugly and deserved all that happened to you: the rapes, Norman illness, Sam’s beatings. It was all your fault. You have always been a bitch and you’ll always be. You don’t deserve happiness. You deserve nothing.”</em>  </p><p>This was the voice that, often, accompanied Norma during her everyday life. She was used to it and knew that she shouldn’t listen to it too much. Although, the voice had already gotten into Norma’s subconscious, having been there all her life, since she was conscious. And it had already had effects on her life and on the perception that Norma had of herself. </p><p>And then, there was the other person, the one that hoped for a better future, the one that had always fought back, no matter what. This one trusted Alex and trusted his love for her. This one believed that Norma deserved happiness and had, therefore, never ceased to fight for it. It was the part of Norma that had help her go through everything that happened to her, it was the part of her that still believed that good things happen to good people, and that believed that Norma <em>was</em> a good person.</p><p>Norma was in the middle, believing both the little Norma inside of her, but wanting to follow, by any means, the one that always saw the silver lining.</p><p>She wanted to believe Alex. She wanted to believe him because he was the only real friend she had ever had, because he was her husband, because he told her his truth looking at her in the eyes with such intensity, she could only believe him. </p><p>Because the way he touched her, felt like nothing she had before. </p><p>She felt such a deep connection with him, like they were the only one to share the same language. Norma felt a warm sensation establish deep in her gut every time he looked at her. Every time he touched her, Alex left a trail of goosebumps on her skin. Every time Alex kissed her, Norma felt like the word was exploding and she and Alex were left alone, floating lightly into the infinite space.</p><p>She could not believe that after all these sensations, Alex lied to her. She knew he felt the same way about her. Her instinct never failed this way. She wanted to believe that Alex cared about her. He deserved a little trust after everything they had been through together.</p><p>Norma decided to silence the auto destructive part of herself, the one that never allowed her to become close to anyone in her life. She wanted to share everything with her husband, she wanted to let him in completely, she wanted to let him be a part of her life. And this required an enormous effort of trust from Norma.</p><p>Norma’s focus changed from her thoughts to the road when the big house on the hill entered her vision. She arrived at home. </p><p>She climbed the steps, hoping to find Alex home, but knowing that he had probably already left for work.</p><p>When Norma entered a gasp of surprise left her mouth. The house was perfectly in order, the mess of the night before remained just a nightmare. Alex must have cleaned everything while she was in town looking for someone to fix the window. </p><p>Norma smiled. This was yet another proof of how much Alex was trying hard to make her trust him, to be a good husband for her.</p><p>Norma went to the kitchen and made herself something to eat. Her mood was improving, so she decided to start preparing something delicious for tonight’s dinner. Something that could mean ‘thank you for cleaning everything up’ and also ‘sorry if I’ve been mean last night, I know it wasn’t your fault’. She put one of her colored aprons and started cooking. </p><p>After Norma finished cooking, she went into the living room, sat on the couch and started reading a book, but something was bothering her. She noted that the pictures of her and Norman were on the shelf, instead of the small table and that other objects were also misplaced. She really appreciated that Alex had clean everything up, but she couldn’t ignore the fact that everything was in the wrong place. It was a little thing, but it was bothering her a lot. Norma got up sighing and started cleaning the living room, putting everything in his right place. The sense of happiness brought by this simple act brought a smile on her face.</p><p>A knock on the door made Norma froze in her place. Alex was at work and had his key anyway, Norman was away at Pineview and Dylan was with Emma. A second knock made Norma’s leg move instinctively toward the door. She looked through the door glass and a weird man appeared in front of her. He smiled.</p><p>“Yes?” Said Norma with a suspicious tone.</p><p>“I heard you have a stained-glass problem.” The man’s voice was low, and he looked like a giant, hurt bear. </p><p>Norma was doubtful about the guy, after all, not everyone that knocked on her door had had good intentions. She made him a couple of questions before letting him in. She felt tiny and fragile near him, near Chick. That’s what he told her to call him. </p><p>Chick started to make comments on her house, ignoring her. Norma started to feel anxious, she knew she shouldn’t let strangers enter her house if she was alone, it was dangerous. But she would also feel foolish asking him to leave on the base of this only reason. She would feel stupid and powerless, and what if he laughed about it? Men didn’t understand the dangers that being a woman implicate. </p><p>Finally, Chick followed her to the window. She felt reassured the moment he started talking about stain glass. He was really there to help her, and was probably a good guy, no matter how his height and shabby look made him look frightening. His voice was low, but also calm and warm. </p><p>After Chick went away, Norma got back to her cleaning and to her thoughts.</p><p>She felt reinvigorated by the visit of that odd guy. Her window was going to be fixed, and with it she would begin to feel her life a little less chaotic. </p><p>Norma was going to wait for Alex and apologize for the night before. She decided that he was to be trusted and, unless he proved the contrary, she would open to him and let him be a part of her life, without impede all his efforts. She wouldn’t shut him out, not again. </p><p>Norma was starting to give a name to the feeling she had for Alex, but she was too afraid to pronounce it, even in her head. She knew well how things were, but she didn’t feel ready yet. She would process the feeling later, luckily, there was no pressure. </p><p>This was a thing that Norma really appreciated and was grateful for. Alex didn’t pressure her to dive deep in their relationship. He was willing to wait her times, and to wait that Norma had the chance to fully process her feelings. She barely understood her feelings and didn’t even knew she could still feel such things and she needed time to fully comprehend what they meant. She didn’t want to rush into something just to regret it immediately.</p><p>Norma knew herself: she needed time when feelings were involved.</p><p>After the turbulent relationship she had with her brother and with Sam, she always doubted her instinct about men. After how things went with her past relations, Norma was now reluctant to let her heart took over her brain. She didn’t trust her instinct when it came down to men. She used to fall in love too easily and with too much intensity. The tumble from the mountain of illusion and lies had been even more painful once reality, eventually, came to kick her in the ass. Norma doubted herself constantly now, when it came to who she chose as partner. She didn’t want to live the same life she had with Sam; she wasn’t going to do that same mistake another time. She knew she deserved more that abuse. She had come to this realization too late in her life, but now that she finally had, she was determined not to let any sort of abuse into her life. </p><p>Never again. </p><p>That was also the reason she decided to ask Alex to marry her. Sure, she was still hesitant about her feelings, but she was more than certain that Alex would never beat her, nor rape her. He was a good person, a good man, and he would never touch her without her permission. Norma was 100% sure and had never had a bit of doubt about it. </p><p>Never.</p><p>She smiled, thinking about how Alex had immediately pull back from their kiss, the morning before, when she told him it was being too much for her. Alex had jumped away from her with such speed, it seemed he had burnt his hand on the burner. He respected her as a person and woman, and that was already much more than she ever received from her previous partners. </p><p>Her love life had been a mess, a mix of wrong choices, fear and submission. But she was sure the future was going to be brighter and full of love and happiness. She needed to believe it. She needed to believe that her life was more than pain and suffers. </p><p>Norma needed to believe it with all the faith she had.</p><p>She finished to clean the living room and decided to go check the motel, to see if there were things she needed to do before closing the office for the day.</p><p>Norma took off her apron and placed it back in the kitchen before heading out and climb down the stairs that would have led her to her motel.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. At the house pt. 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you listen music while reading I suggest "Best girl" by Dope Lemon for this chapter :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma felt incredibly happy after talking with Chick on the porch of her motel. Sure, the guy kept giving her the creeps, but the new design for the window he created was astonishing. Norma knew the new window was going to be even more beautiful than the previous and, in her mind, this worked as a metaphor for her new life. Everything was going to be fine.</p><p>She was going to be fine.</p><p>Norma had already closed the motel office and was now in her living room, trying to read a book. But her mind was torturing her, playing the same song again and again. So, she decided to stand up from the couch and to go to the piano, to try and recreate the song that was so strongly planted in her mind. </p><p>Norma started to sing and play; her thoughts went immediately to Alex. Images of him started to flow in her mind, like an impetuous river, that has no intention to stop or slow down. She realized the song that was implanted in her head was a love song. She was singing a love song and her mind went to Alex without hesitation. The simple realization shocked Norma. Her subconscious was telling her what her conscious mind was not ready to admit yet. She felt more than just friendship for Alex. Her feelings were there and were strong. The challenge now was to accept and embrace them without hesitation, without fear, without self-doubt. </p><p>But, was she truly ready? Once she admitted her felling, there was no going back. She would<br/>
have to deal with them, there would be no hiding from them. </p><p>Was she truly ready? </p><p>Norma felt her anxiety rise, a lump in her throat and a weight on her chest. Her breath speeded and she began to gasp trying to let the air enter her lungs. </p><p>Norma couldn’t admit nothing to herself. Not yet. She focused on the song that she was playing and on slowing her breathe. </p><p>Not yet. Just a some more time. She needed just some more time.</p><p>“I heard a melody.” Norma started to sing.</p><p>“It haunted me from the start.” Her breathe was back to normal now.</p><p>“Something inside of me, started a symphony.” Norma’s hands were still shaking though.</p><p>“Of my heart.” She was regaining her internal composure. </p><p>Norma’s eye caught a shadow on the periphery of her eye span, and this, brought her back into the room. </p><p>Alex was standing near the piano, watching her with spellbound eyes. He was smiling, a task that she noticed him doing much more these days.</p><p>“When did you sneak in?” Asked Norma, slight embarrassed that he found her doing such an intimate task. </p><p>“Oh, I just heard your playing. I didn’t want you to stop.” Alex was enraptured by her voice, it looked like a poor sailor, fallen prey to the bewitching canto of the mermaids. </p><p>Alex moved towards Norma and sat near her in front of the piano. He took gently her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. Alex had always had a thing for her hands. He loved to touch them, admire them, kiss them and tangle their fingers together.</p><p>“I think I found an amazing guy to fix the window.” Began Norma.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“It might be even more beautiful. He’s a real artist.” </p><p>“Oh, that’s great.” Answered Alex. </p><p>Norma wanted to tell him that she had exaggerated the previous night. She wanted to tell him that it hadn’t been his fault and that she believed him when he assured her that Rebecca meant nothing to him and that he had stopped seeing her. Norma wanted to tell him that she was working on her feelings and that he needed to have just a little more patience. Norma wanted to tell him that they would sort things out, that their relationship would have a brilliant future. </p><p>That they would age together and love each other until their last breath. </p><p>She wanted to tell him all of this. She wanted to tell him that she loved him and that he had been the only man that had made her feel special, loved even.</p><p>Norma wanted to tell him all of this.</p><p>She looked at him and then at their hands. Their fingers were intertwined, and Alex was gently caressing the back of her palm with his thumb. It was such an intimate gesture, like he was telling her that he would protect her and respect her. The way he was looking at her hand was like he was telling her that he admired her, that he loved her, that she was all he had, his whole world. All confessions that were hold in a gentle caress.</p><p>“The break-in might have been a blessing in disguise.” Was the only thing that escaped her mouth. The only thing she was able to tell him. </p><p>He smiled to her. His look was so innocent, naïve and simple sometimes. He looked at her like a baby that looks at the sky for the first time: a mix of surprise, awe and love. </p><p>Alex looked at her this way every single time. It was like he finally saw the light after a life spent in the darkness. And even if he was the sheriff and had seen bad things too many times during his job, he looked at Norma like the world was a beautiful place, where sadness and pain didn’t exist. Every time he looked at her it seemed like he was telling a silent thank you to whoever God was listening. Alex looked at her with such pure eyes, it looked like he became alive again, like the colors had come back and the grey of his days had disappeared. This was the look on Alex face.</p><p>And it was a look of a man hopelessly in love.</p><p>Norma didn’t want to ruin the moment but, knowing Alex, her curiosity got the better. </p><p>“Have you talked to her?” There was no need to clarify who she had been referring to.</p><p>Alex sighed.</p><p>“Yeah. It’s handled.” He said coolly.</p><p>Norma didn’t ask more. She didn’t want to know how he “handled” it. She knew Alex could not physically harm a woman, no matter what she had done. She knew that he had probably intimidated her, but she didn’t want to know the details. She knew, from her experience, that her husband could be very intimidatory. </p><p>The image of Alex being the bulldog sheriff of White Pine Bay made her mind wander, and a specific image came to her mind. </p><p>Alex had been pretty sure about the lack of implication from Bob Paris in the break-in. He had been too sure.</p><p>“Did you kill Bob Paris?” Asked Norma, before her mind could decide whether she wanted to have this information.</p><p>Alex froze for a second, hesitant on what to reveal exactly. He turned his head to her rapidly, but couldn’t look her in the eyes, so he turned his head again and looked at the void in front of him.</p><p>Norma didn’t need a vocal explanation.</p><p>“Why? Why did you do it?”</p><p>Alex finally looked at her.</p><p>“I had no choice.” </p><p>Alex’s gaze was intense and was telling her all she needed to know, all the information he could tell her.</p><p>For her. </p><p>He killed Bob Paris for her. </p><p>Norma was shocked. She couldn’t believe that he had done something like that <strong>for her</strong>. Norma made a fast calculation and concluded that Alex had killed Bob before she asked him to marry her. It wasn’t truly relevant, but she was incredulous. Alex, his at-the-time-friend, Alex, had killed for her before he became her husband. </p><p>This was absurd. It was then that Norma, for the first time, truly understood the depth of the feelings Alex had for her. He hadn’t considered her a simple friend and he didn’t consider her a “just on paper" wife now. Norma was so important to him that he couldn’t bear to see her behind the bars or desperate because her son was in prison. </p><p>Norma panicked at the revelation of the extent of Alex’s feelings. She didn’t deserve this kind of love, the kind that is so pure, true and deep that her lover was ready to kill a man and, probably go to prison, for her. She was overwhelmed. </p><p>The nasty voice in her head became louder and was telling her that she was crap. She was arguing with herself, trying to understand her feelings for Alex, while he was killing people for her. She didn’t deserve him. She didn’t deserve his love. The nasty voice in her head was becoming louder with every second that passed.</p><p>Norma didn’t know what to say or, better, she wanted to say so many things she didn’t know where to start. </p><p>So, Norma took Alex’s face into her hands and moved him closer to her, their foreheads were kissing. She hoped that her gaze and the touch of her hands brought him all the love and gratitude she couldn’t articulate with words. </p><p>Alex let himself go into her touch and, once again, she had the impression that Alex was taking her strength and energy from the simple touch of her hands. Like she was the spring of life, and he was rushing, thirsty, to her. </p><p>Alex took her to bed that night, their bodies were tangled together. They didn’t make love, they just stared at each other, exchanging caresses, touches, and sweet talks. They needed the contact, but they didn’t want to ruin the moment with the implications that a sex between them implicated. They just wanted the company of the other and to get comfort through the gentle touch of the other. They didn’t need anything else. For now. </p><p>Norma shut down her mind. Her thoughts were far away. She wanted to feel. </p><p>Feel, feel and feel. Just feel. </p><p>Norma cradled in Alex’s arms. Alex’s strong arm were gently circling his lover and Norma was floating, finally overwhelmed by her feelings. She felt. It was like a gate, that she kept for too much time closed, had finally opened again and now the feelings that she had kept captive for too long, rushed out, overwhelming her. She felt lost and at home at the same time. It was weird, but also normal at the same time. It was black, but also white at the same time.</p><p>And safely, with Alex’s arms around her, Norma fell asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. In the morning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So sorry for the late update, but I've had troubles with this chapter and also had zero time to write lately. I've decided to cover all season 4. I've some ideas, I just have to develop them. Thank you for reading and for staying with me! I hope you'll enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma was in the kitchen, doing one thing she had never thought possible: she was dialing Caleb’s number. </p>
<p>The mere thought to call his brother and father of her son made her stomachache. She thought she was free. Free from the grip Caleb had had on her conscience and soul. </p>
<p>But she was wrong. Very wrong. </p>
<p>Caleb was once again storming in her life, threatening to destroy everything she had built with enormous difficulty and sacrifice.</p>
<p>Norma was worried that that guy, Chick, would tell everyone about Caleb and her, that he would tell Alex about them. She was scared to death that her childhood secret, so well hidden in the remote rooms of her brain for so many years, would end up destroying the only good thing that had happened to her in years, maybe in her whole life.</p>
<p>Norma was also angry, boiling with rage for how stupidly and casually her secret had been revealed. If she only had been a little more careful. Had she only been a little bit more observant and had she trusted this guy, a fucking stranger for God’s sake, less, she could now be finally free from this terrible secret that had slowly eaten her from the inside during the past years. A secret so heavy that she had sacrificed her relationship with her older son, all her possible love stories, her capacity to trust and be trusted. Norma was so tired to keep losing her energies into hiding something that would eventually come back knocking on her door. She wanted to finish this once and for all.</p>
<p>Norma heard Alex’s heavy steps up in their bedroom. He was probably getting ready to work. </p>
<p>Norma got up and went upstairs. She was welcomed by Alex muscular figure, concentrated on placing the sheriff’s badge on his belt. </p>
<p>Norma smiled to him, and he quickly reciprocated.</p>
<p>“You got up early.” stated Alex.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t sleep.”</p>
<p>“What happened?” Alex’s tone was neutral, but with a sweet hint of worry that made Norma’s heart melt.</p>
<p>Norma was very tempted to tell him everything, so Alex could swing his magic badge and make everything disappear. He would handle it and she would be free from every concern. Just, this time he would probably disappear faster than a lightning. It would be like something bright and warm had went through Norma’s life and then would have disappeared, like nothing had ever happened. </p>
<p>Norma was sure that Alex would be disgusted at her past and would never want to touch her again or even talk to her again because, beside the fact that she had done something despicable, she had also lied to him and hidden her past even if she knew Alex would have wanted to know who he was married to. </p>
<p>And he was married to a cheater, an incestuous, a coward, a murderer, a fake. </p>
<p>He was married to a monster. </p>
<p>Or at least that was what Norma thought of herself. She was sure Alex would flee away from her and she was now so selfish that she couldn’t allow such thing to happen. </p>
<p>Selfishness. Another flaw Norma could add to her never ending list. </p>
<p>“Nothing.” She answered simply, before dashing into Alex’s open and comforting arms.</p>
<p>Norma could feel Alex’s hands wandering always more south and gently rest on her butt. Norma noted it was something he always did when she was in his arms, and she didn’t complain.</p>
<p>Norma started to kiss him. She wanted to feel him near her, all over her, without having to tell him everything that was anguishing her. </p>
<p>Alex quickly stopped things before they got to a point of no return and told Norma that he was late for work. </p>
<p>In a blink of an eye Norma found herself out the magical and calming embrace of her husband, clinging to his hand before letting him go. His safe harbor was moving away from her, she could already hear his footsteps on the stairs, and she felt panic all over her, a weight on her chest spreading into her body. Her hand began to shake and her breath to shorten. </p>
<p>Norma was afraid that Alex could walk away from her so easily and permanently. Maybe not now nor tomorrow, but once he discovered her little dirty secret, Norma was sure Alex would run away from her faster than a cheetah.</p>
<p>And her most hidden fear was not to be left alone, but to be left before Alex could know how much he meant for her and how much he saved her, no matter how their relationship would end. She needed him to know that he was the love of her life and always will be. Even if he would be disgusted with her one day. </p>
<p>Alex had saved her from herself, from a life of despair, from her own son. And he needed to know that.</p>
<p>“Alex,” Norma called, needy.</p>
<p>She rushed into the hallway. He was already on the top of the stairs.</p>
<p>Norma looked at his confused expression. He was so sweet and innocent when he was with her. It was painfully adorable. He was so sweet, and she was just a horrible woman who was playing with everyone feelings, both his and her own. The saddest thing was that she could not stop. She hadn’t the guts nor the strength or will to stop. Norma was sinking into the abyss, and she was dragging Alex with her. No prisoners. Just two lost souls that fell in love and were collapsing.</p>
<p>“It’s funny, you and I, isn’t it?” Norma had no idea what she was saying. She had never been able to express her feelings. She was able to hide them, ignore them, forget what they were, but never to tell them out loud. </p>
<p>Alex looked more confused than before.</p>
<p>“That we’re here and—and we’re happy,” happy was a reduction. She was glowing since he became her husband.</p>
<p>“That after everything, we’ve made it.” The first moment she met Alex appeared in her mind, and all the consecutive began to scroll right after. She remembered all the years of friendship, loyalty, but also fights and hate. How they started from being just the Sheriff of a small town and a suspect in a murder case to husband and wife, to actually be in love with one another. Norma smiled at the memories that were seeping through her mind. </p>
<p>“And you’re going off to work and kissing me, and it’s like I’m watching a movie, but it’s not a movie.” </p>
<p>She wanted to keep going, she wasn’t sure she had told him all she wanted to tell him. But Alex smiled and went near her. He took her head into his hands and gently moved his lips near hers. All she could do was smile and feel that tingling sensation in her stomach. She could only let herself go into his hands, dreamy. </p>
<p>Alex kissed her, a chaste kiss on the lips. A kiss with no passion but filled with love. The same love Norma had tried to express with words, Alex was expressing through his kiss. The kind of love that takes everything from you and leaves you with nothing. A cruel love, the type that threatens you to drive you to craziness, to abandon you into the most lonely and isolated void. When you let the other person be your whole world, even if you know that one day, they’ll just leave you. That kind of love. </p>
<p>The purest type of love that exists.  </p>
<p>Alex moved his head slowly, rubbing his nose with hers.</p>
<p>“It’s not a movie.” He assured her.</p>
<p>“Don’t screw it up.”</p>
<p>And at his words, Norma could do nothing but laugh, a pure laugh, that came <br/>directly from her heart. </p>
<p>She felt the need in Alex’s voice. He really needed her to not screw it up. And then he slowly went away, dangerously slipping away from her hands. Again.</p>
<p>Norma smiled. For a millisecond she felt the luckiest woman on earth. She was truly there, with the man she loved. A man that wasn’t abusive and that really loved her and respected her. She was lucky. So, so lucky that, sometimes, she really thought she was dreaming. One of those painfully realistic dream in which you are happy and have all you ever wanted. In which you are rich, or have the man of your dreams, or have the perfect family in the perfect house. And then you simply open your eyes and realize it had been a dream all along. That you’re still poor, alone and prisoner of a life that you don’t even recognize, asking yourself how the hell you got till there. That was what Norma felt sometime, when Alex kissed her and looked in her eyes with that intensity that always drove Norma crazy. </p>
<p>She felt like dreaming, and she had no intention of waking up.</p>
<p>Noma’s smile faded while she watched the love of her life climb down the stairs and exit their house. </p>
<p>
  <em>Don’t screw it up.</em>
</p>
<p>Alex’s words resonated into Norma’s head. She had fucked too many relationships up. She would not fuck this one up too. She cared about Alex too much, and this meant that she needed to handle Chick and don’t let him tell her secret to the world. </p>
<p>She needed to talk to him and to be sure her secret would remain hidden. Hidden to the world and especially to her husband. </p>
<p>Norma was not letting her new life and her rediscovered happiness be destroyed by an error from her past. Because it was an error. A terrible error indeed, but still an error. And everybody must forgive themselves for just on error. Right?</p>
<p>At least that was what Norma was telling herself on a loop since Alex exited their house. She made an error, but she could forgive herself. She had been young and naïve and didn’t know how the world worked. She only had the perception of the world that came to her through the reality that her home life was. </p>
<p>She was not going to let that error condition her life and the relationship with the kindest, sweetest and caring man in her life. </p>
<p>She was going to talk to Chick.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. At the office</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Norma's relationship with her brother is super chaotic. Here's my attempt to describe Norma's mixed feelings toward Caleb. I hope youl'll enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>He’s not a nice person Norma.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This is coming from some sort of wrong place, all right?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>What would it be like if that information got out? That you slept with your brother?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Norma just leave him alone, okay?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Your husband would find out who he really married.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m gonna be moving to Seattle.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You do the right thing.</em>
</p>
<p>Norma’s head was playing on a loop the two conversations she had with Chick and Dylan that day. She was overwhelmed with information, guilt and panic. She felt lost. She didn’t know what to do and how to solve the situation. Dylan was moving away from her and once Alex would discover her secret, he would leave her too. Norman was shut down in a mental facility. She would be left alone. </p>
<p>Norma sensed she was losing control over her life and everyone she had ever loved and cared for were inexorably leaving her, slipping through her hands like sand. She was losing control over everything. </p>
<p>She was lost, into the dark, and no one would offer her a flashlight. </p>
<p>Norma was in her office, her heart was pounding in her chest and she couldn’t think straight. She was dialing the number of every hotel in Costa Rica that included the word Eden in their name. And they were a lot.</p>
<p>Norma had spent the past hour and a half calling and hoping to find Caleb. She felt defenseless and scared again, like when she was a teenager and Caleb overpowered her. Every time her brother was involved, he had the power to make her feel weak, lost and scared. Norma, the powered lioness that fought with murderer and drug dealers was shaking like a leaf. She hated Caleb, she really, really hated him for making her feel like that, for having taken her voice down at the time and for keeping doing it even now. </p>
<p>Norma let her thoughts wander and imagined, just for a moment, that Chick killed Caleb. She would finally be free, and she would never have to worry about him again. But at what price? She hated him, but did she hated him enough to let someone kill him? </p>
<p>Her thoughts were interrupted by the voice of a man on the other side of the phone.</p>
<p>“Hello, does someone named Caleb Calhoun still work there?”</p>
<p>“One moment, please.”</p>
<p>She waited, she hadn’t much hope to find him at this point. </p>
<p>“Hello?” Caleb’s voice went from Norma’s ear directly to her heart, making it skip a beat. </p>
<p>Caleb’s voice kept asking if someone was on the phone, but Norma was frozen into place. She felt the tears threaten to escape her eyes and her mind went numb. She felt pain, a stabbing pain right in her heart. Her feelings were a mix of nostalgia, hate, love, miss, fear and sadness. And the pain was so strong she didn’t have enough breath to talk. She felt like drowning.</p>
<p>“Hello? Hello? Who’s this?” Caleb’s voice was insisting.</p>
<p>Norma inhaled a big breath and exhaled it, trying to steady herself.</p>
<p>“It’s, um—” began Norma in a whisper. She hadn’t enough energy to even talk with a normal tone of voice. It was like she had lost her voice and had used all her strength to find it again. </p>
<p>“It’s Norma Louise.” She didn’t know why she had to add Louise. She only felt Norma Louise when she was with Caleb. After she went away from her house, she felt the need to change her life and who she was, starting with the removal of Louise from her name. Caleb was the only one that called her that and she didn’t want to remember him every time someone called her. She just couldn’t bear to be Norma Louise anymore. She hoped she was better than that. Norma Louise Calhoun died the day she stepped out her father’s house. </p>
<p>Norma was a different person now but, for some obscure reasons, she felt the need to add the Louise to her name now. Maybe it was because when she talked to Caleb, she felt Norma Louise again, or because for a millisecond, she felt the need to be the little girl that she once was, without hiding her real self behind a name. Even if she hated it, she knew she could be herself with Caleb. She didn’t need to hide from him because he knew. </p>
<p>
  <em>He knew!</em>
</p>
<p>And because he knew, she could be Norma Louise with him. And she hated him for this too. She wanted to be herself with everyone but him. She was trapped in this paradox, and she hated him and loved him for this. </p>
<p>Norma Louise. She smiled. She missed the little blonde girl who dreamed of a better life and was naïve and gentle, that still believed in hope and that was capable of loving. Norma was grateful to Caleb because, when she was with him, she could find that little girl again. But she also hated him for bringing the little, naïve, sweet girl away from her. He stole her hope in the people and her capacity to look at things with dreamy, curious eyes. And that, was a thing she could never forgive him. Never.</p>
<p>“Norma. Oh, it’s so good to hear your voice.” Caleb’s voice was surprised and happy. Norma hated it. She hated that he was always happy to hear her voice. She hated that he had never realized the pain he had inflicted her. She hated that he still hoped.</p>
<p>This was so difficult. She didn’t know why she did it in the first place.</p>
<p>
  <em>You do the right thing.</em>
</p>
<p>Right. She had to help Chick kill her brother.</p>
<p>Caleb asked if everything was okay. If Dylan was okay.</p>
<p>“I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.” Norma said. And while she said that, she realized it was the truth. She really wanted to be sure he was okay. But why? Why was she so self-destructing? She realized that she really cared if he was okay or not. </p>
<p>
  <em>This is coming from some sort of wrong place, all right?</em>
</p>
<p>Dylan was so right, he didn’t even have a clue.</p>
<p>Norma listened to Caleb’s lame excuses for having disappeared. She was slightly disgusted and partly angry, because he had left Dylan without a word, hurting her poor son, that didn’t deserve nothing but happiness. </p>
<p>“How’s Dylan?” asked Caleb.</p>
<p>Norma cringed at that question. She had no will to talk about her son with Caleb, her brother and also father of her son. It was all too weird and wrong. </p>
<p>And suddenly, she found herself chatting with her brother about the girlfriend of their son. </p>
<p>Norma couldn’t believe what she was doing. It felt all too surreal, like she was having a strange dream, the one in which you look at herself from the outside and ask yourself why on earth is that girl acting like that. </p>
<p>Norma Bates was looking at herself from the outside, questioning her every move and asking herself why she hadn’t put the phone down already. She was defenseless when Caleb was involved. She was a teenager again and she did everything he asked, even having a conversation about their son. </p>
<p>What the fuck was she doing? 	</p>
<p>She was Norma Bates for fuck’s sake. NORMA BATES. She didn’t let anyone tell her what to do or how to behave. She didn’t feel powerless, ever. </p>
<p>“I miss you both.” And right when she felt she was regaining a grain of power, Caleb attacked her attempt of steadiness. It was a punch in the stomach. She missed him too. No, wait, what was she saying? She didn’t miss him, she hated him, right?</p>
<p>How could she hate him and miss him at the same time? </p>
<p>“Mm-hmm” was the only sound that came out of her mouth. </p>
<p>“You know, I think of you all the time, every day,” Another punch in the stomach. Norma wasn’t sure how many more punches she would be able to support before sinking.</p>
<p>“and Dylan, every day.”</p>
<p>Dylan.</p>
<p>“You know, you should call Dylan.” Norma changed the topic. She couldn’t bear the fact that her brother was talking about her. She told him to call Dylan because he was very disappointed when Caleb disappeared.</p>
<p>“I have to go.” Norma wanted to close the call as soon as possible. She had had enough of his voice and of the feelings it brought back. </p>
<p>“Okay. I love you.” Final punch. This one went so right into her chest that she lost her breath. </p>
<p>
  <em>I love you.</em>
</p>
<p>It resonated into Norma mind, hitting her heart every time. She couldn’t. She didn’t have the strength. It was too much. </p>
<p>She opened her mouth and closed it immediately. She wanted to tell him something but didn’t know what. She couldn’t tell him she loved him, because she didn’t have the strength to articulate the words and tell them out loud, but Norma knew that, deep down, she reciprocated his feelings. It was more complicated than what it looked like. She loved a version of him, memories of him, moments of happiness she spent with him. She surely didn’t love the man that abused and raped her. She hated that man and always refused to recognize him with the memory she had of her big brother. The same brother that had cared for her when they were kids, the same brother that fed her when their parents were too drunk and out of themselves to do it. The same brother that protected her for too many years and that used to reassure her and calm her. </p>
<p>
  <em>Don’t worry, he’s drunk, he’ll pass out soon.</em>
</p>
<p>The same brother that allowed her, even in their conditions, to hope and to dream.</p>
<p>
  <em>When I’ll be a grown up, I’ll have a beautiful house and I’ll take you away with me Norma Louise.</em>
</p>
<p>The same brother that saved her during all those years of fear and abuse. </p>
<p>But he was also the man that raped her and destroyed all her hopes. The man that allowed her to dream and at the same time the man that took that away from her. He robbed her of her right to dream. </p>
<p>Norma loved him. But she also hated him with all her soul. </p>
<p>She wanted to end this never-ending story of abuse, threatens, pain and toxic relationship. </p>
<p>“Good-bye Caleb.” Was all she was able to tell him before hanging the phone.</p>
<p>Norma knew where he was now. she could easily tell Chick the name of the hotel in Costa Rica and her life would finally be free from all the pain that her brother had inflicted her and was keeping inflicting.</p>
<p>But at what price?</p>
<p>Her brother would be killed. Her sweet little brother, with his ruffled blonde hair and that gentle smile that never failed to make her feel safe. Also, her rapist would be killed. A man she trusted with all her heart and that had stepped on her trust without hesitation.</p>
<p>And the father of her son would be killed. </p>
<p>Sure, Dylan wasn’t in a good place with Caleb right now, but no one wants their father to die. </p>
<p>No one. </p>
<p>And Norma knew that she couldn’t do that to his Dylan. She had already taken too much from him. She let him come to the world knowing she would hold against him all the pain his father had made her feel, and she did it. She had raised him punishing him, somehow, for the mistakes of his father. She had already taken away his mother from him, she would not take his father too. </p>
<p>She could not let Chick kill Caleb. And she didn’t want to lose Alex neither. She had already lost too much because of Caleb too. </p>
<p>This let her with no choice, no alternative. </p>
<p>She had to kill Chick.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. On the bridge</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma stopped the car at the beginning of the bridge. She had texted Chick earlier to let him know she had something to tell him, specifying the time and place she wanted to meet him. Norma was cold and calm. She knew what she had do to in order to protect her happiness and she was ready to do it. She wanted to protect her relationship with Alex, and she was now like a lioness with her prey. She was ferocious.</p><p>Norma was calm, steady, the emotional turmoil caused by her phone call with Caleb had left her empty. She decided that it was better, for the moment, to let the imposing walls come back around her heart, preventing her to feel and to allow her feelings to overwhelm her. She needed to see things straight now, to be calculated and pragmatic. She couldn’t let her feelings take over her mind right now. </p><p>She had to kill a man.</p><p>Norma liked Chick, she didn’t know why exactly, but the man didn’t scare her. Yes, he was blackmailing her, but he hadn’t physically nor emotionally hurt her. He was a broken man, looking for a crumb of justice. He had nothing against her, she was just a mean. And Norma couldn’t blame him, everyone that dealt with her brother deserved a little justice after all. </p><p>‘Just focus on what you have to do.’</p><p>Norma had a job to do, she didn’t need distractions, let alone to feel compassion or sympathy for the man she was going to kill.</p><p>Norma took a deep breath before picking up the gun she had hidden under the seat near her. She placed the gun in her pocket. </p><p>Chick was already out of his car, on the other side of the bridge, moving toward Norma with the naivety of a lamb going to the shredder. </p><p>Norma looked at him through the windshield. He was defenseless, like she had been too many times to count. He trusted her. Somehow, Norma knew that Chick trusted her and was so sure that she was a good person, that he had accepted to meet her on an isolated bridge, at night. </p><p>‘Just focus on what you have to do.’</p><p>Norma was repeating this sentence like a mantra. She had a job to do. She HAD to do it. It was for Alex, for Dylan, for herself. </p><p>‘Just focus on what you have to do.’</p><p>Norma took another big breath and got out of her car with a fast, resolved movement. </p><p>She was going to be fast about it. To be cold. To be resolute. She was not going to let her feelings come to this meeting. They were protected behind huge walls.</p><p>Right?</p><p>She never took her eyes away from Chick. She was staring at him like a lioness does with his prey. Cold stare. No emotions. It was just business, she repeated to herself. </p><p>Norma moved forward to join Chick in the middle of the bridge.</p><p>“You have something for me?” Chick’s voice seemed almost bored by the whole situation. He probably just wanted to end it all, like Norma wanted. </p><p>Norma looked at him dead cold. She looked so calm, so focused. She knew what was going to happen and her face revealed all the sad, inevitable truth of the next events. </p><p>She took the gun out of her pocket and pointed it at Chick. Her look was glacial, emotionless. </p><p>Chick’s face revealed all the surprise he felt, while Norma hold a gun at him. He didn’t expect it. </p><p>The look of surprise left the place to a sad, disappointed look. He wasn’t sad because he was going to die, he was sad because all his expectations about this woman were wrong. He was wrong about her and, this, inflicted him more pain that the thought of dying. His hopes in this woman shattered. </p><p>‘Really? Is that what you are?’ his look seemed to ask her.</p><p>Chick looked at Norma in the eyes with the awareness of dying soon and his eyes looked right into hers. Betrayal, this was reflected in Chick eyes.</p><p>Betrayal and disappointment.</p><p>And Norma could sense it. Chick disappointed stare was looking right into her soul. The walls around her heart were slowly falling to pieces. Alex had thought her to let her feelings have a voice again, to let them out of the walls. What would he think of her? What would Norma think of herself after that night? She had killed before, but it wasn’t because the man was an obstacle to her personal needs. She couldn’t kill just because things weren’t like she wanted them to be. </p><p>Chick was a person, he had a life. How could she take all of this away and keep looking at herself in the mirror? Norma knew she was a horrible person, but she wasn’t like the men that had destroyed her life. She was better than that. </p><p>She was human. </p><p>Norma fought with her feelings for a second, but then she couldn’t stand Chick’s look, so she looked away.</p><p>She took the gun down. She knew she was screwed now. She knew she would lose Alex forever. She also knew there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. She had been beaten. It was as simple as that.</p><p>And all for a stupid broken window.</p><p>Her life was going to be destroyed for a goddam window. Life has an irony of its own.</p><p>“I can’t get Caleb killed,” she started.</p><p>“and I can’t kill you,” she really couldn’t. </p><p>“so I’m screwed.”</p><p>“I’m screwed!” she shouted, pouring out all her frustration and distress.</p><p>“You got me! All I wanted was my freaking window fixed, and now you’re going to destroy my life!”</p><p>Images of her and Alex scrolled through her mind. Alex that kissed her, touched her, comforted her. Alex’s laugh and his hands on her butt every time they hugged. Alex’s smile, that had the magical ability to make her feel home.  He was her home, and now she was going to lose him.</p><p>“So just go right ahead.” Norma challenged him.</p><p>“JUST GO RIGHT THE HELL AHEAD!” she shouted, vomiting the words, being disgusted by how her life was going to be over.</p><p>Chick stared at her, surprised but also with sweet eyes. He was pitying her.</p><p><em>We were both hurt by the same person.</em> He had told her once. </p><p>And while Norma stormed into her car, unconcerned about anything and anyone, Chick looked at her, simply looked at her. </p><p>Her life was over, she didn’t care about anything now. </p><p>She was angry. Angry at the injustice of life. She had spent a life of pain and sacrifices just to see her finally deserved happiness be destroyed in a millisecond. It wasn’t fair.</p><p>Life hadn’t been fair with her and she could do nothing but be angry at it and curse at its injustice, while she drove under the thick rain.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments are life! I hope you enjoyed it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. In the kitchen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>just wanted you all to know that I haven't forgotten this story. I'm working on it. Have faith :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma heard the heavy footsteps of Alex from the kitchen. She has barely been able to cook dinner and not to be distracted by all the troubles she was immersed. When Dylan came to collect his stuff, Norma heard the crack of her heart breaking. She wasn’t ready to let him go and, from her point of view, he was just another of the few important people in her life that was leaving her. People always left her. She was toxic, people understood that at some point and always run far away from her. She was always left alone, exception made for other toxic people, like Caleb or Sam. They always stayed with her, they even looked for her. They were the only people that could tolerate to stay near her.</p><p>I guess monsters must stay together.</p><p>Norma had already said goodbye to a son, and she wasn’t ready to lose another one. In addition, Norma was sure she was going to lose her husband too, as soon as Chick would find Alex and tell him Norma’s dirty secret. She couldn’t think of anything now, she was too exhausted. She needed to concentrate on putting food on the table and have a nice dinner with Alex. She deserved a last dinner with the love of her life at least.</p><p>“Oh hey” Greeted Alex with a happy voice, entering the kitchen. He was always so cheerful when he was with her. The moment Alex entered the room his eyes sparkled, and a big smile placed his mouth. He was happy when he was with her and made sure to let Norma know it, in any moment, through his body language.</p><p>“Hi” responded Norma, with the same enthusiasm. She was happy when he was around. He had the ability of making her forget all the trouble of the world just with a look. When she looked in his eyes, the world shone.</p><p>“Sit down. Everything is ready.” Said Norma, placing two plates of pasta on the table. She wanted just a nice dinner with the man she loved. It wasn’t much to ask.</p><p>“You okay?” Asked Alex. God, he knew her so well. Of course, he sensed something was off. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Lied Norma. She wasn’t going to ruin her nice dinner. No, she was not going to do that. She avoided his look. Although, she was tired of lying, to him especially. She wanted to be able to tell her husband what was off, what was worrying her, anguishing her. But how could you tell someone that the only real problem in your life, the only fear you have night and day is that they could someday leave you? It’s insane. People should be able to live their life without depending from someone else. But when you finally, FINALLY, find someone that makes you feel loved and cared for, that make you feel yourself, that accepts you for what you are, how could you even breath when they are not near you? It’s a bit toxic, sure, but Norma Bates invented toxic relationship, so why couldn’t she end up in one being herself the victim?</p><p>“Sit down.” Said Norma again.</p><p>“Oh, you know what? Chick’s here with the window. I’m just gonna help him.” Said Alex.</p><p>“Chick?” Asked Norma with a worried tone, jumping from her chair.</p><p>How could he be here? He was going to ruin her nice little dinner. He was going to ruin her life and all Norma could think of was that she never felt lonelier than now, the moment she was gonna lose everything. The moment her life was going to be destroyed.</p><p>The moment the love of her life, her husband, her Alex was going to discover how horrible, sick and disgusting his wife was. It’s awful to stay on the peak of cliff and watch the love of your life fall in and not be able to help him. To watch his smile die, his eyes darkening and his glow dim, till only the darkness remained to keep him company. It must be very awful and now, Norma Bates, was going to live all of this, her worst nightmare.</p><p>“What did he say to you?” Was it already too late? Probably not, or Alex would be already far away from her.</p><p>“He said ‘I got the window I could use some help unloading it’.” Said Alex, looking confused by the weird question.</p><p>“Oh” </p><p>Norma was thinking on a way to get out of this mess but came up with nothing. Her mind was blank, she froze into place. She was scared, scared that she was going to lose the only person she really loved. And, suddenly, she realized that she was talking of love in her head, but that she never actually told him that. She never told Alex that she loved him. She had been too scared to do that and now it all seemed silly. She almost laughed at the irony of life. Something that seems scary one moment can seem silly in another. And suddenly she regretted non having told him that she loved him at least a million times. Every time he woke up or went to sleep, every time he offered her a cup of coffee, every time he came back from work, or every time they made love, when he hold her tight and looked at her like she was his all world. She wanted to go back in time and tell Alex that she loved him every second of every day that they spent together. Starting from the day they met on her motel porch and she was scared to death that he could arrest her.</p><p>
  <em>“Good evening, gentleman.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Deputy Zack Shelby, this is sheriff Romero.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We just wanted to make sure everything was all right here.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, that’s nice of you, and sheriff Romero I love you.”</em>
</p><p>That’s was what she wanted to do.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Asked Alex again. Her face fell the moment he mentioned Chick and he noted.</p><p>“I just--” Norma’s words died in her throat. She really wanted to tell him that she loved him, but the fear came suddenly back, and she was scared to say it now. She had said those three words, really meaning them, to just one other person, and things had gone awfully. She knew Alex wasn’t like Caleb, and was never going to hurt her, but saying those three words meant that the toxic, sick bound between her and her brother was permanently over. Norma wanted it to be over, but a part of her was afraid to know what she would find. She knew her mess very well and she knew how to move in it, normal stuff was out of her comfort zone and she was afraid of what she could find there.</p><p>But time was ticking, and she probably would not have another chance to try and love. So, fuck the fear.</p><p>Norma finally looked at Alex in the eyes, in those sparkling, full of hope eyes.</p><p>“I love you.” She blurted out and smiled.</p><p>The moment the words were out Norma felt her heart grow wider. She felt in peace. And the fear dissolved in a microsecond.</p><p>“I want you to know that.” She added. She wanted to let him know that the important thing for her was that he could know how much he meant for her.</p><p>Alex’s smile grew even bigger. He was astonished, he was probably not expecting that. Norma smiled, she felt a bit awkward because of his silence.</p><p>“You—you’re telling me this right now?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Was her only response. She wanted him to know that he had been the love of her life, that in the small time they knew each other he had saved her in all the way a woman can be saved. He saved her from herself, from the tiny evil voice that was in her head. He had been her everything, her best friend, the only man that made her feel safe, protected, cared for. The only man that had ever respected her and her needs. The only man who had made her feel special, so special that he glowed only in her present. He had been her all world and she didn’t know how to express this better than with those three little words.</p><p>“Well, I love you too.”</p><p>Norma already knew it. He had never told her that either, but she knew very well his feelings. Alex expressed them in everyway possible, in every act he did he showed her how much he loved her. Norma already knew it but hearing it directly from his voice was moving. It meant it wasn’t all a hallucination or a story she created in her mind. He really loved her. It was real.</p><p>And it was beautiful.</p><p>“I’ll be right back, you know?”</p><p>She loved how easy he made everything look. He was not going to be back, and she knew it. Those were the last seconds she was going to spend with her Alex, the Alex that loved and cherished her. Those were going to be her last seconds of happiness.</p><p>Norma laughed. She wanted to kiss him, to close him in the basement, so he could never find out about her and Caleb and he could love her forever. She wanted to go in the hallway and pray Chick not to tell anything. She wanted to stop time and stay forever frozen in her little corner of happiness. </p><p>She wanted to do a lot of things, but she could only watch Alex go into the hallway to help Chick. She could only watch Alex exit the kitchen and, surely, also her life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. In the hallway</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you to everyone who is still reading, your comments mean a lot!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That was it.</p>
<p>This last days has been heaven and, honestly, they have been more than Norma could had ever hoped for. She felt lucky for what she could had, while her heart broke and tiny tears lined her cheeks. She knew now what real love was and she felt grateful for that. She now knew what real, pure, non-toxic love was. Alex had wakened her up, she knew now that she was worth it, she was worth the love and respect. Alex had taught her that she was worth of love, that she was a strong, independent woman, that she could demand respect from a partner, that she wasn’t the abuse she had to endure her whole life, she was so much more than that. And Alex had taught her all of that. He helped Norma to silence the tiny evil voice inside her that had always told her that she wasn’t enough, that she wasn’t worth it, that she was only rubbish. Norma had more self-love now than she had ever had. She liked herself, she learned to like her flaws and to make them a part of her personality. She liked herself, and that thanks to Alex’s help. He showed her how much important she could be to someone. And now, it was all over. Her love, her life, her happiness was going to end right here and now, in her beautiful hallway, trough the bright and colorful light of her new glass window.</p>
<p>Norma learned to appreciate every bit of happiness in her life. She never cried on spilled milk, she used to toughen up and smile at tragedies. This time wasn’t different from the other hard times of her life. She needed to toughen up and confront life with the energy and resolve that only Norma Bates had.</p>
<p>Norma sighed and stopped crying. Her face was angry and resolute, but her eyes showed the hurt that her soul was feeling. </p>
<p>Norma headed into the hallway were Alex, her Alex, was helping Chick to unload the window. The damn window that was going to ruin her happiness.</p>
<p>Norma exited the kitchen and stopped on the doorstep of the hallway. Norma crossed her arms in front of her, her posture was an indication of her mood. There’s one thing she was sure of, she was not going to lose the love of her life without fighting. The fight was already lost, but she didn’t care, she was ready to fight. </p>
<p>Norma was a lonely Don Quixote against the windmills.</p>
<p>“Is there somewhere we can set it down?” Chick’s voice resonated in Norma’s head.</p>
<p>“Yeah, you can set it down right here.”</p>
<p>Norma’s tone was harsh and challenging. The anger and fury of her voice were reflected in her eyes. Her stare was a mix of hurt, anger and fear. Yes, fear. She was now realizing her secret would be out, and not only the fact that Caleb had raped her, but the fact that she had loved him for many years. She could not play the victim, her feelings for her brother had been real and the truth was that Caleb had been a victim too. A victim of a crappy household and of a life that had never been fair to him. She was a victim too, but her feelings had been real, she had made mistakes too. And, now, the consequences, the same consequences she had been running away her whole life, were knocking on her door and, this time, there wasn’t a place to hide, she would have to open the door and face them. She could fight, she could cry, she could despair, but she could not win this time.</p>
<p>She was doomed.</p>
<p>“Hello Norma.”</p>
<p>Chick was calm, like he hadn’t almost lost his life only hours ago. Norma knew he must have been eager to get his revenge for those awful 10 minutes they spent on that isolated bridge.</p>
<p>Alex was not only going to discover that his wife had been in an incestuous relationship, but that she was ready to kill in order to keep it a secret. The better option was that Alex was going to run away from her faster than he could. The worst option was that he was finally going to arrest her. The real worst thing for Norma was that she would have to witness how the loving way Alex looked at her would disappeare to left place to a cold, disappointed look.</p>
<p>“Yeah, hello”, Norma scoffed.</p>
<p>Chick acted normal, wanting to unwrap the window and show it to Alex and Norma.</p>
<p>Norma was defensive, she knew he was going to attack, she just didn’t know when exactly.</p>
<p>Alex sensed that something was bothering Norma, she was acting too strange and he couldn’t understand why. He nodded to Chick and helped him unwrap the window.</p>
<p>The window was a masterpiece and Norma was, for a second, taken aback from the beauty of the object.</p>
<p>It was beautiful and for a second Norma forgot why she was angry at all. This guy, who she tried to kill and who was blackmailing her, created a beautiful object just for her. This had no sense. He was going to destroy her peace and yet, he had created something astonishing just for her.</p>
<p>“You never know what you are capable of, until you’re tested.”</p>
<p>Chick’s voice brought Norma back into the room. He was looking right at her, his eyes were challenging her.</p>
<p>‘That’s it. This is the moment’ Norma thought.</p>
<p>Her fight mode was on again. Norma snapped at him, challenging him to say it, daring him to say her secret. She wasn’t scared. She had been through worst things and she survived. She was going to be survive this time too.</p>
<p>It was all gonna be good, one day.</p>
<p>“I think he’s just talking about the window.” Alex was starting to get really bothered at not knowing what was happening.</p>
<p>“You’re gonna be packing your bags soon, so just—just stay out of it.” Norma harshly interrupted Alex. She wanted to finish this. She had feared this exact moment he entire life and she wanted to just be over with it and to preserve a crumb of dignity.</p>
<p>“Go ahead tough guy,” she started.</p>
<p>“Come on, do what you’re gonna do.” Chick was looking at her again with the same pity look he gave her on the bridge. Norma’s eyes were fire, while Chick’s were reflecting her hurt and fear.</p>
<p>“Okay, break the woman in half.” Because that was going to happen the moment Alex would go away, she would be left with half her heart, the other half belonged forever to Alex, nothing was going to change that.</p>
<p>“But you know what? I’m not broken. I’m still standing.”</p>
<p>Norma had been neglected by her parents, raped by her own brother, her husband, a scumbag, had been abused, threatened by drug dealers and murders, her son had been kidnapped, she had been called slut, failure, train wreck, but she was still standing. She was still looking at the sky during sunny days and smiling at the beauty of life. She was not broken, and nobody had the power to break her.</p>
<p>“So go ahead, do your best, you giant, lame ASSHOLE!” Norma’s voice intensified till she shouted and spitted her words to Chick.</p>
<p>She looked at him, the fear was back, and her eyes were betraying her, silently praying him to not tell anything.</p>
<p>Chick had been motionless during her speech, but now he slowly approached her. He was moving slowly toward her, like someone would to with a scared animal.</p>
<p>Alex stepped instinctively near Norma, not knowing what the hell was happening, but ready to protect her with all his strength.</p>
<p>Norma’s heart ached at this simple, little, spontaneous gesture. She loved that he was ready to fight for her, no matter what. This was going to finish soon, though.</p>
<p>Then, she looked back at Chick. She noted his eyes and before he could do anything, a sense of protection washed all over her. Chick looked at her and she felt understood, maybe for the first time in her life. She realized he had never made her feel judged for what she had done. He had just tried to get some justice for himself and while he approached her and kissed her on the cheek, she finally understood that he was not going to hurt her, he was not going to tell a thing. After everything that happened, Chick had decided to protect her.</p>
<p>Chick looked at Norma for a last second before approaching Alex to ask him to mail him a check. In that last glance Chick tried to tell Norma how sorry he was, for everything.</p>
<p>Norma was astonished, she looked at Chick while he exited her house and couldn’t say a word. Her brain cells weren’t connecting. She had always been ready to fight, life never taught her otherwise. She wasn’t prepared for compassion and sympathy. She didn’t know what to do or how to act in this type of situation.</p>
<p>Her arms, so well crossed in front of her, loosened the grip and she slowly pressed them against her chest in a weak attempt to hug and comfort herself.</p>
<p>Nobody had ever been nice to her before Alex, let alone a stranger who had no reasons to help her.</p>
<p>Alex closed the door of the house after Chick went away and moved toward Norma.</p>
<p>“What the hell?” he was confused and surprised by her speech.</p>
<p>“What the hell? What was that?” he asked impatient.</p>
<p>Norma looked at him. There was no way out, or maybe there was. She could invent some absurd story and Alex would believe her because he knew that madness followed her like a shadow. But what was the point? Did she really want to lie to him? Again? When would this finish? This secret had followed her since she was 13 and had never left her alone. She couldn’t run again. She was tired of running and she was tired of lying to the person she loved. She had to be sincere. Alex meant so much to her, she owed that to him.</p>
<p>She looked away from him briefly, realization washing over her: she was going to reveal her past to him.</p>
<p>“What?” insisted Alex, his voice was lower now.</p>
<p>There was no way out this time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Secret's out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Writing this chapter has been very hard. It's my favourite scene in the whole show and I hope I've given it justice. Vera's performance is simply mindblowing here, I could talk about it for hours!<br/>Also, I'll try and update more often since I'm almost finished with the exam session (which has been torture). I'll try to post a chapter every week =)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“When I was, um, a teenager—it was a long time ago—um…”</p>
<p>Norma was struggling to find the words. She didn’t want to make it sound more awful than it already was, but then again, there was no way to embellish it. It was what it was.</p>
<p>She was avoiding Alex’s look. She didn’t want to witness the moment the light in his eyes dimmed. Norma took a long breath. She couldn’t run anymore.</p>
<p>“I slept with my brother.”</p>
<p>There it was, out in the open. There was no hiding now, not anymore.</p>
<p>She was so sorry, sorry because she made a mistake years ago, sorry because she had lied to Alex, sorry because she couldn’t hide, sorry because she had just destroyed both their happiness.</p>
<p>She was so sorry, but she needed to get it all out. </p>
<p>“He’s Dylan’s father.”</p>
<p>And just after that, she had the courage to look at him in the eyes.</p>
<p>Alex had a quick think, trying to process everything she had told him.</p>
<p>“The guy I had dinner with?” he asked.</p>
<p>Norma confirmed, remembering that evening. She was so happy then, she had everyone she had ever loved under the same roof. She had her sons, her reason to be; she had Emma, the girl she cared for like a daughter; she had Caleb, her brother, her first love, her first abuser; and then she had Alex, the man that had always protected her, her best friend, the guy she started to have feelings for. That night had been perfect, everything she had always dreamed since she was a little girl. She wanted a house in which she could feel safe and in which she could protect the people she loved. That evening was such a loving memory, and she was now tainting it realizing she had dinner with both her future husband and the man she never should have loved.</p>
<p>“Nor—Norma you were young. It—it was a mistake.”</p>
<p>She laughed internally. It was easy to look at it that way, to assume that Caleb was the bad guy, that she was young and naïve, but the truth was that she had been very invested into their relationship. She had loved Caleb with such intensity, her heart ached every time she thought of it. Caleb had been her first love, her life depended totally on him at the time. She woke up in the morning just because he gave her a reason to do it. Their home was torture and they were all they had.</p>
<p>Norma tried to explain it all to Alex. She told him that it hasn’t been a mistake, that it was their life, that it happened for years.</p>
<p>“I loved him.” Norma admitted, more to herself than to Alex.</p>
<p>It was hard for her to say it out loud. It brought her memories of all the times she told Caleb. Caleb wasn’t the bad guy, at least not at the beginning. They were both victims of life, they tried to survive with what they had.</p>
<p>And they had only themselves.</p>
<p>Norma tried to explain it to Alex, but the complexity of their relationship was hard to describe, even to herself.</p>
<p>Norma needed to take it all out, at this point, it was more for herself than for Alex. She wanted to tell it all to someone and the only one she trusted was Alex.</p>
<p>“I finally tried to stop it, and, um, he got really upset and he raped me.”</p>
<p>Norma remembered that day like it happened two hours before. They were in their crappy, dirty house alone and Caleb tried to start something with her. She remembered her speech crystal clear. She told him that they were brother and sister and that what they were doing was sick and wrong. She didn’t want to do it anymore. So, Caleb forced her down on the sofa and forced himself on her. She lived that experience as she was out of her body. She remembers nothing of what happened after he pushed her down on the dusty sofa. The psychological hurt she felt was stronger than the physical one. That was the first time Norma lost faith in the world. That was the first time the evil tiny voice made her appearance inside her head. Norma stopped to feel protected and she started to feel like she was wrong. Norma felt something broken inside of her, her heart and her soul were destroyed. She felt lost.</p>
<p>That was the moment she lost her innocence.</p>
<p>Norma drove away her thoughts. She didn’t want to think about it again, to give it more importance than she already gave it. She looked at Alex, he had been silent since she started to explain her past. She wondered what he was thinking. She wanted to be sure that he understood all her story before he, inevitably, left her.</p>
<p>“You know how horrible it is to be raped by someone you love?” Norma added in a whisper.</p>
<p>It’s heartbreaking. It’s like the world is coming to an end. It’s like you had a home and then you don’t anymore. It’s like your voice is taken away from you. It’s like you are alive and then you feel dead.</p>
<p>Norma sniffled, feeling the tears wetting her eyes once again.</p>
<p>Norma was like a stream, she couldn’t stop herself now. She explained Alex how much she hated Caleb for what he had done, but how she could not hurt him because she didn’t hate him enough. Unfortunately, she was still in love with that naïve, innocent part of her brother that had helped her during lots of dark moments. She loved a version of her brother that now existed only in her head. And she hated herself for giving Caleb so much power over her life. She hated herself for what she let herself became because of him, and she told Alex all of this. She opened her heart and revealed to him a part of herself she hated, a part of herself that she kept hidden all those years.</p>
<p>“All in a day’s work.” Said Norma in between sniffles.</p>
<p>She tried to lighten the mood, but there was nothing to lighten. She had just opened herself up and revealed the darkest secrets of her past. She relived some of the most scary and dark moments of her life and she could no nothing to embellish them. They were painful, dark, awful and wrong. She let Alex see her real and complete self for the first time. It was also the first time she let someone enter her protection walls like this, no barriers, just complete freedom in her life. She was naked in front of him, for the first time in her life she didn’t have to hide herself, she didn’t have to run away. Although, go and hide was the only thing Norma wanted to do now.</p>
<p>Alex kept looking at her, there was no judgement in his look, no sign of anger, disdain or repugnance. He was listening to her, not making a sound, letting her no clue on what his thoughts were.</p>
<p>Norma explained to him that he was the only person she had ever trusted and loved enough to reveal her past to. She wanted to make sure he knew how much she loved him and how deeply she cared for him. He was the only living soul that knew about her past, that really knew what happened between her and her brother. Norma wanted him to know that she would have been more sincere had she known how important he would have been in her life, she wanted to let him know that she was deeply sorry for lying.</p>
<p>Norma told him how much she wanted to hide. She wanted to hide from her past, from herself, form her story. Sometimes she just wished she was another person, someone who had a great upgrowing, someone who was loved since day one. Maybe things would have been different, easier. Or maybe she was destined to live in a world in which not a single soul cared about her, a world in which she was invisible. Well, at least until Alex entered her life.</p>
<p>Norma explained how Chick found out about her and Caleb and how he would have used this information to blackmail her. The last thing she wanted was to humiliate Alex in front of the entire town. He didn’t deserve it. She didn’t want to cause him any sort of pain. He had brought so much joy and love in her life, the last thing she wanted was to repay him by causing him pain and embarrassment. She loved him.</p>
<p>“So-so, I don’t know.” Norma didn’t know what to tell him anymore. She had been a forceful river of information till now, but she had finished her story and, even if it was confusing, she had tried her best to put all the information out there. Norma told him everything, the whole story, from her point of view. And now that it was over, she felt exposed. She knew it was a matter of seconds before he left her and run away from her. She didn’t know what else to add. There were no excuses, no ways to twist the story in her favor. It was the pure, cruel truth. </p>
<p>Alex had been static during her speech and she knew it was just because he must have been surprised and shocked by her story. She thought she could hear the noise of his heart breaking.</p>
<p>“I don’t know.” She repeated.</p>
<p>“Just go pack your bag.” She added, to let him know that she was finished. Honestly, she was surprised he had stayed to hear the whole story and didn’t run away at the start, but Norma knew it was just because of the shock.</p>
<p>Alex looked at her, scanned her from head to toe. That’s it, she thought. The moment she feared since this whole story with Chick started. The moment of judgement, the moment of being left alone.</p>
<p>“Okay.” He said after some seconds of silence. </p>
<p><em>Okay.</em> </p>
<p>Norma’s face fell, her heart stopped beating. It was over. She had been right, she was never gonna be good in marriages. She had screw up this time too, even when Alex explicitly asked her not to screw up just that morning. She was a mess and she didn’t deserve someone so good, gentle and caring like Alex. She probably deserved someone like Sam or Caleb.</p>
<p>Norma looked at Alex, her eyes apologizing yet another time.</p>
<p>Alex was calm, she could hear the cells of his brain working, debating and deciding.</p>
<p>“Where we going?”</p>
<p>Norma looked at him, it took her a second to realize the message of his words. She took such a big breath, it seemed she had starting to breathe again just after his words. </p>
<p>Norma started to sob, she couldn’t keep holding back the tears anymore.</p>
<p>Norma’s feet started to work again, and she slowly dashed into Alex’s arms. Her movements were slow both because she didn’t know if her body was going to respond to the commands and because she wanted to be sure she heard Alex correctly. When he put his arms around her, she was sure he had accepted her for what she was.</p>
<p>They both clung at the other like it was life itself. Norma cried, suppressing her sobs into Alex’s shoulder. Alex caressed her hairs and closed his eyes. He was drinking from the life spring that Norma was, at least for him.</p>
<p>Norma couldn’t believe what had happened. She was sure she was dreaming somehow, that this was just an illusion created by her mind to cope with the abandonment of Alex. </p>
<p>She had opened herself to the man she loved, and he didn’t run away, he didn’t get scared, but he accepted her. He loved her for what she was. He accepted her for what she was. She didn’t have to pretend to be another person, to be nice, polished or educated. She could be herself and be loved for that. It was all so new that Norma felt her head spin. </p>
<p>They both had a terrible past and they both had made huge mistakes during their lives, but they loved each other nevertheless.</p>
<p>Norma couldn’t love someone more. She was now sure that Alex was the love of her life, and she would never let go of him.</p>
<p>Norma held him tightly, like her life depended on that, and Alex did the same.</p>
<p>Two lost and lonely souls that finally, after years of sufferings, found each other.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. You are the sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for all the support! I'm not good in writing smut, but if you like this chapter, I might consider to insert more similiar stuff. Let me know what you think =)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma was clinging to Alex like her life depended on it. He was her safe harbor, she had finally found her place, her home and that, was Alex. In his arms, she felt safe. And she made sure to express all her love whispering into Alex’s ears.</p>
<p>“I love you, I love you.” She repeated like a mantra. Norma’s arms tightened the hold on Alex, letting no space between the two. Their bodies were pressed in each other. It was like Norma was trying with all her strength to melt their bodies and became one person.</p>
<p>Alex was whispering to her that everything was fine, that he was there and would never leave her. His voice was calm, and his hands were gently caressing her hair and back. He was trying to calm her and to let her know that he would never leave her.</p>
<p>Norma couldn’t believe that he was still standing in front of her and that she was in his arms. She wanted to scream, jump, run through the house because of the joy she was feeling. She had won.</p>
<p>It was so simple and beautiful.</p>
<p>She had won the never-ending game against life that she had started since she had been a kid.</p>
<p>Norma was so happy, just simply happy.</p>
<p>After a while Norma’s breath slowed down, her tears stopped, and she regained her calm.</p>
<p>Norma slowly pushed away from Alex, just enough to look at him. She smiled to him, a genuine smile. She wanted to tell him the world, but her lips were frozen. So, instead of telling him, she showed him.</p>
<p>Norma gently pressed her lips on Alex’s. it was just lip against lip. They enjoyed the feeling before deepening the kiss. Norma was the first to move her lips and asking Alex for more. The feeling of his lips against hers gave her goosebumps all over her body and an electric jolt spread from their kiss and passed through her spine, making her moan in his mouth.</p>
<p>Alex responded to her moan tying his arms around her with vigor and letting his hands wander south till they reached her butt and squeezed it.</p>
<p>Their kiss became passionate and Norma started to pull at Alex jacket to let it fall on the ground.</p>
<p>Their dinner was soon forgotten, as Alex took Norma in his arms and began to climb up the stairs to bring her in their bedroom, like he did the first time they made love.</p>
<p>Their mouth never got too distant, their breath tangling and mixing while they undressed themselves.</p>
<p>Their movements were slow and solemn, Alex took Norma’s dress out kissing and touching every revealed piece of skin. Norma undressed Alex without moving her eyes from his. She looked at him with such pure love that he felt completely overwhelmed by it. Alex was looking at her wife and she was perfection. Norma was looking at her husband with pure bliss.</p>
<p>He made her shine, and she made him glow.</p>
<p>They wanted to take their time, to enjoy the other one, to immerge themselves in the moment. In that perfect moment.</p>
<p>Once they were completely naked Noma took Alex’s hand and directed them toward the bed, on which she lied down, bringing Alex down with her. </p>
<p>Alex was on top of her, motionless, taken aback by her beauty.</p>
<p>Norma was laying on the bed, her blonde curls were spread on the cushion, her lips moved in a smile, her eyes were so blue, deep and bright, that Alex lost himself in them. She was a goddess.</p>
<p>Norma felt Alex’s body pressing on hers, she felt his weight on her. He was smiling, showing his white tooth. His hazel eyes were glowing, and they were looking at her with such sweetness and love, that Norma felt her heart skip a beat and her breath caught up in her throat. She felt so lucky to have him, she felt so loved, so protected and happy. She had never felt this way. She looked in his eyes and her stomach flipped, she could hear her breath accelerate and her mind numbing.</p>
<p>So, that is what it feels being in love with someone.</p>
<p>She had never felt that way for someone and it was scary, but also exciting and liberating. She was floating free.</p>
<p>Alex gently moved a lock of hair from her face. It was the first time a man raised his hand and she didn’t fear that it would leave a red mark on her cheek. She felt the tears threatening to escape again, but she took a big breath and calmed herself, diving away every dark thought and enjoying Alex’s touch on her skin.</p>
<p>Alex noted the change in her mood and tried to gently pull away from her. Norma didn’t let him move of an inch. She couldn’t talk but pressed her hand on his cheek and tried to tell him everything she wanted to tell him through her eyes. She tried to tell him that everything was fine and that she had never loved anyone like him.</p>
<p>She moved her face toward his and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips.</p>
<p>“I love you so much.” She stated in his mouth.</p>
<p>“I love you so much.” He parroted her word. His tone was so solemn that Norma felt a punch right in her guts.</p>
<p>After a last glance Alex, finally positioned himself between her legs and started to move. </p>
<p>The feeling was so ecstatic and beautiful. It was different from the other times they had made love. Alex was painfully slow, and the intensity was bigger. She had never felt something like that. It was pure bliss and pure pain at the same. It felt like dying and coming back. A rush of ecstasy moved though her body to end up in his.</p>
<p>They were one thing.</p>
<p>They moved with the same rhythm, the were on the same path.</p>
<p>The room was filled with sweet words, gasps and pants.</p>
<p>Norma reached the climax and, a few seconds after, Alex followed her.</p>
<p>Norma couldn’t find the word to express the feeling of pleasure that exploded from her gut and expanded through her body. It took her some seconds to regain her normal breath and to understand where she was.</p>
<p>After her climax Alex rested motionless on top of Norma, his face was buried in the crook of her neck while Norma caressed his hair.</p>
<p>Alex moved near her, without untangling their bodies. They were entwined in a hug and they didn’t want to let go of the other. Norma rubber her nose against his before giving him a quick peck on the lips. Then, she rested her head on the pillow and fell slowly asleep in his arms.</p>
<p>Norma woke up the morning after in the same exact position. Her body was tangled with Alex’s, her arms were around him and the fingers of his right hand were gently intertwined in her blonde curls, that were now ruffled.</p>
<p>Norma looked at Alex closely. He was still asleep, and his breath was slow. Norma looked at his beautiful face, he was so handsome and, in his sleep, looked like a Greek statue. Norma’s mind travelled to the previous evening, to her speech about her past and to Alex’s acceptance of who she was. She thought at how amazing and magic their love-making had been, at how his hands felt on her skin, at the fire that his lips induced on hers, at how sweet and lovely he had been and at how deep, intense and profound her orgasm had been. She almost blushed at the memory.</p>
<p>Norma had never felt like this with someone else. She had never felt so beautiful, so confident, so comfortable in her body. She didn’t have to hide anymore, For the first time in her life she had the proof that the little voice in her head that had always told her that she wasn’t enough, that she was a disappointment, that her work was insignificant, had been wrong for all those years.</p>
<p>She was enough, she deserved happiness, she deserved love. And all the hard work had brought her right there in that moment, in the arms of a man that didn’t feared her past, that wasn’t even disgusted by it. A man that loved her and her flaws. A man she didn’t have to lie to or hide from.</p>
<p>Norma felt so lucky to have found such a man. She looked at all the bad things that happened to her since she moved to this town and she couldn’t help but look at them with new eyes. If she never moved to White Pine Bay, she would have never met Alex. So, she was grateful for the path that brought her in that exact moment. She was grateful to all the terrible experience because they brought her in Alex’s arms. It was a complicated and twisted way of thinking, but it was morning, she had to yet drink her coffee and she was still recovering from the previous night.</p>
<p>Norma remembered the last time she felt so happy and free. It was after Norman’s birth, the first time she looked at him and he looked at her. She was in such pain, but she looked at her son and thought that life had given her a second chance. She felt so lucky, and she felt an intense love that overwhelmed her. She looked at Norman and thought that he was the most pure and innocent soul, that she could start over, Norma thought in that moment that life couldn’t be so awful, when such pure creatures existed. It all went to hell, and she succeeded to ruin him too, to taint his purity with her imperfections and mistakes.</p>
<p>Her mind wandered to her son, her sweet little baby that was now shut un a mental institution. She sighed heavily. How was it possible that she could ruin one of the best moments in her life with her thoughts? Her mind was a river, always active, never silent. Her thoughts could start with positivity and always end up in dark places. She had the ability to always worry and insult herself for whoever knows the reason. It was hard for her to just be in the moment and enjoy it, she had to ruin it by thinking.</p>
<p>She stopped the flow of her mind, shutting it down brutally. She didn’t want to taint this moment. She was happy, happier than she ever did. And she was in the safe arms of the love of her life.</p>
<p>She breathed deeply in his scent and closed her eyes. She let herself float free. It was so beautiful to just let go, to feel instead of think.</p>
<p>She relaxed completely and focused on the pressure that Alex’s arms had on her skin, on the feelings of his fingers in her hair, on the rhythm of his breath and on the scent that was in the air, a mix of afterglow, manhood and freedom.</p>
<p>She let her body relax and slowly dozed off, cradle by the realization of being finally happy and thoughtless.</p>
<p>Norma woke up a couple of hours later because of the feeling of pleasure arising in her body. She opened her eyes to find that Alex was sweetly kissing her neck. She responded at the attack on her neck with a sounded moan. She woke up completely when Alex pressed his naked chest on hers. His body hair was rubbing on her nipples, originating an amazing feeling.</p>
<p>Norma lifted her leg and positioned it around Alex. They started to kiss passionately, their hands were everywhere, grabbing, touching and rubbing.</p>
<p>They restarted from where they had left the previous night. Their movements were a little bit faster this time and desire prevailed tenderness.</p>
<p>Waves of pleasure rushed through Norma’s body. Alex’s movement were getting faster and faster and she responded following his rhythm with the movement of her hips.</p>
<p>Alex pinned Norma’s hands on the pillow above her head and Norma felt a rush of adrenaline running from her hands to her legs. The pleasure was so intense that Norma’s legs started to shake and to move like they had a life of their own. Norma’s moans and gasps resonated in the room. Alex intertwined his finger with hers, loosening the grip on Norma’s hands before they both peaked.</p>
<p>Norma opened her mouth in a silent scream and Alex followed her in the same silent way.</p>
<p>Norma opened her eyes to find Alex’s hazel eyes looking right at her soul. He was smiling and rubbing his nose on hers. The moment was so intense and overwhelming that she felt the need to end it before she would evaporate.</p>
<p>“Good morning.” Said Norma in a bright, happy tone.</p>
<p>Alex chuckled.</p>
<p>“Very good morning.”</p>
<p>And they laughed together, hidden in their little corner of happiness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Reality vs. happiness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This story is now longer than my bachelor dissertation. I'm kinda proud :)<br/>Enjoy the chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma was glowing. She couldn’t believe how happy she was. She was almost ashamed at how much she was smiling. She felt Alex’s hands on her hips and his lips on her neck. The zip of her dress was up, but Alex didn’t’ seemed to want to let go of her already. Norma smiled at him through the reflection of the mirror.</p>
<p>“I’ll start the coffee.” Said Alex, before finally letting go of his wife. </p>
<p>Norma stared at Alex through the mirror, watching him leave the room, when her glance directed to the door of the adjoining room. Norman’s room. Norma was drawn to it like a magnet. She opened the door and looked through the empty room.</p>
<p>She missed Norman deeply. She wished to talk to him, to tell him how happy she was and how she could finally imagine a happy and radiant future for both. She wished her son was healthy, she wished she could tell him about Alex without fearing the worst.</p>
<p>She wished a lot of things.</p>
<p>Well, things weren’t like she wished, they had never been.</p>
<p>Norma closed the door resolutely. She wanted, yet again, to ignore the problem, to push it in a little, dark corner of her mind. Truth was, she couldn’t admit to herself that she had failed as a parent. First with Dylan, involuntarily blaming him for the sins of his father, pushing him away from her and forcing him to become adult way before the time. Secondly with Norman, keeping him so tightly to her to not let him breathe on his own, ignoring his mental problems and having to have him committed in a mental facility. She always thought of herself as a caring and loving parent, but the truth was that she was a terrible mother and that she had ruined the only beautiful things that had happened in her life.</p>
<p>Norma’s head span for a second and she had to stabilize herself placing a hand on the handrail of the stairs.</p>
<p>She wanted to be better for her sons, she wanted to be a better mom.</p>
<p>Norma looked at her house from the stairs. She remembered the first time she showed it to Norman. She had so many plans at the time, both for the house and for her family. She wanted to improve the place and make it shine through the vitality of her hopes. Unfortunately, life got in the way.</p>
<p>She was going to make the house better, she decided. She wanted to make improvements and to make it shine like she had always wanted to. Norma was going to do this for Norman, so when he would come back home, he would come home to a better place, a nice, comforting, shining place where they could both start over.</p>
<p>Norma found her happiness back. She had a plan, a starter point. She was smiling again. She couldn’t afford to do radical changes, but she remembered she had a sewing machine in the basement. She could sew some curtains and begin from there.</p>
<p>It was a small thing, but it was a start.</p>
<p>Norma ignored Alex in the kitchen and went right into the basement. She found the sewing machine and placed it on the table to look if it could still work.</p>
<p>She was examining the machine when Alex joined her in the basement. He was curious about what she was doing. </p>
<p>Norma quickly told him about her plans and how she had thought of renewing the place since she showed the house to Norman. Alex noted her dreamy and shining eyes while she told him about it.</p>
<p>“Well, we could do that. I’ll help you.” Alex would have done everything to make her smile like that. He couldn’t sew, but he would gladly buy some fruit trees for her. He would do anything for her.</p>
<p>Alex told Norma to pick some fruit trees before giving her a quick peck on the lips and head off to work.</p>
<p>“Alex?” Norma called him before he could get on top of the stairs and exit the basement. She had no money to spend on house improvements and sure as hell she didn’t tell Alex all of that just to make him spend money on it. She had just wanted to share with him some of the things she had always wanted to do since the day she entered the beautiful house. She had wanted to share her plans and how happy having and actual plan made her feel. Norma intent wasn’t to make him pay for everything she wanted. She was broke and she revealed him that.</p>
<p>Norma felt stupid and embarrassed to have to tell him that she was broke, but she wanted to be honest with him and this meant telling him even her financial status.</p>
<p>Norma told him how she thought she had given up on the house and how she intended to fix it one step at a time. She felt sad thinking at how full of hope she had been that first day on the house, at how cheerful she had been. She had big plans in her mind and the only thing she wanted to do was to share them with Norman, the only person she trusted in the world. Norma felt a sharp pain remembering all of that and knowing how bad things got since she moved in that house. She was now sharing all her happiness with Alex and, while it was one of the best things in her life, to finally have a partner she could trust, she felt a little guilty towards Norman. He was away from her and she was there, telling all their secretes, all her plans and hopes to Alex. She couldn’t help it. Norma knew it was normal to share feelings and thoughts with one’s partner, but since now she had only relied on Norman and she had, wrongly, considered him to be her only friend. Norma felt like she had given up on her son too, just as she had given up on the house. She wanted to fix it all, but not everything could be fixed. </p>
<p>Norma’s attention was brought back into the room when Alex rapidly went to a corner of the room, took a big black bag and placed it on the table, near the sewing machine.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” asked Norma confused.</p>
<p>“Remember that day I told you I was hiding a bunch of money down here?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Norma laughed at the memory. She thought the joke was very funny. It was one of the first days Alex had come to live with her. She remembered every minute with detailed accuracy. She was so nervous at the time, but also excited to have Alex under the same roof as her. They had made a lot of progress since then and she could only think at that first days with a loving smile.</p>
<p>“Well, I actually was.” Added Alex.</p>
<p>Norma started to laugh even more. He was making fun of her, maybe he wanted to lighten her mood and not let her worry too much about her financial situation.</p>
<p>“Open it.” He said simply.</p>
<p>When Norma opened the bag, her smile disappeared, and a worry expression took its place. The bag was full of cash.</p>
<p>“Where did you get this?”</p>
<p>“It was Bob Paris’ getaway cash.”</p>
<p>Norma pulled herself a step away from the bag and froze. She didn’t even want to look at the money. Just hearing Bob Paris’ name gave her a shiver on her spine. She didn’t want to have nothing to do with him, and that meant she didn’t even want his money.</p>
<p>Norma told Alex that, but he stopped her and started to tell her how she should take the money and put them back into the world through her hands, how it would help him because he had no idea what to do with it.</p>
<p>Alex told her she deserved some good breaks, some positive karma.</p>
<p>Norma could only agree. She deserved to be happy and not to worry about money on top of everything. This town had given her nothing but problems and sadness. She deserved some happiness after all she had been through.</p>
<p>Norma looked at Alex. He had that loving stare that made her heart ache every single time. She couldn’t say no to him.</p>
<p>Norma stretched her arm and took him into a tight hug. Alex, as usual, hung to her like his life depended on it.</p>
<p>“I wish we could just erase all the bad things that have happened.</p>
<p>Norma was so grateful to Alex. She loved him so much she couldn’t even express it into words. So, she started to kiss him lightly on the lips.</p>
<p>“Okay what jerk invented the phone?” said Alex before pulling away from her gently.</p>
<p>Norma didn’t even hear the phone ringing, she was too immerged in her happiness and in Alex’s smell.</p>
<p>Norma followed Alex in the kitchen. She entered just in time to hear Alex say her son’s name.</p>
<p>“Uh, yeah, she’s right here, Norman.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Norman</em>
</p>
<p>‘Fuck’ she thought just before taking the receiver.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Home sick</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He’s coming home.”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” asked Alex.</p>
<p>“He’s coming home.” Repeated Norma, almost mechanically. She still had the receiver in her hand, she was frozen into place. She couldn’t move and, for a second, she forgot how to breathe. Her eyes were staring at the void and her brain was trying, with very much difficulty, to process the new information.</p>
<p>Alex approached her gently and took the receiver from her hand to put it back in place on the wall. He tried to caress Norma’s shoulder, but she moved away from him. Just now, Norma seemed to acknowledge his presence in the room, and she looked upwards to face him.</p>
<p>“I won’t let him.” She said abruptly, as if he was going to leave her right there and then. As if he had never known she had a son and now the mere idea of having Norman in the house with them would push him away and force him to leave her.</p>
<p>Norma felt a rush of pain go through her body at the realization that she had really thought for a second that the presence of her son was going to destroy her relationship with Alex, that Alex could think of Norman as a burden and that, in doing so, she herself had considered Norman a burden and have had no hesitation in deciding that she would not allow her own son to come back home.</p>
<p>Norma looked at Alex, who was looking at her with a puzzled face, trying to understand what her thoughts could possibly be.</p>
<p>Norma suppressed a sob and Alex’s heart skipped a beat.</p>
<p>“Hey, hey,” Alex began, “It’s all gonna be fine.” And with that he tried to approach her one more time, but Norma avoided his comforting touch again.</p>
<p>“I just need a moment.” Was the only thing she managed to say before storming out of the kitchen.</p>
<p>Alex gave Norma her space, knowing she needed to process everything on her own before he could do anything to comfort her. Yes, comfort her. Because the only thing he wanted to do was to make her feel happy and to relieve her worries. He didn’t care about Norman or how difficult living with him could be. Sure, he had his opinions on Norman’s mental problems and recovery, but the only thing he really cared for was for Norma to be happy. And when it came to Norman, she couldn’t think clear.</p>
<p>Norma rushed out of the kitchen not really knowing where to go or what to do. Her legs didn’t stop until she was out the house, but on the porch stairs her legs started to tremble, ceding at the end. Norma collapsed on the steps and hold her head between her hands. She took a deep breath and let the fresh air cool her mind.</p>
<p>She couldn’t think straight, she was so confused, and she had conflicting feelings about her son coming back home.</p>
<p>Her first thought was that she was going to lose Alex and that was simply ridiculous but, subconsciously, she had seen in the return of her son a threat to her relationship and have had no hesitation in deciding she wouldn’t allow Norman to come back. For this thought, that passed through her mind for just a couple of seconds, she felt incredibly guilty. She loved her sons before anyone else, Alex included, and she couldn’t believe she would have been ready to let her sweet boy rot in a mental institution just to preserve her relationship. She knew she was a bad mother, but this was too much. She hated herself for thinking of putting her love relationship before the well-being of her son.</p>
<p>She felt horrible.</p>
<p>And, on the other side, her second, spontaneous thought, was of happiness. She missed Norman and she really wanted him by her side. She wanted to share this new happiness with him, and she wanted him to be happy, with her.</p>
<p>Norma knew deep down that this could never happen. Her son would never accept Alex in their lives and that was a problem she would, sooner or later, have the courage to face.</p>
<p>She would rationally choose her son, always, no doubt about it. But, unconsciously, Norma knew she would regret this for the rest of her life. It was a Shakespearian dilemma. The love of her life or her son.</p>
<p>Norma took another breath and looked up at the sky. It was hell blue and a few white clouds were floating in its vastity.</p>
<p>Maybe Norman would understand it, she thought with a slight hint of positivity. Maybe he would see how happy Norma was and wouldn’t want to get in the middle <br/>of it.</p>
<p>Maybe…</p>
<p>Or maybe she was really doomed in the end.</p>
<p>Norma resolute attitude kicked back in. She was going to face this one step at a time, as usual.</p>
<p>First things first. She thought with lucidity at her son’s recovery and she decided he was not ready yet to come home. He had made progresses, yes, but she couldn’t forget how scared she had been that last night, when he clearly tried to kill her before killing himself. She hadn’t yet thought about that night, the denying trait of her personality had prevailed and, even now, she tried to avoid thinking about it for too much. Although, the fear was still there, attached to her soul with a firm grip. No, Norman couldn’t be ready to come home.</p>
<p>Norma decided to go visit him the next day to knock some sense into him. After all, she had always had an influence on him. She was sure she could convince him to stay at Pineview a little longer. Maybe she could talk to doctor Edwards and ask him for some tips. Plus, she didn’t really believe him when Norman told her he could leave whenever he wanted, there had to be procedure or something like that.</p>
<p>Right?</p>
<p>Norma got up from the steps and adjusted her dress. She smiled remembering how her morning begun, at how sweet had felt Alex’s touch on her skin and at the goosebumps that his fingers had left on her spine while they gently brushed her skin when he pulled up the zip of her dress. And how a simple call changed it all.</p>
<p>She opened the front door just to find Alex right in front of her, trying to get out.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he said softly.” Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” She shook her head lightly before crashing into his arms.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna go to Pineview tomorrow and talk some sense into him. He’s just homesick. Everything is gonna be fine, you’ll see.”</p>
<p>Norma felt slightly better in knowing she had based that decision only on Norman’s health and not because she wanted to keep staying alone with Alex. Although, she truly wanted to keep staying alone with Alex. She was being very selfish, but she couldn’t help it. Norma had never been this happy and carefree in her whole life. She just wished that things remained this happy and carefree for a bit more. Did that mean that she was a terrible person and mother?</p>
<p>She knew that one day, probably very soon, she would have to face the return of her son and his rejection of Alex, but she kept hiding the reality under a big carpet of denial, in a dark and small place of her mind. She couldn’t bring herself to think that, probably, her happiness would end soon and that she would have to face the problems of life one more time.</p>
<p>Norma decided to enjoy her present and to avoid the problems that the future would inevitably bring to her, at least for the moment. Norma decided to be happy, in the comforting and loving embrace of Alex, protected by the pains of the outside world.</p>
<p>Today, Norma Bates decided to embrace the light, serene moments of life.</p>
<p>Today, Norma Bates decided to be happy.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Doubts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>‘She checked out, she was a mess.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘She checked out, she was a mess.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘She checked out, she was a mess.’</em>
</p><p>Norma kept repeating those words in her head like a mantra. Dylan’s visit distracted her from her activities, making her loose the rhythm and the will to do anything.<br/>
Norma couldn’t explain the presence of that letter in Norman’s room. What in hell would Emma’s mother letter do in Norman’s room?</p><p>Norma couldn’t explain it. Or better, she could even explain it, but she didn’t want to hear the explanation.</p><p><em>‘say it out loud, because it is gonna sound really stupid.’</em> Had said Norma to Dylan earlier, but now, she didn’t think that saying it out loud would make the truth seem less real. Norma knew that her son had a violent side, she witnessed it in first person. Her mind wandered to that last night they spent together in the house. She tried to stop the flow of her thoughts, but she couldn’t escape the event of that night again. She had to face the truth. She didn’t care if it hurt, she needed to have control on the situation and, that, meant she needed to remember and stop denying. Norman, her sweet, innocent child had tried to kill her with such coldness that had completely taken her aback. She couldn’t believe he wanted to “take them out of the equation” in first place, but the fact that he coldly calculated the whole think in advantage had broken her heart. She could tell he planned to kill her because of the gun. Norman had taken her gun before they started arguing and that meant that he felt the need to protect himself from her, or that he wanted to end it all. In both scenarios her heart broke into million pieces at the memory. </p><p>Norma remembered the fear, the disappointment and the sadness she felt the moment Norman pointed the gun at her. Her whole world stopped moving and collapsed on her. Time stopped and the weight of the truth crashed on her with such intensity that her lungs stopped, as if they forgot how to breathe.</p><p>Her mind had gone totally blank from that moment, she barely remembered shutting herself in Dylan’s room and calling Alex. Probably her survival nature kicked in instinctively because Norma remembered feeling completely dead. The pain had been so unbearable and excruciating that she stopped feeling anything.</p><p>She remembered taking a pair of scissors for protection, as if she could really hurt her son with them, and going down into the basement.</p><p>Norma remembered Norman speech with such lucidity that she had to stop her thoughts for a second to avoid being overwhelmed by her feelings. Norma took a big breath and looked at the surrounding room. Norman’s room.</p><p>Norma was sure that she could have died that night, hadn’t Alex come in time. Her son would have killed her. So, that is why she was now trying to convince herself that Emma’s mom had checked out. She knew that it was in the realm of possibility that Norman could have killed her and, if they had been staying in a room, alone, she had no doubt he would have been capable of such awful action.</p><p>But she checked out. She checked out. Out.</p><p>Norma stopped her thoughts. There was no reason why she should be there and cry on spilled milk. If Norman had really done that, then he should be in a mental institution and that was where he was right now, so there was nothing more to do. And of course, Norma wouldn’t let him get out of there until she could be sure that her son wouldn’t hurt anyone else.</p><p>Norma got up and cleaned up the mess she had made in Norman’s room and in the kitchen. She tasted the jam she had made, and her first thought was that she wanted Alex to try it and tell her what he thought of it. It was such a silly thought, but her mind couldn’t stop wandering to Alex. Some time she hated how dependent she had become on Alex. It wasn’t like she couldn’t face her life without him. She had always done everything on her own and, after all this time, she had become used to it. The fact was that she didn’t <em>want</em> to do it anymore. She liked having someone she could count on, someone to talk to, to laugh with, to share her burden with. She was interested in his opinions and thoughts and they even meant a lot to her.</p><p>But why couldn’t she ask Alex for advices when it came to Norman? Every time Norman was brought up, she closed herself, she didn’t want to hear Alex’s opinion, she didn’t even want to be comforted by him. Why? Norma couldn’t answer.</p><p>Maybe it was because Norma felt that, in some toxic and unhealthy way, she was betraying Norman by being happy with Alex. She didn’t know how to explain it but taking her happiness from someone who wasn’t Norman made her feel incredibly guilty. She had, in all means, acted behind his back and married Alex and with that simple act she had let someone else enter her life and her heart, betraying everything she had always said to Norman.</p><p>
  <em>“It’s you and me. It’s always been you and me.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“we are solid. We love each other.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You are my whole world.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“This is the only thing that’s real. You and me.”</em>
</p><p>Norma realized, maybe for the first time, that everything she had ever said to Norman about their relationship was a lie. That she should have let people enter their lives, that she shouldn’t have kept people at arm length. But she had never trusted someone enough, everyone she had ever trusted in the past had disappointed her, had hurt her and she didn’t want her child to suffer like she had. Norma made her best, she tried to give her son the best life possible, to hide him in a bubble and keep him safe. She realized now that it was a big mistake and that she had probably contributed to Norman’s mental problems. She was serious when she told Norman that they were the only real thing, she would had never believed that one day she would have met someone like Alex.</p><p>Her Alex.</p><p>Norma couldn’t contain the smile that formed on her lips at the mere thought of her husband.</p><p>Alex had proved her wrong from day one, he had always protected her and helped her, not to mention loved her for what she was. Alex had entered her life and overturn all her belief about life. He managed to enter her thick walls of protections and now she couldn’t even think of a life without him.</p><p>Maybe that was what being in love really is. Someone who enters your life and turn it around.</p><p>Norma took the jam and putted it in the fridge. She needed to talk to Alex about her doubts regarding Norman and his violent nature. She wanted to talk to him about her feelings too, about how guilty she felt and how difficult was for her to conciliate the love for her son with the love for him. Norma wanted to hear Alex’s opinion on everything. She was dying to know his thoughts on her complicated relation with her son.</p><p>Norma would try to listen and keep an open mind. She would listen to Alex and not scream against him in case his opinions differed from hers.</p><p>Norma nodded slightly to herself to try and convince herself to really do it. She looked at the clock, Alex would come home in a couple of hours and she had time to clean the house a bit and make dinner. She needed to keep herself busy with manual activities to prevent her mind to overthink the whole situation she was in.</p><p>Norma tidied up the living room and the kitchen. She cleaned the stove from the sticky remains of jam that had leaked from the pot. She placed some of the jars in the fridge and some on the shelf. Norma took out of the fridge all the ingredients for a chicken pot pie before placing them all back in. She couldn’t make Norman’s favorite dish without him. So, Norma opted for something different and started to cook before she could analyze the reasons why she subconsciously wanted to prepare the chicken pot pie to Alex.</p><p>Norma was halfway through the cooking process when her phone rang. She froze for a minute, remembering the call of the morning. Norma took the receiver and could swore she was hearing Norman’s voice on the other end. She was so immerged in her fantasy that she totally forgot to actually say something.</p><p>“Hello?” She finally said.</p><p>“Norma, can you hear me?” Alex’s warm and low voice went directly from the phone to Norma’s ear, having a sudden soothing effect on her.</p><p>“Yes, Alex,” she sighed relieved. “Hi.” She added simply. Her heart was still pounding in her chest and the fear of receiving a phone call from her son darkened her mood.</p><p>Alex quickly told her he couldn’t make it for dinner, that work was holding him in the police station and to not wait for him awake.</p><p>Norma was disappointed but didn’t let her frustration show through her voice. She didn’t want to make Alex feel bad just because he took his work seriously.</p><p>So, Norma ate alone and after dinner she wandered through the house, like an agitated ghost. Her feet brought her inevitably to Norman’s room. She peeked inside. Norman’s bed was perfectly made, and his weird stuffed dog was keeping watch of everything, assuring that nothing was out of order.</p><p>Norma released a weak sob before closing the door harshly. She missed her little boy too much and some time the pain of not having him there with her was unbearable. The real pain was that the man she had met at the institution and the man who wanted to kill her on that fearful night weren’t the same man she loved and cared for. It was like he was another person and Norma’s biggest fear was that she would never have her little, sweet boy back. She missed someone that was probably gone forever and, that, was what caused an unbearable pain in her heart. </p><p>She didn’t want to admit to herself that her little, nice, polite child had grown up and that he was never going to come back.</p><p>Norma sighed and went in her room. She put her pajama and got ready for bed. Then, she closed the lights and curled up in bed with a cushion hold tight between her arms. A stream of silent tears escaped her eyes and drew wet lines on her cheeks. Norma missed that sweet, sensitive part of her son and she was starting to blame herself for its disappearance. It was her fault that Norman’s past was so full of pain and darkness and it was her fault if he had never loved or trusted anyone but her. Norma had kept him so close to her that she made it difficult for him to breathe without her.</p><p>She couldn’t blame anyone but herself. She had tried to love Norman so much that her love ended to crush him.</p><p>Norma was going to fix her past mistakes, she was going to create a healthy environment for her son, so he could finally understand that the world was also full of joy and happiness. She would let him see how true and healthy her relationship with Alex was. She was going to be a right example for him, finally.</p><p>Norma’s train of thoughts was interrupted by the noise of the front door opening and closing. Alex was back home. Norma realized she should have cried for hours. Norma quickly dried her tears and turned herself in the bed so that her back was facing the entrance of the bedroom.</p><p>Norma heard her husband come inside on tiptoe, convinced that she was asleep. After a while Alex silently moved the covers and got in the bed with her. When Norma felt his arm protrude to spoon her, she turned to face him, earning a surprised face from Alex.</p><p>“You still awake?” He said with a teasing tone.</p><p>Norma smiled him, their faces were just a few inches apart.</p><p>Norma opened her mouth just to close it again right away. She wanted to talk to Alex about her worries, her doubts, her guilt, but the words froze in her mouth. She really wanted to open herself to him but couldn’t. She didn’t know what she was afraid of, the fear of knowing the truth, of confirmation, clung to her and seemed to not want to let go. She didn’t have the strength to face her husband, to admit to him all her mistakes and how she failed as a mother. She knew that Alex loved her, no matter how many mistakes she had made in the past but, somehow, she was afraid. She knew herself well and she knew that, at some point, her defensive nature would take part into the conversation and she would start making excuses for her son’s behavior. Norma’s first instinct was to defend and protect Norman. He was still her little baby in her eyes, and she couldn’t let anyone but her judge his actions. She knew she would regret asking for Alex’s opinion and that her walls would raise up so fast he wouldn’t even see them coming. After all, she had just snapped at Dylan that afternoon just because he asked some simple questions on Emma’s mom disappearance.</p><p>Norma trusted Alex with her life, but she didn’t trust him enough to talk to him about Norman.</p><p>They had been so close, she had always considered Norman her whole world. They had been so tight in their bubble that she wasn’t ready to let someone else get in with them. Their relationship was so complicated that no one else would ever understand it. She was Norman’s mother, and she was the only one who could understand their bond.</p><p>Norma’s attention came back into the room and her eyes lit up. She looked at Alex and then smiled.</p><p>“I’ve made jam today.” She said proudly.</p><p>“Of course you did.” Chuckled Alex.</p><p>“I can’t wait for you to taste it.”</p><p>“Now I’m thrilled.”</p><p>They were both laughing slightly. Their laugh filled the silence of the room.</p><p>Alex’s hands started to wander through Norma’s body under the covers and Norma’s mouth moved closer to Alex’s.</p><p>Norma took Alex’s face between her hands before kissing him lightly on the lips. She placed lots of small kisses all around his face before giving her full attention to his lips and deepening the kiss.</p><p>Alex moved them so he could be on top of her. Their lips never parted while they undress each other. His hands caressed her face before moving down and stopping on her breasts to squeeze them. Alex played with her nipples, making the fabric of her pajamas rub them. This made him earn a gasp of pleasure from Norma. Her breath started to accelerate, and faint pants of pleasure escaped her open mouth.</p><p>When Alex finally penetrated her, Norma felt a rush of pleasure and adrenaline through her body that ended up in her brain and numbed it. That was exactly what she needed right now, to shut her mind and to stop thinking about anything. Their rhythm started to speed up and they soon climaxed.</p><p>It was Alex that, now, was placing soft kisses on Norma’s face.</p><p>“I love you.” Alex whispered in her ear.</p><p>The words escaped her mouth before she could rationally think about what she was saying.</p><p>“You are my whole world.”</p><p>Norma regretted saying that immediately. Hearing those words come out of her mouth woke her up from her afterglow in a millisecond. She tensed up like a statue and avoided Alex’s eyes. He wasn’t aware of the meaning of those words if not that they meant the love of his life reciprocate his feelings. Alex gave Norma a last quick kiss before sinking in a heavy sleep.</p><p>Norma was looking at the ceiling, her glance was lost. Alex was asleep near her, his arm was around her and his face was buried in her chest.</p><p>Norma couldn’t believe she had really said those same words to Alex. It was sick, it made her feel physically sick. Maybe not even her could fully understand the relationship between herself and Norman.</p><p>She felt so guilty, Norma felt she was really betraying her son. The love for Norman was still there, but now her heart belonged to Alex too and not just to Norman. Was it possible that she could only love one person at a time? Could she really love Norman less just because she loved Alex too? Is love something that could end? Does a person have a limited amount of love that could give away before running out of it?</p><p>Norma refused to believe that. But then again, how could she explain those five words?</p><p>She looked at Alex in his sleep.</p><p>No, she thought. There’s room in the human heart for more than one person, it doesn’t diminish the love that’s already there.</p><p>Norma tried to convince herself that it was really like that, that she could love Alex and still have endless love to give to Norman. She could say that Alex was her whole world, because he was. And she could say the same thing to Norman, because it was true too. They were her whole world because she couldn’t live in a world were one of the two was not there.</p><p>Norma sighed. She was so messed up. She couldn’t believe someone would even consider <em>her</em> to be their whole world and yet there she was, loved by her sons and her husband. She didn’t deserve them. She didn’t deserve their love.</p><p>Norma came to the realization that the only wrong person in this equation was her and she felt more guilty than ever. She felt guilty towards Norman and she felt guilty towards Alex. She let him fall in love with her even if she knew what sort of mess she was. Norma wanted to give so much more to both of them, they deserved so much happiness and joy and her fear was that she couldn’t bring nothing to their life but pain.</p><p>Norma was so critical of herself and she started to hear her old inner voice telling her that she was just rubbish. Norma stopped it immediately. She knew better than to listen to that destructive part of herself. She turned her head slightly to look at Alex once again. His face was relaxed, and a hint of smile was on his lips. If Alex was so happy then she should have done something right, or he wouldn’t have stayed with her.</p><p>Why did she have to make it all more difficult than it already was by making connections were there were none?</p><p>Her brain was working at full rhythm and didn’t show sign of slowing down. She couldn’t even enjoy the after sex without overthinking every single word that escaped her mouth. Maybe she was too obsessed with the whole thing to see things that weren’t there. Maybe her brain was so used to expect the worst that it was seeing things and connections when there was nothing to worry about. </p><p>Maybe the real insane person in that house was her.</p><p>A shiver went through Norma’s body at the thought. She remembered the times Norman had accused her to be the real mentally ill person and how she had tricked him in believing he was the sick one. He had broken her heart. But maybe he wasn’t totally wrong. Maybe she needed some therapy too, maybe she needed to confront the demons of her past instead of hiding them deep down her and denying the truth.</p><p>Norma checked the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was 3 in the morning. She couldn’t keep overthinking, she was too tired to do that, but the anxiety didn’t let her relax enough to fall asleep.</p><p>Norma started to envy Alex, who was snoring near her, still clung to her.</p><p>Norma thought about the next day, when she would finally see her son again. She would need to be convincing, because she didn’t want him to come home just yet. Although, she felt so guilty that she considered for just a second letting him come home. She could work things out and made the whole Alex-Norman thing work.</p><p>No.</p><p>It wasn’t right. She couldn’t base this decision on her sense of guilt, it would be selfish. The facts were that Norman had problems so rooted that they would need some time to heal. She couldn’t let her personal feelings get in the way of her son’s recovery. Norman needed to stay at Pineview. The sweet, innocent boy needed to come back. Her child needed to come back. At that couldn’t happen in that house, with Alex and with her. Norma was resolute on her decision. She didn’t want to think about it again.</p><p>Norma looked at the clock. It was 3:30 a.m.</p><p>She closed her eyes and soon fell in an agitated sleep in which shadows of Norman and Alex interchanged and in which the words <em>“She checked out, she was a mess.”</em> resonated and echoed in the background.</p><p>Norma woke up at 8 a.m. sweaty and agitated and with a sense of oppression on her chest so heavy that her breath was accelerate in order to let the air get inside her lungs.</p><p>She was going to see Norman today.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Guilt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter was really difficult for me. I always avoid this scene because it makes me cringe and feel really angry.<br/>The only pro is Vera's acting that is, also here, spectacular. She expresses Norma's internal turmoil so clearly that this chapter is almost useless lol.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma’s heart was pounding in her chest, her breath was accelerated and her eyes wettened. Norman was on the doorway of the waiting room, motionless, staring at her with a mix of coldness, surprise and hurt. Norma couldn’t contain the emotional reaction at the sight of her child.</p>
<p>She stood up and started to walk towards him, but the happiness overwhelmed so much that she started to run with open arms, ready to enclose Norman in her safe arms. She had never been away from him for so much and she had missed him every second of every day. She barely listened to his ramblings about the fact that he couldn’t leave yet and that he would have called her when he needed her to come to pick him up. The happiness of having her baby in her arms again was overwhelming.</p>
<p>Norma looked at him. He hadn’t hug her back and this brought her feet back on the ground.</p>
<p>“I know. I know. I’m not—I’m not here to pick you up.” She assured him. To be honest, she was there to do the exact opposite. Norma tried to focus on her aim and on not let the happiness of being with her baby get in the way.</p>
<p>She looked at him, he was looking good, healthy. She was so proud of him for what he was doing, for having the courage to do what she had never had the guts to do: confront his traumas.</p>
<p>“I’m so proud of you.” She told him with a trembling voice. She was so overwhelmed. Norma wanted him to know that she was rooting for him, that she hadn’t abandoned him.</p>
<p>“I’m so proud of the work that you’re doing. But, um—” She was nervous, but she needed to start to address the issue.</p>
<p>Norma told him that she wanted him to come home too, and it was the truth, but that she thought his recovery took time and that Norman shouldn’t give up yet.</p>
<p>“We were so lucky to get you in this place.”</p>
<p>“We?”</p>
<p>Norma thought it was a weird question.</p>
<p>“We. Yeah, we. You and me, we.” She confirmed, pointing at Norman and then at <br/>herself.</p>
<p>Of course, she was talking about them, what was he thinking?</p>
<p>Norma started to walk towards the couch, where she thought she could talk to him with calm and could take her time to convince Norman to stay at Pineview. Although, she couldn’t let go of him yet, so she walked hugged to Norman. She had missed him so much, she was realizing how much just now, after seeing him again</p>
<p>“Real change takes time.” Norma thought it was going well. Norman wasn’t arguing with her and was listening carefully to everything she had to say.</p>
<p>“All right? That makes sense, doesn’t it?” She finished her speech.</p>
<p>“It does.” Norman agreed with her.</p>
<p>Norma felt a sense of relief wash over her. Maybe it was easier than she thought it would be. Maybe her sweet boy was really returning.</p>
<p>“I’m just wondering, Mother, is this your idea or your husband’s?”</p>
<p>And, with that sentence, Norma’s world collapsed.</p>
<p>She couldn’t move a muscle, she didn’t know what to do or say. She was stuck, frozen, paralyzed. She even started to doubt that she heard Norman correctly, but his glacial, hurt stare didn’t let much space to doubts. Norma couldn’t breath and time seemed to have stopped.</p>
<p>How, how? How did he know? How was it possible? And how would she now explain it all to Norman?</p>
<p>She couldn’t tell him that she was in love and was happy, truly happy, for the first time in her life. Norman would surely feel replaced, abandoned. But then again, wasn’t that was she had done, abandon him? </p>
<p>No.</p>
<p>She knew that her heart could never forget her son, she had thought of him every second of every day since he went to Pineview. Yes, she was happy, but if Norman was home with her then she would have had everything she had ever wanted, and she would feel complete.</p>
<p>But how could she explain all her feelings to Norman while he looked at her with such angry, hurt and inquiring stare?</p>
<p>“I perfectly understand that newlyweds often want time alone. Is that it? If I come <br/>home now, will I be in the way of your honeymoon?”</p>
<p>God, no. He would never be in the middle of something. He was her son, her whole world, didn’t he know? But then again, wasn’t it the same thought she had had the day before? Norma had thought of the possibility that her happy marriage would have been interrupted by Norman’s return. She would have to face only problems and jealousies. Norman’s return would threaten her relationship with Alex and Norma wasn’t sure she was ready to give it up yet.</p>
<p>Lies, jealousies, selfishness, denial.</p>
<p>That was her life.</p>
<p>Norma was so taken aback that she still had to say a word. She didn’t know how to face the problem, how to start the topic.</p>
<p><em>Deny. Deny everything.</em><br/>A small voice inside her was shouting to deny it all, as she had always done with everything in her life.</p>
<p>
  <em>Just deny it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Deny.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Deny.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Deny.</em>
</p>
<p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Norman.”</p>
<p>And then, he took out the piece of paper, THAT piece of paper. The same one she had cut with such care and attention and had framed.</p>
<p>“Don’t embarrass yourself by lying to me.”</p>
<p>Norma tried to take the piece of journal away from his hands, as if hiding it would hide the truth too.</p>
<p>“It’s not how it looks.”</p>
<p>Norma regretted saying it immediately. It was exactly what it looked, she was smiling happy near the man she loved. And what does <em>‘it’s not how it looks’ even meant</em>? Isn’t that the same sentence people tell their wives or husbands when they are caught betraying them? Isn’t it the sentence that everyone says when they’re about to deny something that is undeniable? It’s a clause that means <em>‘I’m just taking time to find a valid explanation to something that is so clear that doesn’t need any.’</em></p>
<p>“I did it for the medical insurance.”</p>
<p>Well, that wasn’t really a lie, right?</p>
<p>“I don’t believe you.” Norman’s voice was cold and accusing.</p>
<p>She needed to change strategy.</p>
<p>So, Norma stood up and raised her voice. She told him that Pineview was expensive and that she did it for him.</p>
<p>It was the truth, the problem was that even if the whole thing started for that purpose, she was now in love with Alex and she was planning to live the rest of her life with him. </p>
<p>
  <em>Until death do you part.</em>
</p>
<p>“Have you been sleeping with him?”</p>
<p>Norma felt sick to her stomach at Norman’s question. It was like someone punched her in the guts. The tone, so normal and casual, he had made the question, made her feel sick and gave her the chill at the same time.</p>
<p>“What are you talking about? I can’t even believe that you are asking me this.”</p>
<p>She avoided his eyes. She really couldn’t believe that her son had made a question about her sex life. He really shouldn’t be asking that, it wasn’t his businesses who she had sex with or if she had sex at all.</p>
<p>Norman was looking at her with a mix of pain, disgust and pity. She couldn’t stand it.</p>
<p>“Don’t look at me like that. I can’t bear it.”</p>
<p>“Stop. Stop!” she said, taking his face in her hands.</p>
<p>Norma was starting to feel the guilt again. She let her son in a mental institution, while she enjoyed life with Alex. She should have spent every day crying for Norman. That was what a good mother would have done.</p>
<p>Right?</p>
<p>She was so confused. She was in Pineview to convince Norman to stay there a little longer and now she was diminishing her relationship with Alex and try to comfort her child on the fact that he, once again, was her only priority, the only man she thought of.</p>
<p>“I did it for the insurance. That’s it. I swear Norman.”</p>
<p>Other lies. Her whole life was a lie.</p>
<p>She felt so guilty. She couldn’t face him. She just wanted to make him happy and, if that meant that she wouldn’t be happy, then she didn’t care. Norma was ready to abandon her happiness for her son. She was ready to give up.</p>
<p>“I—I—I love you.”</p>
<p>Norma knew it was the truth, but somehow, it felt different this time, it hadn’t the same meaning it had had the last time she told him that. Something was different, the kind of love she felt was different. Norma loved him, he was her son, but now, he wasn’t the only person she could trust. It wasn’t her ONLY person. She had someone else she could count on. And the way she loved Norman now was different, healthier. It was a love without constriction, without the fear of him being the only human being on the planet she could love, it was a love without toxicity. She could be physically away from him without feeling claustrophobic, she could love him, without the need to have him near her for the rest of her life. She could let him have people in his life without the fear of losing him, without the fear of remaining alone.</p>
<p>She could love him, without selfishness. </p>
<p>But maybe it was a little to late to love him like that.</p>
<p>Norma realized that it was all her fault. Norman’s blackouts, his violent actions, those poor girls’ deaths, it was all the result of years of bad parenting and toxic mother-son relationship.</p>
<p>Norma felt so bad. She wanted Norman to know that even if she had made huge mistakes, she had made them because she loved him and because she did what she thought was the best thing for him. She didn’t know how to be a good parent, Norma’s parent had never been a good example, so she had to improvise and do what she thought was the best thing to do. Norma didn’t even know how a healthy relationship was, since all her relationships had been awful and abusive. She was discovering how to be in one just now and she wanted to show Norman how things really worked. She hoped it wasn’t too late.</p>
<p>She couldn’t be too late.</p>
<p>“You are my child, you are my priority.”</p>
<p>“Then prove it.” his voice was desperate.</p>
<p>“How? What?” Norma would have jumped from a bridge, had he asked her to do so. She would have done everything to prove that Norman was still in her heart. Even to prove it just to herself.</p>
<p>“Let me come home.” He was almost crying.</p>
<p>Norma stared at him, not knowing what to say, how to convince him that she was thinking about his well-being when she said she wanted him to stay at Pineview.</p>
<p>“I—” she started to babble. </p>
<p>“But I—” She avoided his eyes once again.</p>
<p>“I don’t think that that’s what’s best for you.” Norma said with a breath of voice.</p>
<p>She was losing her battle and she knew it.</p>
<p>“Please mother.” And with that, Norman’s checks began to be wetted by tears.</p>
<p>Norma’s heart broke. She couldn’t look at his child like that, so hurt and scared and begging to come home, his home, a place where he should feel safe, protected and loved.</p>
<p>Norma moved closer and dried his tears.</p>
<p>Norman started to beg and to assure her that he would continue working with doctor Edwards. He just wanted to go home and stay with Norma.</p>
<p>“Please, please let me come home.”</p>
<p>Norma heart ached. It felt like someone was squeezing it without mercy. She started to cry too. She couldn’t look at Norman’s hurt expression and not think that she had caused it. She was the cause of his pains. She made her son cry and beg to come home. She had forced him to go away from her, to go away from his safe place. Norma had forced her own son to go in a mental institution so she could play house with Alex. She had been so selfish. Norman was right, she had given up on him. She had messed up and instead of taking care of her son, of protecting him, she had shut him down at Pineview.</p>
<p>She had been happy in those weeks with Alex, but she had just misled herself that life could be so simple and beautiful. She had forgot about her son and had pretended that his problems weren’t there.</p>
<p>Norma had caused much pain to Norman and she was seeing it for the first time.</p>
<p>She would have killed to make his sufferings end.</p>
<p>“Okay. Of course you can come home.” Norma said in between sobs, while she hugged him, pushing him closer and closer to her heart.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry.” She added, being sorry for how she treated him during those past weeks and during his whole life. Apologizing for how terrible and toxic she had made his life.</p>
<p>Norma couldn’t let go of him. It was like she was trying to alleviate his pains transferring them from Norman to her through the hug.</p>
<p>Norma caressed his hair and kept him between her arms, afraid that he could disappear the minute she would let go.</p>
<p>And in that moment, Norma closed her eyes and the adult Norman really disappeared to let his place to the young, little Norman.</p>
<p>Norma though, with much conviction, that her little, innocent baby was in her arms and not the grown, dangerous and violent Norman.</p>
<p>Norman was always going to be her baby to her.</p>
<p>Always.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. You got a TV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading and leaving comments! Knowing that you're still interested in this story means the world to me! I know that you expected something else from the last chapter, but I think we need some more drama lol. I'm a sucker for angst, so be prepared. I'm trying to follow the show as much as I can. Although, I want to assure you that this story is not gonna end like the show and there's gonna be a twist in the end, so don't worry ;)<br/>I'm trying to update as much as I can before I leave for my summer holiday because I won't be able to write for a couple of weeks then.<br/>Thank you for your patient and support! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Failure.</p>
<p>That was what she was, a failure.</p>
<p>Norma sat in her car, in front of her house, and didn’t have the courage to enter it. She knew that she would be welcomed by Alex’s sweet smile and she couldn’t stand the idea of it. She had done the only thing she shouldn’t have done. She allowed Norman to come back home.</p>
<p>And inside her house there was a very happy, cheerful, unaware Alex and she was about to ruin his happiness. She couldn’t stand the idea of entering her house and probably break the heart of the man she loved.</p>
<p>Coward.</p>
<p>That was what she was too.</p>
<p>Norma had let her son charm her and convince her to let him come home and now she had to deal with the consequences of her actions.</p>
<p>She didn’t know what to feel. She was happy that her son was going to come back home, but she was also afraid that his progresses would stop abruptly once he would step in that house. She was afraid that he could try to hurt someone else again, maybe even Alex. Norma knew how much protective of her Norman was and she was sure that he would never let anyone go closer to her, just as she didn’t let anyone become closer to him.</p>
<p>The other thing she was afraid of was that Alex could finally understand what kind of mess she was and would run away from her forever. Maybe he would get tired of Norman and her relationship with him and would leave her. Or maybe, he would start to hate Norman and would do anything to get in between her and her son.</p>
<p>She was screwed.</p>
<p>No matter what, she could not see a happy ending. Every scenario she played in her mind went bad and she ended up losing Norman, Alex or even both.</p>
<p>She was screwed.</p>
<p>Norma finally took the courage to exit her car and slowly made her way to the house on the hill.</p>
<p>She opened the first of the two doors that were separating her for Alex and her attention was caught by the loud noise of voices shouting.</p>
<p>Norma opened the second door with a puzzled face, just to be welcomed by a large, huge tv, placed in front of the fireplace.</p>
<p>“Surprise!” exclaimed Alex with open arms. He was smiling and seemed to be very excited about the new tv.</p>
<p>Ugh.</p>
<p>Norma made a disgusted face.</p>
<p>“You got a TV.”</p>
<p>She wasn’t excited at all. She hated having a big tv, she preferred to spend her time talking to people or reading books.</p>
<p>Alex was so excited though, that Norma couldn’t contain a smile. It was like a kid with his new toy. Alex was so cute when he was so happy, she couldn’t believe she was going to ruin his mood.</p>
<p>Alex started to tell her that he bought the tv because he knew how much Norma loved old movies and then he showed her the DVDs he bought. They weren’t what Norma usually watched, but she was moved that, even when buying something so simple like a tv, Alex had thought of her. She still wasn’t used to have a man that was thoughtful and nice to her. She wondered if Alex would stick around even with the mess that her life was soon going to be.</p>
<p>Alex noticed the sadness and worry in Norma’s eyes and asked what was wrong.</p>
<p>Norma sighed. Time of the truth.</p>
<p>“I went to see Norman. I told him he could come home.”</p>
<p>She sounded defeated, it was like she didn’t even care anymore. She was waiting motionless for the storm to come. She didn’t have any strength left to fight.</p>
<p>Alex looked at her, static like a statue, processing the new information.</p>
<p>“W-why would you do that?”</p>
<p>“Because he’s my kid,” Norma said simply. “and he really wants to come home, and he said that he’d continue working with Dr. Edwards.”</p>
<p>She was exposing the facts as if they were normal and not something that would turn their life upside down.</p>
<p>“Pineview’s not close.”</p>
<p>“So I’ll have to drive him.” Norma could feel her tone raising a little bit and her defensive self getting ready to blindly fight for her decision. </p>
<p>“Thanks for discussing it with me.”</p>
<p>Damn it.</p>
<p>Alex couldn’t be angry at her, she couldn’t stand it. She was so tired to fight, and she just needed someone to comfort her, to fight with her. She had so hoped that that someone could be Alex. He was her husband and he loved her, and she couldn’t stand the fact that he wasn’t on her side.</p>
<p>“Alex, please. Please, please, please.” Begged Norma while she dashed into his arms.</p>
<p>“Don’t be mad at me. Please? You can’t be mad. I can’t stand it.” She was desperate. She needed him so much.</p>
<p>“I just couldn’t tell my own son he couldn’t come home.”</p>
<p>She was starting to feel her eyes getting wet, but she fought against the tears. She was too tired to even cry.</p>
<p>What should have she done? Norman had begged her to come home, he cried, he was desperate. She couldn’t tell her own son that he couldn’t come home.</p>
<p>She told all of it to Alex, that was avoiding her hug.</p>
<p>“No, I understand.” He said, but his body language suggested the contrary.</p>
<p>Norma told him that Norman found out that they were married and that she told him it was just for the insurance.</p>
<p>“I know. I know, it’s stupid, but I just couldn’t tell him in the moment.”</p>
<p>Norma was so scared. She was on the verge of a cliff and she considered jumping. She had realized in the past days that every chose she had made in life had been a mistake, and the realization crushed her. She couldn’t stand the fact that she had been a failure in every aspect of her life.</p>
<p>She had lost faith in life.</p>
<p>“I’ve screwed everything up.”</p>
<p>Alex’s look made her feel sad, she knew she had disappointed him. He was finally understanding what kind of woman he had for wife.</p>
<p>“No, no.” Alex started, but Norma interrupted him immediately.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I have. You brought me a big, beautiful TV. I’ve just screwed it up.”</p>
<p>Norma sat on the couch, she was surrendering. She couldn’t have a normal, happy life. Faith won there.</p>
<p>The words that Alex had told her that beautiful morning resonated in her mind.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Don’t screw up.’ </em>
</p>
<p>She couldn’t stand the thought of having let Alex down. He was the last person she wanted to disappoint. She would have jumped off a bridge just to make him happy.</p>
<p>Wait.</p>
<p>She would have jumped off a bridge to make Norman happy too.</p>
<p>This simple realization made her face fell. She couldn’t make happy them both. It was so simple as that. She had to chose which man she wanted to make happy and sacrifice the other’s happiness.</p>
<p>She was so screwed.</p>
<p>It was an impossible choice. She would have rather sacrificed her happiness.</p>
<p>And suddenly, Norma felt Alex’s hand caressing her back.</p>
<p>“No, no, no. You did what you thought was the right thing, okay? You’re a mother I’m not. I’ve never been a parent.”</p>
<p>But was it really the right thing to do? She wasn’t so sure about it.</p>
<p>“We’re gonna get through this. Okay?”</p>
<p>Norma’s heart melt. He said <em>we. </em></p>
<p>We.</p>
<p>So there still was a <em>‘we’.</em></p>
<p>“And I’m going to help you.”</p>
<p>Crack.</p>
<p>Norma could feel her heart broke at how sweet Alex was being with her.</p>
<p>He wasn’t yelling, he wasn’t beating her, he wasn’t packing. The fact that he would comfort her and not yell at her was still surprising her.</p>
<p>She couldn’t believe how good he was. He was perfect and she didn’t deserve him.</p>
<p>“And I’m going to help Norman.”</p>
<p>Another crack.</p>
<p>No one of her partner has ever wanted to help Norman, not even Sam, who was Norman’s father.</p>
<p>“He’s never had a decent father figure in his life.”</p>
<p>Father figure?!</p>
<p>Norma couldn’t believe that Alex could even consider himself a <em>father figure</em> to Norman. He wanted to be involved. He wanted them to be a family.</p>
<p>This was too much.</p>
<p>Norma’s feeling of guilt intensified.</p>
<p>She was ruining his life and he was comforting her and talk to her about a happy future they all could have together, Norma, Alex and Norman even.</p>
<p>The fact that Alex was including Norman in the picture gave her heart the last crack that it needed to break completely. </p>
<p>“Okay? You did the right thing.” Alex was keeping saying that, but every time Norma was less convinced of it.</p>
<p>“He’s your son. I’m not trying to get in the way of that.”</p>
<p>It felt like Alex had pounced her in the chest. She couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t trying to push her away from her son and he wasn’t pushing himself away from her.</p>
<p>“Really?” Norma said faintly.</p>
<p>“Yes.” He assured her with the most natural tone, as if it had never been on discussion.</p>
<p>“Alright? We’ll handle this.”</p>
<p>We. Again.</p>
<p>Norma looked at him. She didn’t even know how to express the gratitude she had toward him, the happiness she felt every time he looked at her and the relief that had washed over her, knowing that Alex was rooting for her and for Norman and would help her face Norman’s mental issues.</p>
<p>“I love you.” Was the only thing she could say, before throwing herself in his arms and kissing him numerous times.</p>
<p>Alex’s hope in their future gave Norma the strength to keep fighting for it. It was possible, she could succeed.</p>
<p>Yes, she had made a mess and every decision she had made led her to that moment, but she could now change the course of her life and start to make some good decision, with Alex’s help.</p>
<p>Norma was in Alex’s safe arms and she was ready for the storm to come.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. One in,one out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone! I'm back from my holiday and it took me a while to get back into the mood of this story. Anyway, here's the new chapter, I might have been too emotional so I apologize in advance. I listened to "In the beginning" by Fahrenhaidt while writing it, so I advice you to listen to it too while reading! <br/>Enjoy!=)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma felt both safe and lost while she was in the comforting arms of Alex. She could sense that her world was soon going to collapse but, at the same time, she felt happy and safe. She wanted to freeze that exact moment and live in it forever, she didn’t want to go backwards nor forwards. She was enjoying the last moment she could live happily with her husband before the storm would crush their happy bubble. Norma had the awareness that it was all going to end soon, but she didn’t care, not in that moment, because she felt safe and loved and was in the arms of the love of her life. Norma was on the peak of a mountain, knowing too well that she was going to fall but, instead of worrying, she was enjoying the view.</p>
<p>Norma breathed in, that instant was going to be impressed on her memory for the rest of her life.</p>
<p>But every good thing, like the bad one, has a end.</p>
<p>“I don’t think you can keep living here.”</p>
<p>And with that simple sentence, the spell was broken, the reality crushed on the two lovers, the moment was lost.</p>
<p>Norma said it to Alex in a breath, the pain in her voice was palpable. It was like someone was forcing her to say it. Norma knew that she had to pretend that she wasn’t in love with Alex and that meant that he couldn’t live there with her, that he couldn’t sleep in the same bed as her. She had to lie to Norman, at least at the beginning. Norma couldn’t tell her son the truth or she could have undone all the progresses he had made. Norman was too protective of her and she couldn’t admit to him that she had someone in her life beside him.</p>
<p>It was such a mess.</p>
<p>She was kicking out her husband to protect her son from the reality. One in and one out. It was so painful.</p>
<p>Norma looked at Alex to see if he had heard her and, from the look on his eyes, he did.</p>
<p>Alex was hurt, and he wasn’t even trying to hide it.</p>
<p>“I understand.” He said simply, coldly, avoiding looking at Norma.</p>
<p>Of course he understood, he was Alex, he was the best person Norma had ever met. He was the only one who had ever understood her.</p>
<p>Norma’s heart ached.</p>
<p>“It’s not gonna be forever, I promise.” And with that she took his face in her hands and gently forced him to look at her.</p>
<p>“I promise.” She repeated, more confident this time.</p>
<p>Alex nodded slightly before going closer to her and place a kiss on her forehead. Norma clung to him with all the strength she had left, and Alex enclosed her once again in his arms. They were both still, afraid to ruin the moment. They didn’t want to move, they were even afraid to breathe.</p>
<p>The moment was so fragile that even the smallest movement could break it. Norma was on the verge of tears, but she didn’t want to cave because she knew she wouldn’t have stopped crying, and she didn’t want to spend the last night with Alex crying. She wanted to feel his body, to feel him near her, to feel his vicinity.</p>
<p>Norma stood up without saying a thing. She took Alex’s hand and led him silently in their bedroom. She started to kiss him, and he responded with such intensity that she was overwhelmed for a second. They undressed themselves and then lay on the bed, facing each other. Norma was observing Alex, trying to impress every little detail on her memory and Alex was doing the same with her: her messy blonde curls, her soft and plump lips, her blue eyes, deep like and ocean. She was perfect and that was the way Alex wanted to remember her. Alex was totally taken aback by her beauty.</p>
<p>Norma had let the tears flow silently on her cheeks and Alex went closer to her face and kissed them away before kissing her passionately.</p>
<p>“I love you.” He whispered.</p>
<p>“I love you too.” said Norma in a sob.</p>
<p>And then Alex moved on top of her and, after giving her another light kiss, he gently entered her. The feeling was so intense that Norma almost combusted on the spot. She exhaled a long pant and her hand went to Alex’s hair since his face was now buried in Norma’s neck. Alex moved slowly but with force while Norma contorted in pleasure beneath him. They moved like one. The room was filled with long moans and pants. The pleasure Norma felt was indescribable, but it could only compare to the pain she was feeling, knowing that it could be the last time she and Alex made love in a long time if not forever. Norma knew that things were going to be very difficult from the next day and she wasn’t 100% sure that Alex would put up with the hell that her life was going to be. Sure, he wanted to stay, and he was convinced that he could help her with Norman, but intentions and reality don’t often get along.</p>
<p>It was in the realm of possibility that Alex could leave her, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually he could. And it was in the realm of possibility that she would get to a point in which she would have to make a choice between Alex and Norman. And, if she would ever get there, she would have to renounce to her love relationship.</p>
<p>Norma had this in mind while she made love to Alex. It could have been their last time and she wanted it to last and to be perfect.</p>
<p>So, Norma pushed Alex and changed their position so that Alex was with his back on the bed and she was over him. She kept kissing him while she slowly moved her body over him. Alex’s hands grabbed Norma’s ass and helped her with her movements. Alex started to thrust his hips, following Norma’s movements.</p>
<p>It was heaven. </p>
<p>They were painfully slow, but their movements were fluid and confident. The moans intensified until they screamed in pleasure. The climax built up in Norma’s body until it burned her from inside out. It crushed her like a tsunami, bringing her on the top and then letting her fall down in one sudden movement. She felt so overwhelmed that her head spun, and she couldn’t feel her legs anymore. She collapsed on Alex’s chest and when she finally opened her eyes she was welcomed by Alex’s warm smile. Norma smiled back at him before kissing him one more time. Alex deepened the kiss immediately, not seeming to be able to let her go. Alex’s intertwined his hands in Norma’s curls and rolled them over again, so that he was back on top of her. When she felt his erection growing hard again, she looked at him with a surprised, yet aroused gaze and he smirked before crushing his lips on hers and begin to move his hips again. Norma was still recovering from the previous orgasm, so she could barely move her hips in rhythm with his. Alex pinned Norma’s hands above her head and started to kiss her neck at the same time. Alex’s movements were faster now, and he thrusted in her fiercely. It was different from before, it was wild and rough, and Alex’s pants were louder. Norma regained some strength and began to move her hips with more force. She tightened the grip on Alex and her nails clutched at his back, leaving scratches. Her legs tightened on Alex and she started to scream his name repeatedly. The orgasm rushed through her body like the previous one, shattering her. Norma screamed his name one last time before her head crashed on the pillow.</p>
<p>This time, when Norma opened her eyes again, Alex’s eyes were full of pain and were looking at her. Alex caressed Norma’s cheek and the pure pleasure she had felt a second before transformed itself in pure pain and Norma couldn’t contain the tears any longer. She burst into tears and Alex enclosed her in his embrace.</p>
<p>They both knew that that was the last night they could spend together for who knows how much time and that it could even be their last time together at all.</p>
<p>Norma’s sobs resonated in Alex’s chest and he tightened his embrace. He didn’t want to let her go.</p>
<p>“It’s all gonna be good, trust me.” Said Alex, while he caressed Norma’s hair.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry, Alex.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay. We’ll figure this out.” He kept repeating it. It was like he was trying to convince himself too.</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s okay. We’ll figure this out.</em>
</p>
<p>And with those words resonating in her head, Norma Bates fell asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Empty house</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hii everyone! I'm alive! I'm so so sorry for leaving you for so much time, but life has been really crazy lately. I'm uploading three chapters today to make it up to you. They were really difficult to write, I kind of hate this last episodes of season four. Anyway, I hope the wait was worth it! Enjoy =)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Norma woke up, Alex’s spot on the bed was empty, as his half of the closet. Norma sighed while her hand caressed Alex’s pillow. She knew he was still in the house, he would never leave without saying goodbye, but she missed him already. Norma missed opening her eyes in the morning to find him smiling at her, or to gently push him to make him stop snoring. She knew he was still going to be there for her, but Norma, with her hand still on his pillow, sensed a change. Her life, the life she had lived in the last days, seemed like a dream, or like it never had been her life in the first place, but the life of someone else.</p>
<p>Norma didn’t want to stand up. She wanted to hold her grip on the life she had dreamed of, of the life she thought she had, one more minute. She wasn’t ready yet. She needed to hold on to the happiness a little bit more, just one more minute. She knew that once she opened her eyes and stood up from her bed everything would become different, more complicated, more difficult, and she didn’t know if she had the strength to deal with it once more.</p>
<p>Just a little bit more time.</p>
<p>Just one more minute.</p>
<p>“Norma!”</p>
<p>Alex’s shout made her open her eyes. The daylight entering her window blurred away all the drowsiness of her sleep and with it, the pretended happiness she was holding on to with so much vigor simply faded away too, leaving her alone to face the harsh reality.</p>
<p>Norma stood up, wore her gown and quickly climbed down the stairs just to find Alex on the doorway with his bags.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘you’re gonna be packing your bags soon’</em>
</p>
<p>A memory flashed in her mind and she felt a stabbing pain in her chest.</p>
<p>“you’re leaving.” She stated simply.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna go back to my house,” said Alex in a whisper “at least until you’ll figure this whole situation out. Just as we agreed. It’s for the best.” He then moved towards her. “Everything will be good, don’t worry. I’m still gonna be here for you, I promise.”</p>
<p>“you promise?”</p>
<p>“Of course.” Responded Alex honestly.</p>
<p>And with this she catapulted herself in his embrace.</p>
<p>“I love you.” She whispered in his ear.</p>
<p>“I love you too.” Alex said before giving her a quick, although deep, kiss.</p>
<p>“I have to go now. I’ll be late for work. I made some coffee, it should still be warm.”</p>
<p>“Thank you. For everything.” Said Norma, stepping away from him, letting him go.</p>
<p>Alex smiled, that big smile that could warm Norma’s heart and make her believe that everything was really going to be good. Norma smiled back while Alex took his bags and opened the door. He gave her a last quick peck on the lips before going out. Norma followed him on the porch and watched him climb down the stairs and open the door of his car. Alex put the bags in his car and stopped for a second, his look went to Norma, who was still on the porch. He smiled one last time, waved with his hand and, finally, entered his car.</p>
<p>The car started to move, and it soon exited Norma’s visual field. And, with that, Alex was gone from her house and Norma felt immediately lonely. She was still there, trapped in that house, in that life where she had to fight endlessly. She was back to the life of before, the life where she had to worry about everything all the time, where she couldn’t have a break, where she was alone.</p>
<p>Alone.</p>
<p>She was so used to this concept.</p>
<p>Norma went back inside and made herself a cup of coffee. She had a big day ahead of her and she couldn’t spend it feeling sorry for herself. Norma went in her room and prepared herself. She got dressed and made her bed. The noise of her silence was the only noise in the whole, empty house.</p>
<p>Norma felt the walls of her bedroom becoming smaller and smaller and, soon, the huge, empty house became so tiny that she felt trapped in it. The walls moved forward towards her, unmerciful, and she started to gasp for air. The house became even more smaller, until she couldn’t move. The house that once was so big she could lose herself in, was now choking her.</p>
<p>Norma collapsed on the ground, her arms were around her legs as she tried to become smaller, to escape the walls that were moving closer to her. She could only close her eyes and try to escape the house that was collapsing on her. She could only try to hide herself in a memory.</p>
<p>She thought of the day Norman was born, at how happy she was the moment the nurse placed her little baby in her arms. At how small and innocent Norman had been, a creature so small and fragile that she would have given her life in order to protect him.</p>
<p>She just didn’t know that he needed protection from her, from Sam, from the life Norma had created for him, from the life they both had been forced to live, forced from the faith or maybe forced by the lack of courage, of strength, of self-love.</p>
<p>Then, Norma thought of the day of her wedding with Alex. At how nervous she had been and at how surprised she had been when Alex showed her the ring. She didn’t know that men could be gentle to her and, that, was the first of an infinite gestures Alex did to prove her the contrary. She thought at the fire that erupted in her the moment their lips touched for the first time.</p>
<p>
  <em>Till death do you part.</em>
</p>
<p>It seemed a silly promise at the time, a promise she didn’t even take into consideration. But now, it was all she had. The promise of a life together was the only thing that was making her stand up from her bed and walk.</p>
<p>The promise that, despite everything, they would make it and they would be happy.</p>
<p>A promise, a hope.</p>
<p>Norma regained her normal breath and slowly opened her eyes. The walls of her bedroom seemed to be in the same position of always, motionless. Norma stood up and took a deep breath. She needed to get out from that house, she needed some fresh air.</p>
<p>Norma quickly climbed down the stairs, grabbed her purse and coat and exited the house, heading to the motel office.</p>
<p>Noma entered the office and felt more stabilized right away. The distance from her house put her feet back on the ground.</p>
<p>Norma stared at the phone. She was waiting a call from Pineview to know the exact time she had to go and pick Norman up.</p>
<p>Her little sweet boy was coming home, and she still didn’t know how to feel about <br/>it.</p>
<p>Scared was the first word that came into her mind.</p>
<p>She was scared but not for herself. She was scared that Norman wasn’t ready to accept the truth about her and Alex. She was scared that he could undo all his progresses, that he would go back to the old, toxic habits. But above all, Norma was scared that the life she had in mind for Norman was the exact thing he should been protected from. Norma was scared that <em>she</em> could go back to the old, toxic habits, that she would start to ignore and denial once more, that her love for her son would make her blind again and that they could restart their toxic relationship like nothing had happened.</p>
<p>Norma was scared that Norman should be protected from <em>her</em>.</p>
<p>The ring of the phone stopped her train of thoughts, bringing her back into the <br/>room.</p>
<p>“Bates Motel, Norma is speaking.”</p>
<p>“Ms. Bates? This is the Pineview institution. We are calling to let you know that Norman will be dismissed at 6 p.m. this afternoon.”</p>
<p>Norma’s voice trembled slightly when she told the woman on the phone that she would have picked up Norman at that time and when she thanked her for the call.</p>
<p>Norma hung up and a smile started to form on her face. She couldn’t help it, she was happy at the idea of seeing her son again, it was an instinctive reaction. That didn’t diminish her fear tough.</p>
<p>Norma spent the rest of the day checking the time and waiting to get into the car and drive to Pineview.</p>
<p>The time passed incredibly slow, but at the end the moment came. Norma closed the office and walked to her car. She gave a last look to the big house on the hill <br/>before turning on the car.</p>
<p>The house and the motel faded away in the rear-view mirror as she took the road that would have brought her to Norman.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. The pickup</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I know this is a small chapter, but I thought it was important to describe the moment of their reunion.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma focused on the road for the whole time. She didn’t want to think about anything, so she just repressed her feelings and fears in a deep place inside her, at least for the moment.</p>
<p>She arrived at Pineview a little early but, instead of waiting in the waiting room, she stayed in her car. Norma looked at the institution from the window of the car. That place had been her salvation, her hope. And now she was surrendering. She was looking at that place knowing that she had disappointed it, as if it had a life of its own and was adding itself to Norma’s list of people she had let down.</p>
<p>Her life was such a mess, how did she get to that point? What could have she done differently?</p>
<p>Maybe everything, maybe nothing. Maybe faith wins here. No matter how much effort she could have taken, maybe she would have ended up in this same spot anyway.</p>
<p>Norma looked at the clock. It was time.</p>
<p>She exited the car and walked to the entrance of the building. A nice woman registered her entry and told her to wait in the hallway. It was just a matter of minutes before her baby would be in her arms again. Her sweet, innocent baby.</p>
<p>Norma realized, just in that moment, how much she had missed him. She had missed his laugh, his touch, the way they talked to each other and how well they could read one another. She hated to admit it, but she didn’t have this kind of connection with no one, not even with Alex. It was like they had the same brain and they could read the thoughts of the other. The feelings, the emotions, the fears and the worries were all shared by the two like they were the same person. She knew it was this connection that brought them here in the first place, but Norma couldn’t stop thinking that is wasn’t just a curse, but a blessing too. To have this relationship with someone is one of the most intimate and powerful experience in life and Norma was happy to be so lucky to have shared this experience with her son. She was happy to have someone in her life that knew her, really knew her. That not only knew her best moments, but also the worst and scariest ones. Someone that knew the most hidden and deep thoughts and that wasn’t scared by them but loved her anyway. Norman knew all the bad things that she had made in her life and he still loved her and admired her. </p>
<p>There is something so pure about someone that accepts the real you, and not only the mask you use every day.</p>
<p>In her case, tough, the pure part of their relationship transformed in a toxic, codependent bond that was ruining their lives. And Norma was determined to put a stop to it.</p>
<p>The first thing she noted was the noise of steps on the stairs above her and just after a second, that seemed like an eternity, she finally saw Norman. He didn’t acknowledge her immediately, his eyes were focused on Doctor Edwards, just a few steps in front of Norma.</p>
<p>When Norman finally looked at Norma a chill run through her spine. Norman’s face was relaxed, the corner of his mouth was bended in a shy smile, but his eyes were glacial. They were ice and there was something in the way Norman was looking at Norma that made her froze into fear.</p>
<p>He wasn’t the sweet baby she had expected to see. He was something else.</p>
<p>When Norma stood in front of Norma her arms instinctively moved to embrace him, something she was so used to do that her body moved without the permission of her mind, that was still processing the feeling that had run through her body at the sight of her son.</p>
<p>There was something obscure in his eyes and Norma started to regret every decision that brought her right in that moment.</p>
<p>Norma looked at Doctor Edward for reassurance just to find the same doubts in his eyes.</p>
<p>She had made the right thing, right?</p>
<p>She <em>must</em> have done the right thing.</p>
<p>Her son was back into her arms, she could protect him now. It had to be the right decision, even if it felt so wrong.</p>
<p>She looked back at him, that weird thing in his eyes that scared her so much was now vanished, and Norman was smiling at her kindly.</p>
<p>“Come on.” She whispered while she headed to the exit.</p>
<p>They walked to the car hand in hand and, once they hit the road, Norman looked at Pineview, becoming small in the rear-view mirror until it disappeared from his view and from his life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Freezing night, freezing hearts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The room was dark, the only source of illumination was provided by the dim ray of moon light entering from the little crack between the closed curtains. Norman’s slow and deep breath was the only sound in the room, exception made for the loud noise of Norma’s thoughts in her mind.</p>
<p>Norma knew that Norman was asleep, but somehow, she couldn’t follow him. Something was off and she couldn’t bring her eyes to close and her mind to quieten. So, she was staring at the dark ceiling, rethinking of Norman’s return home.</p>
<p>He had a hard time getting used to be home again, she could tell. Norman hadn’t said much since he had been back. He had spent the evening unpacking. The dinner had been quiet and, when Norma had asked him if he wanted to watch a movie, Norman had refused, telling her he just needed to rest.</p>
<p>Norma had found his behavior strange, but she had also been relieved. Norma felt the same weirdness about sharing her house with Norman again and she was starting to feel the pressure to entertain him or chat with him just to fill the inevitable embarrassing silence that had settled between them.</p>
<p>So much had changed since Norman had been admitted to Pineview and they both could feel it. Norman didn’t know exactly what it was, but Norma knew. She knew that their relationship wasn’t the only important one in her life anymore and that, in her heart, Norman wasn’t the only one anymore. She had committed to spend her life with someone else and it was so clear, that Norman could feel it in the air, in that heavy, thick air of their house.</p>
<p>Something had changed and he sure didn’t like it.</p>
<p>Norma sensed his reluctancy and insinuation when he saw the tv Alex bought. She new she had to tell him the truth, she just wasn’t ready to deal with the consequences of her actions. She was so lost and the only thing she needed now was to talk to Alex, to have Alex reassure her that everything would have been good, to have him hug her and kiss her and to lose herself in his touch.</p>
<p>Norma turned her face to Alex’s spot on the bed just to find Norman. Her heart ached. This felt so wrong.</p>
<p>She just wished she could talk to her husband instead of hiding their relationship to her son. How did she get here to this point?</p>
<p>Now even her house was turning itself against her. She couldn’t have a moment of peace. Norma shivered and tighten the cover around her. She looked back at Norman. How many times she had enjoyed his company in her bed, how many times she had wanted him to hug her and comfort her? She remembered when he was little, Sam was God knows where and Norman used to climb in her bed to chat until he fell asleep in her arms. She remembered how she liked to watch him sleep and how tiny and innocent he had looked in her arms. Norma missed all this. But then, why did it bothered her having Norman in her bed right now? He was still her baby and he looked as tiny and innocent now as he looked when he was a kid. Norma remembered that she could spent hours watching him sleep. So, why couldn’t she even bear to look at him now?</p>
<p>Norma felt guilty for being an awful mother and an awful wife. She just entered the lives of others and destroyed them, that what she always did. She was a curse for the one she loved, she was only capable to ruin and fuck up their lives. Everyone she ever met ended up hurt. Dylan, her first son, the same son that she had ruined neglecting him her love. Norman, her second son, the one she had to put in a mental institution because the reality of his life was so hard to bear for him that he had to escape in his mind. Caleb, well, at least they both destroyed themselves. Sam, he met her and then he became an alcoholic asshole. She was rotten, isn’t that what her father always used to tell her? Maybe he was right, and she could only realize it now, after too much years.</p>
<p>Norma stopped her train of thoughts. It was taking a bad path and she just didn’t want to hear what the cruel, self-hating part of herself had to say. She didn’t want to feel sorry for her or to cry on spilled milk, and yet there she was, accusing herself of being the worst person on the planet and doing nothing do improve the situation if not crying. She was better than that. Norma had always been a resolved person, the kind that stand up again after a fall. Sure, she had fallen in deeper hole in her life, but this one was just too difficult to get out of.</p>
<p>She needed to be stronger, if not for herself for Norman, and for Alex. They deserved better and she was ready to do the impossible just to give them the life they deserved. They deserved to be happy and she was more than ready to do everything in her power to make that happen.</p>
<p>Norma shivered once more, her thoughts wandering to the house and to how the heater was broken. Norma was starting to hate that house, to hate the type of house it had become. Not a warm, happy home, but a cold house full of ghosts and fears. She remembered how happy she had been the first time she saw it and at how much plans she had for it. Now, the house had given her problems since the first night, it was a place of sad memories, a crime scene, a place in which she had been raped and had killed a man. A place in which her son chased her with a loaded gun. A place in which her son had tried to drown himself and had probably killed a woman and hid her body. It wasn’t a place of happiness and joy, but a dark place in which every spot reminded her of something awful that had happened to her or to her family.</p>
<p>Maybe they could move, Norma thought for a second. The illusion of a new house, a new place in which she could create happy memories with her happy husband and her happy son cradle her until everything went black and the pain and the fears became just faded memories of a dissolved life and Norma could fell in a deep, tranquil sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Hide and seek</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma woke up the next morning stretching her arms toward the person near her. The second her arms touched her neighbor Norma abruptly opened her eyes and moved away from him. Norman was deep asleep near her, as he had been since the previous night, but the habit and the drowsiness from the sleep had made her forget that and had led her to stretch her arms to cuddle with her husband. A husband that wasn’t there with her in her bed. Norma quickly jumped out of the bed and moved as far away from it as possible, as it was a crime scene.</p>
<p>Norma started to feel the chill on her skin and remembered that the heater was broken. She took the first item of clothing that could provide her with some warmth and quickly run into the bathroom. She oddly felt the need to hide from the other one resident of that house. The situation was starting to bother her. She missed her husband and she didn’t want to feel guilty about it anymore.</p>
<p>The real truth, the truth she was avoiding admitting was that she was terrified to change the actual situation. She could live in this limbo in which no one was truly happy, but in which they wouldn’t be faced with enormous struggles and pain either. Norma knew that the moment she would break the spell and tell Norman that she loved Alex and that their marriage was real the bubble in which they all had been living would simply pop and they would have to face the consequences of their actions.</p>
<p><em>She</em> would have to face the consequences of <em>her</em> actions.</p>
<p>Norma knew that Norman would never really accept it and she knew it because she knew her son more than anyone else.</p>
<p>Norma had always had a small hope in her heart that Norman would understand it, but now she realized she had only lied to herself. She knew Norman, really knew him and if she had to be honest with herself, she should have known that there was not even the slighted chance that he would accept her love for Alex. It was all an elaborated lie that she had told herself to allow herself to open to Alex and to allow herself to let her protective walls down. But now, that it was time to really take action, her lie could be exposed. Norma knew the moment she was so afraid of was coming closer and closer. The moment in which she would have to choose between the love of her life and her beloved son. It was inevitable as the sunrise. It was just a matter of time and Norma was ready to do everything in her power to prolong the wait.</p>
<p>Norma looked at her reflection in the mirror on the wall of the bathroom. She sighed and looked away. She was hiding herself into the bathroom, the only thing she could do was getting ready.</p>
<p>After a while a ringtone interrupted her actions. She had forgotten that her phone was in the pocket of her gown. When she took the phone in her hand and read the caller a big smile emerged on her face.</p>
<p>Alex was calling her.</p>
<p>“Hi hon.” Norma said with a thrilling voice.</p>
<p>“Hey.” Responded Alex in the same tone.</p>
<p>“Hi. I miss you.” Norma felt the need to tell him right away how much she had missed him, even if they had seen each other just the previous day. It honestly felt like an eternity since she heard his voice. It was a ray of sunshine, a breath of fresh air. Alex’s voice had the magical ability to make her forget her problems, to drive away the gray clouds and make the sky appear again. It was refreshing. Norma felt her heart full again, and she didn’t feel alone anymore.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Me too.” Chuckled Alex on the other line.</p>
<p>“It’s not forever.” He added.</p>
<p>He was always so positive, Norma couldn’t believe how much light he had brought into her life. He could made her really believe that everything would be fine, that they really could be happy together, no matter how poorly she really believed it. Norma could hear his voice and believe that the world was a sunny place, no matter how much pain she had endured in her life. Every time Norma heard Alex voice she glowed and thought that the world was a brighter place just because he was in it.</p>
<p>“So, how’s he doing?”</p>
<p>The inevitable question.</p>
<p>Norma tried to explain the awkwardness between them and how much Alex’s absence was sensed. But then the need to protect her child and to ignore the problems prevailed and she quickly added that she found Norman much better and that he just needed to get used to be home again. Norma really wanted to share this part of her life with Alex, but it was too difficult for her.</p>
<p>Norma had been used to be the only to care about the well-being of Norman and she had spent the early years of Norman’s life to avoid telling things and problems to Sam because of the fear that he could have harmed Norman. She was so used to be quiet about everything related to Norman and to hide every single problem for the fear of having him taken away from her that she couldn’t really open up about him to anyone, not even to Alex, not even if she really wanted to.</p>
<p>There was always a part of herself that felt the need to put on a mask and pretend that everything was splendid, even with the person she loved more than herself.</p>
<p>“Uh, so am I gonna see you later?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. I’ll stop over later, okay?”</p>
<p>She couldn’t wait to be in his arms again, to feel his breath on her skin, his warm touch, his comforting words and his lips on hers. Just hearing his voice brought a smile on her face and a glow on her eyes.</p>
<p>“I can’t wait to see you.” She added. Norma was so happy that she could tell her husband all her feelings towards him. It was a difficult thing for Norma, to let someone enter her heart this way and to really trust him, and she had worked hard to achieve this. It was a small thing for most people, but it was a big step for her, and she was proud of herself for coming this far.</p>
<p>She remembered when she couldn’t even tell Alex that she loved him, when she couldn’t trust him and waited for the real Alex to show up. And it was truly when the real Alex showed up that she fell in love with him. He proved her that there were still good people out there and that he was one of them.</p>
<p>“Uh, Norma.” He hesitated a second.</p>
<p>“So, when are you gonna tell him?”</p>
<p>Norma’s smile faded. Here we are. She knew he was being very patient and that another man would have already run as far as possible from her and her life. Alex deserved an answer, he really did, and Norma felt incredibly guilty for the whole situation. But she had no clue of when she would find the strength to tell her son the truth and, doing so, to jump into the darkness, in which she didn’t know if and with whom she might get out.</p>
<p>“I-I…” Norma sighed. She didn’t want to lie, but she wasn’t ready to face the problem yet and she couldn’t tell the most patient and understanding man that she was prolonging his waiting just because of a lack of courage.</p>
<p>“I’ll do it when it makes sense, okay? I promise it—it won’t take forever. I promise.”</p>
<p>She was telling him to be just a little more patient, she was stalling.</p>
<p>“No, no, no, I get it.”</p>
<p>Of course he did, he was Alex.</p>
<p>“Okay, thank you for understanding.”</p>
<p>It still amazed Norma that a man could be patient and understanding instead of getting pissed if she didn’t bring him a beer the quickest possible.</p>
<p>“I love you.” She couldn’t use other words to express how grateful she was for his support and for not pushing her, but for respecting her decision.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Yeah. I love you too.”</p>
<p>Norma smiled. Those words never failed to make her feel special and optimistic. She was loved, no matter how things went, she was sure that his love would last forever. So, bad could things go anyway? She would always have someone to pick up the pieces of her life with.</p>
<p>A knock on the door made her come back to the reality.</p>
<p>“Mother, are you in there?” Norman’s voice called her front the other side of the closed door.</p>
<p>Her mood, so light and cheerful just one second before, changed instantly.</p>
<p>“Yeah!” she shouted to Norman while she tried to hide the noise of her voice with the noise of the toilet water rushing.</p>
<p>Norma told Norman that she would have made in breakfast in a minute and then she quickly said good-bye to Alex before hanging up the phone.</p>
<p>Is that what her life would be now? Hiding herself and her relationship from her son just as he was her father. She was so sick of hiding parts of her life to people and she thought she wouldn’t had to do it anymore after she revealed her past to Alex. But there she was, hiding once more. She was too tired of it. She needed to change this situation for once.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Life is hard, isn't it?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma had tried so hard to tell everything to Norman that morning at breakfast, but somehow the words wouldn’t get out of her mouth. Her mind processed the right words, but from her mouth escaped only faint references to her “friendship” with the sheriff.</p>
<p>God, she was so pathetic.</p>
<p>‘I’m in love Norman’, she thought.</p>
<p><em>“We actually became good friends”</em> was the only thing that got out.</p>
<p>She was really trying her best, but her best wasn’t enough, not for Alex, not for her.</p>
<p>And the quick talk she had with Dylan just a few hours before didn’t alleviate the pressure she was feeling.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Romero still there?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“No. He moved out.”</em>
</p>
<p>It took her all her strength to pronounce those words and not collapse in pain. Norma missed having Alex around, she missed him too much. And that’s why she was driving to his house right now. She needed to see him, right now.</p>
<p>Norma couldn’t wait to be in his arms to let the difficult day she had had slide away. The more she was getting closer to Alex’s the more she felt her tension alleviate and her smile find his place back on her lips. Norma missed Alex, but she missed feeling happy and light the most. Norma wanted to find back a balance in her life. Since Norman came back and Alex moved, she felt lost once again. She started to feel a huge, constant pression on her chest, like an elephant was sitting on it and she constantly felt on the verge of tears. Norma felt like the walls of every room became smaller and smaller and the air left in the room wouldn’t be enough to let her breathe normally. She couldn’t live like this anymore, she needed her balance back. Sure, she never had a <em>real</em> balance, but now she was completely lost, blind in a thick forest with no way out.</p>
<p>Norma just needed a fucking break.</p>
<p>And that was also why she couldn’t wait to get to Alex’s house. She could finally start to breathe again, at least for a little while.</p>
<p>Norma looked at the sky outside, the grey of the sky matched the grey of her soul and the reflection of the clouds flew backwards on the windshield as the car moved ahead.</p>
<p>Norma turned right and entered Alex’s walkway. She almost didn’t even stop the car before storming out and running to the door, reducing the remaining distance between her and her source of happiness.</p>
<p>Norma opened the door that she knew was unlocked and peeked inside. She soon spotted Alex, standing near the couch.</p>
<p>“Hi. I missed you.” Norma said while throwing herself into Alex’s arms. She started kissing him, hoping that they could immediately skip to the part in which he would take her in his arms and bring her in his bedroom. God knows Norma needed to calm her nerves and forget who she was for a while.</p>
<p>Her sweet dreams of love making were broken the moment Alex slightly moved away from Norma and her kisses.</p>
<p>“What? What?” Norma asked, a little taken aback by his reaction.</p>
<p>“Well—” He started, while Norma entwined her fingers with his. She just needed as much physical contact as she could.</p>
<p>“Did you know Norman came to see me this morning?”</p>
<p>Norma’s face fell.</p>
<p>“No. He must have done it while I was out.” Nothing good could come out of it. Norman knew her so well, he probably had already put the pieces of the puzzle together.</p>
<p>“What’d he said?” Norma was almost afraid of asking.</p>
<p>Alex moved away and closed the door. Norma was so thrilled to see Alex that she didn’t even closed the door behind her. Hell, she probably left the whole car open too.</p>
<p>“Well, he thanked me for, uh, everything I’ve done for him.”</p>
<p>Norma had a sudden flash of the morning talk with Norman and remembered proposing that exact thing. It was in between her rambling, but apparently Norman had picked that information up, nonetheless.</p>
<p>“Well, that’s nice. That’s a nice thing for him to do” She started, knowing that it couldn’t be that simple. Alex was clearly upset about something and, knowing her kid, something else must have come out between the two.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Alex turned to face her, “then he told me that you and I could get a divorce now.”</p>
<p>Norma froze. The word ‘divorce’ coming out of Alex mouth made her heartbeat so fast that she found herself grasping for air.</p>
<p>“That he’s gonna get a part-time job and pay for his own insurance.” Finished Alex.</p>
<p>After running so fast she could have felt like she just run the marathon, Norma’s heart suddenly stopped, making her feel like someone had punched her so bad that she was now on the floor. Actually, she didn’t even know if she was still standing since she couldn’t feel the floor under her feet.</p>
<p>“What?” was the only thing she managed to say. Her tone, though, was enough to let her pain and surprise show through.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Confirmed Alex. “He thinks I manipulated you.”</p>
<p>Manipulated? What the hell?</p>
<p>“Manipulated me how?”</p>
<p>Alex scoffed. “Fill in the blanks.”</p>
<p>Norma started to be in a cold sweat and a shiver run down her spine.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>He fucking knew.</p>
<p>“You mean, he knows we’re sleeping together?” The question was almost pointless. She already knew the answer.</p>
<p>Alex looked at her for a time that seemed like an eternity.</p>
<p>“I-I think you have to tell him the truth, Norma, that-that we’re together and that we love each other and that it is not gonna change.”</p>
<p>“Okay. But it’s just—it’s too soon. It’s too soon.”</p>
<p>It was the first time that Alex was asking her something and she was already freaking out. She was so afraid of the truth and of its consequences and she was not ready to lose everything. She could not face her son.</p>
<p>Norma quickly remembered of all the time Norman acted weirdly with one of the men she had dated and also at how he was ready to end it all not one, not twice, but three times, including the last one in which he was ready to bring Norma with him. He was too fragile, and she was too scared to face the fact that her actions could take her boy away from her.</p>
<p>“Well, it’s not gonna get better. And waiting’s only gonna make it worse.” Alex’s harsh tone made her make a step away from him and let her erect a thin, although high, wall between them. Norma felt her protectiveness of her son becoming a third, powerful, presence in the room.</p>
<p>“I mean, what—what are you trying to accomplish here?” Alex’s attack was continuing.</p>
<p>He deserved a woman who would fight for him, who would demonstrate how much he meant to her. Norma was fighting with her instinct so badly to give Alex the woman he deserved, but she still couldn’t trust the world like he did. Norma had lived enough to know that she couldn’t have a happy ending, no matter how much she would try and fight to have it. Life would always get in the way.</p>
<p>And, right now, she was such a mixt of emotions and disappointment she didn’t even trust herself with how she was going to react. She felt betrayed from her own son, pressured by her husband and angry at the whole situation. She felt trapped and she didn’t like it. Norma Bates, no matter what she had to endure in her shitty life, would never feel trapped and not fight against the source of this feeling.</p>
<p>“I will know when the time is right.” She started. Her tone was calm, but it showed a hint of frustration and rage.</p>
<p>Now she turned her head so to lock her eyes with Alex’s.</p>
<p>“And I don’t like being pushed into making a decision by either of you.”</p>
<p>No one could tell her what to do or when to do it, not anymore.</p>
<p>“Making a decision?” Alex didn’t hide the hurt.</p>
<p>“An exchange of information. You know what I mean.” She corrected herself quickly.</p>
<p>“No, I don’t know what you mean.” He was hurt, she could tell. And she was sorry for how she put her thought into words, but she didn’t want to make a step back.</p>
<p>They looked each other for a few seconds. The weight of Norma’s sentence was making the air heavy and the distance between her and Alex even bigger than the one she had felt in the last 24 hours.</p>
<p>Alex was the one to interrupt the silence, his sheriff bulldog attitude was on.</p>
<p>“I-If it’s a choice, then you got to figure out your choice.”</p>
<p>Norma was quiet. She didn’t reply. A small voice in her head was telling her, begging her to tell something, to reassure him that she loved him, but another voice was telling her that she couldn’t respond because the whole time she had thought of the possibility to choose between them. It has always been her worst fear and she had thought about it a lot since Norman had told her he wanted to come home. Norma knew that her marriage and her being mother of Norman would collide eventually, and she had been waiting for that moment, hoping to delay it as long as possible.</p>
<p>But, now, here she was. And Norma couldn’t reassure Alex because she hadn’t been able to reassure herself about it in weeks.</p>
<p>She was hurt, and he was hurt, and she knew it was all her fault.</p>
<p>She could never choose between the two without deprive herself of a part of her soul. Norma was a fighter by nature, but now, she couldn’t find the strength nor the motivation to fight. If she fought for her son, she would lose the most important relationship of her life, the only thing that had helped her get out of the bed in the last weeks. If she fought for Alex, she would lose a part of herself, the boy she was supposed to protect, the person who knew her better than anyone and that would still love her unconditionally.</p>
<p>She was going to lose either way. She was so fucked she couldn’t even articulate it.</p>
<p>Alex didn’t take well her silence, his pain and disappointment were palpable.</p>
<p>“I got to get back to work. Lock the door when you leave.”</p>
<p>He was already out of his house when Norma opened her mouth.</p>
<p>“I’m not giving you up.”</p>
<p>She didn’t want to say a lie, so this was the only thing that sounded true in her mind. She was not going to give him up, that was sure. She couldn’t live without him, Norma realized it just now.</p>
<p>Maybe her unconscious was telling her what her conscious mind couldn’t accept, maybe it was telling her that she had already chosen.</p>
<p>“Well, then you got to tell him.” Alex would not change his mind on this.</p>
<p>Norma stood motionless on Alex’s doorstep while he disappeared in his car and exited the walkway. Her stare was cold, and her posture was calm, a deep contrast to the storm she was feeling inside her.</p>
<p>Norma thought about her interaction with Alex the whole journey back to her house. At first, she was angry with Alex for pushing her into telling Norman the truth about their relationship, then her anger resettled, and she started to be pissed at her son. How dare he go and talk to Alex behind her back?! How dare he even interfere with her personal life?! She was the mother, she could interfere, but he was just the son, he needed to mind his own business.</p>
<p>Norma was so irritated by the behavior of the men around her, like she had always been. But, after a while she started to be angry at herself. She was raging because she could have handled the whole situation a lot better. She could have cleared the situation since the beginning instead of hiding and deny things. And then again, she became angry at herself for being angry at herself. Why every time the men around her pissed her she pushed herself into thinking that she could have done things differently? Why couldn’t the others do things differently for a change? Why had she always to put herself down? Norma did the best she could, and, under the circumstances, she did fucking great.</p>
<p>She was in a living hell since—well—since always, since she could remember, and she was still standing and fighting against everything. She was still breathing. She was a miracle, a survivor, and she was tired of people influencing the way she thought of herself and the way she acted. She was done to try to please everyone always. From now on she was going to please herself and no one else. Screw everyone. She was too tired at this point.</p>
<p>Norma sighed heavily. She was so tired of feeling this way.</p>
<p>The blue sign of the motel came into her field of vision. There it was, with all its hopes and arrogance, mocking her every day, reminding her what kind of failure she was.</p>
<p>Norma was home and waiting her there were Emma and Dylan.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. It starts to feel like Christmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Norma had been ready to have a serious talk with Norman, but the moment she opened the door of her house she had been welcomed by Dylan and Emma. In the mess that was her life, Norma had completely forgot the whole picking the tree thing she had proposed to Dylan that afternoon.</p>
<p>Crap.</p>
<p>“Hi Norma” greeted her Dylan, while Emma gave Norma a quick hug.</p>
<p>“We’re all set, we can drive there with my car.”</p>
<p>Norma shrugged. </p>
<p>“Sure, let’s go.” And then walked out </p>
<p>Norma didn’t even turn to see Norman when he sat near her in Dylan’s car. She merely said a word the whole journey. Norma’s anger was building up inside her and it was just a matter of time before she exploded, and she didn’t want to make a scene with Emma and Dylan. After all, she was the one who pushed for going out to find a damn Christmas tree. The thing that made her even more angry was the fact that she had imagined the whole thing differently. First of all, seated near her was supposed to be Alex and not Norman, and she had a whole image in her mind of her and her husband looking for the perfect tree for their house while kissing under the mistletoe and drinking hot chocolate.</p>
<p>It was supposed to be all very different and, instead, she was angry at everyone and at everything and, seating near her, there was Norman, who had asked her husband to divorce from her. All of this happening while the jingle bell at the radio was starting to give her a headache.</p>
<p>“Would you turn the music down a little, please?” Norma burst out.</p>
<p>Dylan turned the music down and Norman asked her if there was something wrong.</p>
<p>Norma couldn’t even bare to look at him, his arrogance and self-confidence were getting on her nerves.</p>
<p>“Nope.” She said simply, turning her head to look out of the window again.</p>
<p>The moment they arrived she stormed out of the car, needing some air and space.</p>
<p>“Well, let’s go find the tree.” Norma said, trying to put as much distance as possible from her and Norman. She was trying so hard not to snap at him, but she couldn’t contain herself for much longer. She needed to stay alone for a moment, to breathe and stabilize herself.</p>
<p>Norma walked for a while before stopping and looking around her. She was surrounded by majestic Christmas trees, it was really beautiful. Norma had always loved Christmas, she remembered the Christmas mornings with her sons, how they helped her decorating the tree and how they would drink hot chocolate together after. She had incredibly sweets memories about Christmas, that was also thanks to the fact that it was Sam’s favorite moment of the year to get drunk in some pub and disappear for days. Norma had always loved Christmas and now, that she had a house in which she felt safe and a husband that really loved her, she had to spend it being angry and nervous and sad. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.</p>
<p>Norma was walking through the Christmas trees under the multicolor reflections of the Christmas light above her, she was almost cooling off when, from the other side of the trees, a too well-known voice made her jump.</p>
<p>“Mother!”</p>
<p>Norma gasped. </p>
<p>“Jeez. Norman” God damn, he was everywhere.</p>
<p>“Don’t jump out from a bunch of trees and sneak up on people.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t jump out from a bunch of trees. You’re just on edge.”</p>
<p>He could bet she was on edge. She was trying hard not to jump at his throat right now. She needed her privacy, she needed her life back, why couldn’t he understand that?</p>
<p>Norma was so sick and tired of her life, why must things always be so complicated?</p>
<p>“What is going on?” Asked Norman.</p>
<p>At that point Norma couldn’t care less where she was and if it was not the right time, and she vomited all her anger.</p>
<p>“Okay, maybe this just isn’t the place to have this discussion, Mother.”</p>
<p>‘Yeah? You really think?’ thought Norma but said instead that she wanted to talk about it at the house, but Emma and Dylan were already there.</p>
<p>“I’m so upset with you.” Norma finally said. She wanted to get it all out, but she couldn’t, not yet.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to get into it. So, stop provoking me!” she shouted. She put all her irritation and anger into the shout and then moved forward, leaving her son behind her.</p>
<p>Norman, though, kept following her, getting even more on her nerves. Norma had told him to give her some space, but he couldn’t listen to her. He looked right like his father right now.</p>
<p>“Norman, stop it.”</p>
<p>He couldn’t and kept pushing her to the limit with his questions.</p>
<p>“Fine!” Norma shout, stopping abruptly and turning to face him.</p>
<p>Norma told him that she was angry because he had asked Alex to divorce her. Her heart was pumping, and the adrenaline was running through her veins. Norman started to tell her that she didn’t have to live like this, that she shouldn’t have to sell herself in order to get him insurance, that she should accept his help.</p>
<p>It was all very sweet, but he hadn’t understood anything, or maybe he didn’t want to accept it, but she was not selling herself, she was in love.</p>
<p>Here we go, the moment of the truth. Norma couldn’t allow her kid to think this about her a moment longer. He was so wrong about it all, but Norma realized it was also her fault. She was the one who told him that her marriage was fake and that she did that only to get insurance. She had made a mess and it was time to fix it.</p>
<p>“But that’s not what happened.” Norma knew she was on the verge of a ravine and that was going to fall so badly and so down that she would never come back.</p>
<p>“He’s a good man.” Norma opened her mouth, but the words were resisting from coming out.</p>
<p>“And I like him.”</p>
<p>Here, she had said it. Finally, Norman knew the truth about her relationship with Alex.</p>
<p>“You like him?”</p>
<p>Norma looked at him for a few seconds before answering.</p>
<p>“Yes.” She answered honestly, knowing that the new was gonna break her son in two.</p>
<p>Norman looked at her a millisecond, enough to see that she was saying the truth, before bending in front of himself and throw up.</p>
<p>Norma was shocked by his reaction, she was expecting shouts and questions, not this.</p>
<p>In that moment Norma knew she had failed as a mother.</p>
<p>She knew that her son was physically ill because of her choices and her heart broke. She wanted so much better for Norman and she had completely failed. She had made Norman go through so many bad things and she had pushed him to the limit many times, and this was the icing on the cake.</p>
<p>“Norman” she said with a breath.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry honey.” She went near him and started to caress his back, hoping that the vomit would magically stop.</p>
<p>Norma was on the verge of tears, she wanted so bad to stop the time and to break down right there and now, in the middle of the trees. She wanted to cry all her tears and pour out her anger and sadness. She wanted that everyone could magically stopped, as if someone had played pause on the remote, so she could cry, despair, kick the trees around her, shout out loud until her throat hurt and she had no more voice.</p>
<p>But, instead, she had to be strong and keep it together because her son needed her to be strong now.</p>
<p>Norma babbled something about the medicines and how Norman still needed to acclimate to them before deciding to find Dylan and go home.</p>
<p>They picked a random tree as fast as they could and then drove home. This time it was Norman that avoided to look to Norma and kept his head fixed on the window.</p>
<p>Norma was barely breathing. Her mind was going a hundred kilometers fast, she was wondering what was going to happen now, if Norman could accept Alex after the initial shock or if he would asker her to chose between the two. Or even worst, maybe Norman would start to black out again, he could harm Alex or even himself. Maybe the nightmare of the black outs, of hiding everything and of living perennially on edge, with the fear of losing him was coming back. Norma wasn’t sure that she could do it all again, all the anxiety and insomnia and pure terror she had felt in the last years were too much for her. The idea of going through it again was enough to let her enter in a very depressive mood.</p>
<p>She couldn’t do it all again alone. She simply couldn’t.</p>
<p>When they got home, Norman run away in his room, leaving Norma alone with Dylan and Emma. The three said quickly goodbyes and then Norma was alone again.</p>
<p>She was getting tired of finding herself always alone, so she picked her cell and dialed Alex’s number. She just needed to hear his voice and to feel less alone.</p>
<p>The cell went straight to voicemail.</p>
<p>Norma was starting to get really annoyed. She sighed and sent Alex a text message. She wrote that she needed to see him as soon as possible and if he could come to the motel.</p>
<p>As soon as she typed the word motel and idea struck her, the motel was surely warmer than the house, Norman and her could go there to sleep tonight, she was pretty sure he wouldn’t wanted to sleep in her bed that night too.</p>
<p>Norma fixed the text, writing if Alex could join her in room 1 and then went upstairs to propose the idea to Norman.</p>
<p>He barely looked at her, but her agreed. The tension between the two was palpable and Norma didn’t even know how to start talking about it.</p>
<p>So, the two of them headed towards the warm rooms of the motel in silence.</p>
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